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On Tough Choices: How to Make Peace with Your Decision

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Tech Innovate Gadget Mission: Chat with us in Facebook Messenger. Find out what's happening in the world as it unfolds. Making decisions doesn't need to be stressful. Story highlights Most people fall between two decision-making extremes: Out there in the vast, discombobulating world, I've noticed, there tend to be two types of decision makers. I bet you can tell me which of the two you are in about 3.

I make decisions so fast you can blink and you won't see my choice. Which is exactly what I want to happen. I want the choosing to go down immediately -- bang!

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In fact, the wrong choice is preferable to doing nothing at all and simply considering all the options, because if I've ended up executing that wrong choice, at least I get to feel regret instead of panic. On the opposite end of the spectrum is my husband -- let's call him Lawrence, which is his name. He is a Rip Van Winkle. He will sit under a tree with a decision for years. He doesn't want to make the wrong one, no sir.

On Tough Choices: How to Make Peace with Your Decision

He will just leave the store without any milk if he is not sure if we need the blue or red carton. He will take five years oops, make that six to build a deck because he could not or would not choose between a wooden or metal support structure. When he does decide, he is usually happy with his decision. But unfortunately, time may have lurched on. The kids have already eaten peanut butter off spoons for breakfast because there was no milk for cereal.

The permit for building the deck expired after 90 days.

In the great gamut of decision making, most people fall somewhere between these two extremes. Regardless of your exact type, however, knowing how to game yourself is key -- as I found out last month when confronted by three concurrent situations that not only required me to make up my mind but also led me to the one sentence I need to repeat to myself before making any decision for the rest of my life. Here is what happened: A few months ago, I was nominated by my family to find a money person.

Our old money person was our accountant. He is cheap and loving, and he knows our whole fiscal history, as well as the names of our kids. Unfortunately, he is also slow and a little lazy. He doesn't follow through.

This is not fun when you're middle class and trying to save money for two future college tuitions and a retirement in the town where you live -- not the cheaper, very far away town where you know nobody and don't speak the language. A coworker suggested I talk to her money guy. This new guy was quick, efficient, professional.

He did not sit at his desk with a jar of mini-Snickers, methodically popping them into his mouth as I tried to remember how much I spent on a laser printer last year.

Hard Choices for Loving People

My instinct was to say: New guy does our money! As I sat in the waiting room, I thought of a game note to reader: We will never, ever tell Lawrence that we play this game. I asked myself the question "What would Lawrence do?

1) Are you doing what you will be proud of having done when you look back?

Instead of dumping the old guy and signing up the new one, Lawrence would put all kind of annoying obstacles in the new guy's path. Like calling him three days later and asking for his references. Like going in and asking him a lot of questions about tax codes. Like grilling his receptionist, quietly, about her boss "Does he pay his own bills? Did he treat you with respect?

Spending too much time agonizing over choices that later prove ill-advised? This strategy can help.

Does he bring his own self-sufficient, thrifty lunch? I did these things -- simply to slow down the process and not be myself. Which is when I realized I was ready to decide on the new guy. Yes, my way of slowing down was to gather information. But you could do anything to impede the process: You'd get the same benefit—time to discover and understand issues that you wouldn't have otherwise considered.

If what keeps you going so fast is the fear of doing nothing, then slowing down is perfect. You're still doing something, just something called "not deciding You will just be going a bit slower. In other words, less fast—and that much closer to just right. I was craving the next part of my life, whether with him, or without. In my over-analysis of it all, I was becoming lonely, desperate, and depressed.

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I was barely surviving the relationship, let alone thriving, which is what I really wanted. Then I felt the crazy creeping in. Yes, more than it already had. At some point in the fog, it became clear to me that I was completely attached to a single outcome—that he would change his life to fit mine. For years I felt like I had fit into his life we started dating just a few weeks before I got laid off of my dream job. But what needed to happen was to create one life together. And in order to do that, I needed to get clear on what I wanted for my life, and for our future, because until I did, he would never be good enough.

I later learned that acceptance is the first step to thriving with someone. What worked was that he had chosen an adventurous and inspiring career, and I accepted that. What did work was to live in the country only an hour and a half away from New York. With this new self-awareness and clarity, I was able to pack up my car to go visit him in New Hampshire, and be okay with the fact it could be the last visit.

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I was ready to let him know my terms, where I was willing to be flexible, and where I knew I had to take care of myself. I was open to the fact that it may not work out. And in that openness, there was room to choose. So besides packing up my things for the four-day visit, I packed up his things, from shirts to boxers to a pair of shoes to his rollerblades. Yes, folks, the boy can rollerblade. He grew up on a river in Maine and ice skated all his life. When I arrived in New Hampshire, we dove into a deep conversation about our future.

For the first time, I was not telling him what I thought he wanted to hear. I was clear, I was powerful, and all the while, I was not making him wrong or blaming him for anything. My communication came across clearly. After creating that, I cried. Whatever kind of situation you may be in when you are making a decision, you may find these ideas helpful in creating clarity and peace around your choice:. Be open to the fact that you are choosing between two things, and one of them may not work for you.

Acknowledging the other side will allow to you choose more powerfully. It is like the saying that good cannot exist without evil. Your ultimate choice cannot exist without its counter-choice. With a clear head, you can be completely unattached to the outcome. With this freedom, you create the space for a powerful decision to be made. Go deeper, and look at whether you see yourself thriving or merely surviving in a situation. Just knowing, on a deep, subconscious level, that you will be okay will extract some of the drama of the situation and create peace.

Communicate exactly what you want, the possible outcomes, your preference, and let them join the conversation.