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And once the Love and Respect couple grasps a basic principle — that the apparent issue is not the real issue at all — they are on their way to cracking the communication code.
The key to keeping conflict from escalating is to choose to practice love or respect. When a husband speaks with a loving tone during a conflict, which may range from a mild argument to a more serious disagreement, his wife will feel one with him. And when a wife softens her facial expressions and comes across more respectfully during those times of friction, the husband will feel one with her.
Will the disagreement be solved? Perhaps, but more than likely it will still be there. Yet husband and wife can feel oneness because nobody has to win and nobody has to lose. Oneness is, and it is gained when the wife feels loved by her husband and the husband feels respected by his wife.
They bond with each other; two, indeed, become one. Excerpted with permission from Love and Respect by Dr.
Emerson Eggerichs, copyright Thomas Nelson. Have you been focused on winning during conflict?
Has having just the right words been the goal? But do so without denigrating your partner's love language or making him or her feel bad. So instead of saying, "You don't love me the way I want to be loved!
I like to show my love for you by doing little things for you, like making you your favorite dinner. Fill in the blank with how you show love -- again your partner is not a mind reader. Walk them over the bridge here.
What I really would like more of is to just spend time with you -- not doing anything in particular, just enjoying each other's company. Again fill in the blank with what you need. Do you think we might be able to spend an evening together this coming week because I that would really make me feel loved? When you find yourself wishing your partner had done or said something different, redo this exercise.
He or she was likely operating out of their love language and forgot that you don't speak the same language they do all the time. Truth be told, if that's the case, you might want to examine your own behaviors as well. Have you been communicating with them in their love language lately or have you fallen back into your own?
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For those of you unfamiliar with Gary Chapman's work, there are five love languages: Words of affirmation -- saying I love you, complimenting or praising your partner Quality time - time spent together, even if you're doing nothing Receiving gifts -- tokens of appreciation and affection Acts of service -- doing something for the other person Physical touch -- hand holding, kissing, sex. My top three love languages are quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service. This is how I communicate my love.
I do things with or for you and occasionally buy you things. My current partner's top two love languages are words of affirmation and touch. He tells me verbally that he loves me and that means everything to him; touch serves as a secondary reinforcer.