The Mystery of Love & Marriage

Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility

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Moreover, to deduce the essential exclusiveness of conjugal love from the general egoistic possessiveness of man would be quite wrong. The owner of a harem who regards his women as mere chattels in his possession does not want anyone else to interfere. This, of course, is pure egoistic possessiveness.

But this harem-owner has not the slightest conception of real conjugal love. Exclusiveness in conjugal love results from the consciousness that this unique love can only exist between two beings, at least while this love lasts, and that this wonderful union would be destroyed and torn apart if one partner were to love a second person with conjugal love. And this exclusiveness concerns the person himself as much as the beloved partner, since one's own infidelity causes one as much horror as the infidelity of the other and is felt just as much as the breach and destruction of the union.

But conjugal love is not yet marriage, although it contains an anticipation of the meaning of marriage. Marriage is a reality in the objective order which is constituted only by a solemn act and presupposes a formal act of the will: The marriage is fully actualized when both partners, in consequence of this act, consummate this surrender in bodily union. Marriage is a communion of objective validity which includes both partners. Once established, it persists as such, regardless of the sentiments or attitudes of the partners, although it imposes specific obligations on them.

The existence of conjugal love between the partners makes marriage desirable and gives it meaning, but does not in itself establish this objective bond. For among various human experiences such as love, respect, or joy there is one kind which is not merely an inner act in respect to another person, but which also creates an objective reality independent of the person.

Thus, for example, a promise creates an obligation toward another person and the right of demanding fulfillment by that other person. The command of a superior creates an obligation of fulfillment by the subordinate. Absolution by a priest in the name of God creates the actual annulment of our guiltiness. Certain decisions of the legitimate state authority, can become law, and so forth. In the same way, the act of voluntary surrender of one's own person to another with the intention of forming a permanent and intimate union of love, creates an objective bond which, once established, is withdrawn from the sphere of arbitrary decision of the persons concerned.

We shall see later how this solemn act of marriage attains further an infinitely higher importance and power if it is consciously fulfilled in Christ and if it contains in a way a consecration of both partners to Christ. The expression marriage-contract is not a happy choice of words since marriage differs essentially from any other real contract. Apart from the character of reciprocity, it resembles a contract no more than any promise or any other act of this sort.

The union desired in conjugal love becomes by this act objectively real in its fullest sense , and no other earthly communion of love can become objective to such a degree. Both partners now belong wholly to each other. An objective bond unites them: An extraordinary decision is inherent in the act of marriage. Unlike conjugal love, it does not spring into being of itself, but it is a free act like an act of will in the stricter sense of the term.

It marks, as with religious vows, the beginning of a new status. An enormous change suddenly takes place. A sublime creation burgeons which, once it flowers, makes the highest demands on the two partners. This decisive character of marriage, on the strength of which a change takes place which removes it beyond the range of our influence, also has a qualitative analogy in bodily surrender. The physical union of husband and wife constitutes such an ultimate intimacy between them that of its essence it is a surrender valid once and for all.

It is not merely a passing intimacy which establishes no objective relationship. It implies a definite decision of the highest import. It is truly a surrender of one's self to the other and implies essentially the same exclusiveness which we found in conjugal love. From its very meaning and nature, this act can be consummated with but one person, for, according to the words of our Lord, "They shall be two in one flesh.

All these elements are contained in this deepest union. But this union only becomes a full reality when it follows as a consequence of the solemn conclusion of marriage. How dreadful therefore, any abuse of this ultimate and most intimate surrender! What a degradation and desecration of the union destined as the ultimate realization of the communion of love which becomes objective through marriage!

As marriage is, in its nature, principally a communion of love, so the meaning of physical consummation is not restricted to its function as a means of procreation. Certainly, there is no greater mystery in the natural order of things than the fact that this closest of all unions procreates a human being with an immortal soul although the soul, in each case, is a direct creation of God , and that this act brings a new being into existence destined to love God and to adore Him, a new being made after His image.

But this primary end is not the only meaning of the physical act. Subjectively speaking, it is not even its primary meaning. Its meaning is primarily the realization of the sublime communion of love in which, according to the words of our Savior, "They shall be two in one flesh. In contrast to the Protestant and Puritan conception, which even subjectively considers procreation as the sole meaning of the physical union, an old Catholic marriage prayer speaks of marriage as "the mystery of love.

Lord our God, Thou hast created man pure and immaculate and still Thou wishest that in procreation of the generations one be made from the other by the mystery of love. That a new human being should issue from it is certainly part of the solemn grandeur of this supremely intimate union. The wonderful, divinely-appointed relationship between the mysterious procreation of a new human being and this most intimate communion of love which by itself alone already has its full importance , illuminates the grandeur and solemnity of this union.

Thus it is that in order to preserve the reverent attitude of the spouses toward the mystery in this union, this general connection between procreation and the communion of love must always be maintained even subjectively, at least as a general possibility of this act.

It is difficult to imagine a greater lack of reverence toward God than interfering with this mystery with desecrating hands in order to frustrate this mystery. How terrible to think of man wanting to destroy this unity which God has established so mysteriously, deeming those united in the highest earthly union of love worthy to take part in His creative power.

To go against God's purposes through a desecrating interference, perhaps even thus to throw back into the void a being that God had intended to exist - what sacrilegious presumption! Yet if for any reason, beyond the sphere of human influence, it becomes evident that procreation is out of the question, the physical union between man and woman still retains its subjective significance and its intrinsic beauty. Is conjugal love in itself not sublime enough to sanctify and justify this union?

Is not the reason for the creation of woman stated in Genesis: Can we justly assert that it would have been better if such a marriage had not been brought to pass? Can it not have its full, divinely-appointed meaning simply as the highest communion of love, and glorify God by this very fact? When both partners, even though childless, belong to each other in the most perfect conjugal love, in unchangeable loyalty to one another, in imitation of the union of the soul with God, is not the ideal of marriage fulfilled to an even higher degree than in the case of a marriage with perhaps many children, where the partners are unfaithful to each other and desecrate the sacred tie by a lack of love and loyalty?

Need marriage become celibate because of the knowledge that there cannot be any children? Is this not a clear indication that marriage is a symbol of the union of the soul with God, that it possesses, as such, a sublime importance and that it exists in the first place for its own sake and not exclusively for the sake of any result that it produces? On closer examination, we see that every intrinsically fulfilled marriage is fruitful even in the deepest sense of the word.

The fact that the closest communion of love between two people produces a new human being mysteriously reflects the fruitfulness of love as such. For we must not forget that every true love possesses an intrinsic spiritual fruitfulness and that conjugal harbors this spiritual fruitfulness of love quite independently of procreation. It expresses itself in the influence which the spouses unconsciously exert on one another, in the spiritual elevation of one another which their mutual understanding makes possible.

Every marriage in which conjugal love is thus realized bears spiritual fruit, becomes fruitful - even though there are no children. He alone can understand the horror of the sin of promiscuity who has grasped the grandeur and sublimity of bodily union as the full realization of conjugal love, and who realizes that besides the primary end of procreation, the primary meaning of bodily union lies in the fulfillment of conjugal love.

That which is intended to bring two persons together in the highest, most intimate union, to unite them "in one flesh," - the final actual surrender of one's self - is used by the promiscuous as a source of sensual lust and is thereby ignominiously desecrated. And this desecration remains the same whether or not children result from this sinful union.

The words of St. Paul clearly show that the sin of impurity lies essentially in the abuse of the union which God reserved for the closest Communion between two people: For they shall be , saith he, two in one flesh. The justification of this physical union, however, lies not in conjugal love as such, but only in the solemn act of the conclusion of marriage which we mentioned above. Since physical union involves the express and solemn surrender by which one enters into so ultimate and intimate a union with the other person, it presupposes not only the mere existence of conjugal love but also the solemn conclusion of marriage in which one gives oneself freely and irrevocably to the beloved for the entire lifetime.

As the communion of love represents the deepest meaning of marriage, love is not only a previous condition of marriage but also a sentiment that both partners must make an object of their will, something that has to be protected and cherished. Love is also a task and a duty for both partners. If marriage is the unique projection of this special conjugal love, then marriage, once established, demands love from both partners - not only neighborly love but also conjugal love.

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Each Spouse has a right to the love of the other. To maintain conjugal love in its entire grandeur and purity, in its glow, its depth, and its vital plenitude, is a task that arises for both partners with the conclusion of their marriage.

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Because our laziness, our dullness, and our constant falling back into the periphery stultifies our vision, it is difficult always to keep before us in all its same clarity and splendor the image of the other person so wonderfully revealed by love. We should and must fight against this dullness, for it constitutes a sin against the temple which we erected in our marriage. In a certain sense we are already unfaithful to the other when we cease to see him from within, when we understand no longer the deeper character of his being, but regard him as we would regard other people - from the outside.

For those who consider the specific kind of love which we call conjugal as nothing else than an infatuation, it may be natural for this love to fade in the course of time and leave only friendship. We, however, for whom conjugal love includes a deeper understanding of the other, and for whom it is the divinely-appointed relation in marriage, must fight against a weakening of this love, against this falling asleep , just as we must always strive - in an incomparably higher sphere - to keep our love for Jesus unfailingly awake. For someone in a religious order, the fulfillment of the rules of the order represents a continuous effort; so, too, marriage demands abstention from all side issues and deviations which are liable to distract attention from the beloved person and destroy the inner concentration which is implied in love.

But this task differs according to the individual character of the marriage. In the supernatural sphere, God gives mankind grace in different measures and demands more from them according to the measure of grace received. The Gospel gives us the parable of the talents. So, too, marriage demands more from the husband and wife in the measure that their marriage as such approaches the ideal, and the more they harmonize as characters.

The greater the love which they felt originally for one another and the greater the love which potentially lies in the nature of the combination of the two persons, the more is mutual love demanded of both. If the combination of two people contains the possibility of this ultimate conjugal love, it becomes the duty of both partners, once the marriage is concluded, to strive toward the realization of this ideal. They must endeavor to develop this highest love. They must avoid everything that could obscure or mar this love such as the absorption of the husband in his business affairs or of the wife in household duties.

But above all, they must beware of an indolent indifference and of simply floating down the stream of everyday habits. Every hour they must recall anew the unspeakably precious gift which God has given in the form of the soul of the beloved. Never must they lose their sense of the wonderful mystery that the other person whom they love loves them, too, that the other lives for them, and that they own something far above all other earthly possessions. If, however, the combination of the two characters of man and wife does not offer the possibility for this conjugal love, if such ultimate inner unity cannot be achieved, the task for both partners becomes a different one.

When such is the case, this quality of glowing conjugal love is not demanded of them - for the consorts cannot give this love to one another if it is not performed by God in the combination of their two characters.

Their task here is to attain the highest communion within the limits of the possibilities of their individual case. They, too, must live for one another and avoid everything that could alienate or in any way separate them from one another. They must try to see each other in the highest light. This holds all the more true for an unhappy marriage.

If love is completely lacking on one side, or if one partner suffers from the other in every way - let us remember the marriage of St. Monica - the obligation to live up to the objective tie which the conclusion of marriage has created persists, in spite of the fact that the combination of the two partners does not make possible the realization of ideal conjugal love.

The one Spouse can only love the other in a particular form of neighborly love - love him because it was with him that the tie of marriage was knit. The task in this special case consists primarily in sacrifice and renunciation and in care for the salvation of the other. In a word, in each marriage God gives the partners a particular task apart from the obligation every marriage contains: It is, therefore, necessary to understand the particular meaning of each individual marriage, the special call which God makes upon the spouses: The unique, divinely appointed meaning of an individual marriage has to be discovered in each marriage, inasmuch as the task varies according to what appears as the highest attainable possibility in a given combination of two characters.

But this must not mislead us into believing that the objective form of marriage as such does not aim at a subjective fulfillment of a complete union of love, and that all other marriages measured against the divine design of marriage represent failures. Marriage as such does not exist as a trial for the consorts, or to serve as a school of renunciation, but to unite two human beings in boundless love into a complete union and thus, in the most sublime way, to reflect the union between Jesus and the soul.

Sophia Institute Press, , hardcover, 88 pgs.

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This book is available from: Love is the core of marriage Why does Holy Scripture choose this particular relationship as an image? The characteristics of conjugal love A widespread error, even in Catholic circles, holds that conjugal love is distinguished from love of friends or love of parents and children merely by its connection with the sensual sphere. Conjugal love involves mutual self-giving It is true that in every kind of love one gives oneself in one way or another, but here the giving is literally complete and ultimate.

Conjugal love involves a decision This giving of self, the specific characteristic of conjugal love as distinguished from friendship or any other form of love , is also revealed in the decisive character of the words, "I love you.

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Conjugal love is possible only between a man and a woman The special character of conjugal love is, furthermore, marked by the fact that this love can only come into being, between men and women and not between persons of the same sex, as is the case with friendship, parental love, or filial love. Being in love is not infatuation Being in love, which many people consider contemptuously as infatuation, constitutes in itself only the climax of this full spiritual grasping of the beloved person, in which the charm of the other being is completely unfolded, the full bliss of the I-thou community realized.

Conjugal love is not an illusion Let no one object that it is an illusion, an intoxication which passes quickly and which is based only on the external qualities of the other. Love is not sensual desire Above all, real being in love , even in its superficial form, must never be confused with sensual desire. Being in love is an element of conjugal love We shall return later on to this element of duration and exclusiveness in conjugal love.

Men, Women & the Mystery of love

Conjugal exclusiveness differs from possessiveness Moreover, to deduce the essential exclusiveness of conjugal love from the general egoistic possessiveness of man would be quite wrong. Marriage is more than conjugal love But conjugal love is not yet marriage, although it contains an anticipation of the meaning of marriage. Marriage creates an objective bond In the same way, the act of voluntary surrender of one's own person to another with the intention of forming a permanent and intimate union of love, creates an objective bond which, once established, is withdrawn from the sphere of arbitrary decision of the persons concerned.

Marriage comes about from a free decision An extraordinary decision is inherent in the act of marriage. Marriage is exclusive and irrevocable This decisive character of marriage, on the strength of which a change takes place which removes it beyond the range of our influence, also has a qualitative analogy in bodily surrender.

Love is the meaning of sexual union As marriage is, in its nature, principally a communion of love, so the meaning of physical consummation is not restricted to its function as a means of procreation. Childless marriages may nonetheless fulfill the ideal of marriage Yet if for any reason, beyond the sphere of human influence, it becomes evident that procreation is out of the question, the physical union between man and woman still retains its subjective significance and its intrinsic beauty.

Every marriage filled with love is fruitful On closer examination, we see that every intrinsically fulfilled marriage is fruitful even in the deepest sense of the word. Only marriage justifies physical union The justification of this physical union, however, lies not in conjugal love as such, but only in the solemn act of the conclusion of marriage which we mentioned above.

Love must be nourished in every marriage As the communion of love represents the deepest meaning of marriage, love is not only a previous condition of marriage but also a sentiment that both partners must make an object of their will, something that has to be protected and cherished. Many of his observations ring true in common sense ways — for example, men experience sensuality in a different and stronger way than women do, and women tend to expect a deeper tenderness in marriage than their husbands do , If you believe what Love and Responsibility posits about male-female relationships, you will be compelled to respond to it by living in a way that reflects this truth.

Sri begins his introduction with a quote from a friend about Love and Responsibility that sums it up: Overall, this book is an ideal stepping stone to one day reading the full text of Love and Responsibility , or as a companion book to the original text. The quotes Sri includes from the original book left me wanting to know more. Book reviews do not imply and are not to be used as official endorsement by the USCCB of the work or those associated with the work. Book reviews are solely intended as a resource regarding publications that might be of interest to For Your Marriage visitors.

Every marriage has challenges. The good news is there are many dedicated staff willing to work with you and your spouse Advent is a time of waiting, and waiting is hard! Sometimes we wait for something that may never come restored health, financial security, a child, reconciliation.

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Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: View Previous Marriage Tips. Planning a Catholic Wedding. Obstacles to a Healthy Marriage Lifelong marriage is still the ideal. What gets in the way of thi Signs of a Successful Relationship Want a good relationship? Look for these signs. Is online dating a waste of time if I want to get married? Step back and consid Reasons not to Marry Marriage is a big decision, be sure you're doing it for the right A Catholic marriage is more than a contract, it is a sacrament.

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