On Your Mind (Erotic Excitement Collection Book 2)

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Although I created the SES to help answer questions that matter to me, from the beginning I wanted the survey to give something back to the respondents.

To get the most out of this book, I invite you to contemplate the same questions that I asked The Group. Consider responding to the entire SES before reading any further to be sure your answers are completely spontaneous. Once you complete the SES you might wish to send me your answers without your name, of course so that I can expand my research to a larger population.

That decision, clearly, is completely up to you and can be made at any time. If the SES seems a bit daunting just now, an alternative is to take it one step at a time. Start with two key questions about your most memorable real-life encounters: Think back over ah your sexual encounters with other people. Allow your mind to focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life. Describe each of them in as much detail as you wish. What are your ideas about what made each of these encounters so exciting?

Keep in mind that peak encounters are not necessarily dramatic or sensational. Sometimes the best ones are remarkably simple. Nor is it necessary for peak encounters to include intercourse—or any particular sexual act. Feel free to recollect as many as you wish. Starting a journal also allows you to reread your comments as your self- discovery deepens; perhaps later you will see them in a new light.

Please keep in mind that any writing you do in the SES or your journal must be for your eyes only. Your writing will touch on a host of possible topics you might want to discuss with someone when the time is right. Such intimate exchanges can be extremely useful and fulfilling. But by keeping the writing itself private, you will avoid subtle inhibitions that can cause you to hold back, perhaps without even realizing it.

Sexual fantasies take an infinite variety of forms, and each individual has his or her unique patterns and preferences. Fantasies spring from the depths of your erotic mind and are invaluable sources of information, which is why I included questions about them in the SES. Others fantasize primarily about exciting events that actually occurred in the past, perhaps with a few embellishments.

Another common form of fantasy is imagining sexual possibilities you hope might happen one day—as when you daydream about a sexy stranger whom you pass each day on the way to work. If you grant yourself the freedom to do so, you can enjoy, within the sanctuary of your mind, fantasy scenarios that you would never want to experience in reality. At the most basic level, many people are confused about what, exactly, a fantasy is, so I included this statement in the SES: An erotic fantasy is an image, thought, or feeling within your mind that is sexually interesting to you.

Some people think of fantasy as a sexual daydream. Maybe it turns you on just a little bit—so little that you hardly notice. Or maybe it turns you on a great deal. Sexual fantasies may or may not make your body become aroused. A fantasy can be triggered by something you actually see or hear for example, an attractive person or an erotic picture or story or it can just pop into your mind out of the blue. People have many different kinds of sexual fantasies, and some people say they have none at all.

A fantasy may be a simple or elaborate story—perhaps based on a past experience, a hoped-for encounter, or a totally imaginary scene. I ask that you pay close attention to your fantasies and how they help to turn you on—even if you think your fantasies are boring, silly, or uninteresting. Remember that a fantasy does not have to be a big production in order to be important.

Based on everything you know about your sexuality, describe the fantasy that would be the very most likely to arouse you. What are your ideas about what makes this fantasy so exciting? Although the SES asks you to focus on one favorite fantasy, feel free to recall as many as you like. You may have a wide variety of fantasies. If so, jot them down. The question about the climax of your fantasy is intended to help you identify the specific details that intensify your excitement.

As you read on, try to keep an open mind. You may not be accustomed to noticing the sexy images that flash through your mind. Like many people, you may not have detailed fantasies, just fragments of erotic thoughts that easily go unnoticed. Be patient and self- accepting. In fact, one of your motivations for reading this book may be to understand or to resolve your own sexual concerns or those of someone you love.

I bring this up now because you need to be aware that in the five chapters of Part I our goal is to unravel some of the mysteries of the erotic mind. This is a different approach from the one most books about sex follow. I can assure you that your patience will pay off. Think of them using two seemingly mismatched metaphors. Peak turn-ons are precious jewels. To fully appreciate their glittering facets, it is necessary to gaze at them from different angles.

Yet peak experiences are also onionlike. As each layer is peeled away you uncover additional information not visible on the surface. All reminiscences, sexual or otherwise, are shaped by the way your memory sorts and stores information. Which specific situational details contributed to your arousal? Record your observations in your journal. Next note the specific details that stand out in your favorite fantasies. By contrast, in fantasy you select and control all the exciting events. In the realm of the erotic imagination you are the creator as well as the director, with the power to make everything turn out exactly as you wish.

Firsts and surprises Idyllic situations or partners Extensions and restrictions of time Learning about factors that stand but for The Group may call your attention to similar circumstances that contribute to your own arousal. After all, few things in life are more personal than sexual excitation. Similarly, when your expectations and routines are shaken by a surprise, you also tend to take notice.

Even when the encounter is desired and basically positive, her enthusiasm may be tempered by a sense of loss. Despite these differences in how men and women feel about sexual initiation, among The Group neither gender is inclined to report its first sexual encounters as peaks, with the exception of a few people whose sexual initiation coincided with falling in love.

Other firsts, however—such as initial encounters with new partners, experiments with new sexual activities, or encounters in new settings—are mentioned regularly. Women in The Group often recall the first time that sex was truly satisfying for them or the first time they experienced an orgasm with a partner. Darlene, a thirty-nine-year- old respiratory therapist, tells what happened to her only a few years ago: I had fallen in love with my best friend. All the while I was pessimistic. I was so overcome with happiness when he said he was falling for me too. Soon we were making love. Usually after fifteen or twenty minutes of some guy pumping up and down, I would fake an orgasm just to get it over with.

But after only a few strokes I was coming! I had three orgasms that night. He just naturally did things that drove me crazy. Megan, a young college student, surprises herself—and her grateful partner—when she opens the door, nervously at first, to a new source of pleasure: My boyfriend had often asked me if I would give him a blow job.

We were in my bedroom when I surrendered to my curiosity. He was very loving and patient as he guided me. He showed me exactly where it felt best, almost like an anatomy class. He let me experiment on him with my lips and tongue. His moans told me I was on the right track. I felt adventurous and—it was weird—kind of in control. But notice the necessary conditions: Another type of surprise occurs when familiar people behave in unfamiliar ways. Manuel tells of an unexpected conclusion to what appeared to be a colorless day: I was hanging out with my girlfriend.

Nothing much was happening—a little shopping, visiting a couple of friends. We were bored as shit to put it bluntly. Finally we gave up and went back to her place. Another Saturday night watching TV. I needed a hot shower to give me a lift. Just as I was soaping up I heard the bathroom door squeak. Suddenly her hand came through the shower curtain, she grabbed the soap out of my hand and jumped in with me. Her aggressiveness blew me away—but I liked it. She got on her knees and soaped up my dick.

It was as if she had studied how I masturbate even though she never saw me do it and added her own special touches. Was this my Angela? She brought me to a peak of ecstasy like never before. My orgasm was an explosion. We continued our adventures in bed for a couple more hours. Boredom was a thing of the past. For Manuel, the foreground his intense excitement stands out in bold relief against a background of boredom and low expectations. In fact, The Group only brings up the topic of expectations in their tales of peak sex when those expectations are being joyously shattered by a welcome surprise.

In the coming chapters we will often be reminded that peak encounters share many features with memorable fantasies. What shall we conclude from this? Favorite fantasies, on the other hand, cover familiar territory. Through repeated experimentation we refine them so that they express, in the shorthand of imagery, the essential elements needed for arousal. Not surprisingly, many of these encounters take place on vacation. Such encounters can also unfold much closer to home, as in the case of Trevor, a gay man in his late thirties: His name was Eric and he was extremely attractive to me, with a firm, slightly developed body.

He was the absolute best hugger. My body came alive when he wrapped me up in his arms. I especially enjoyed kissing him, his lips so soft as he kissed me in return. I remember gazing deep into his eyes while he fucked me as I sat on top of him. Our motions were in perfect harmony. It was easy handling him inside me. I was totally amazed by it ah and kept staring at him and his beautiful body, wondering if it was ah a dream.

His movements and thrusts when he came gave me an orgasm without any stimulation of my cock. I never saw Eric again. I often wonder what made that evening so unique. It was truly magical. In addition to its idyllic features, this story also has a poignant quality. A similar hint of wistful longing can often be perceived in tales of idyllic encounters. They have a dreamlike, otherworldly quality that, by definition, is quite rare. I am lying in the sun, soaking up the warmth, with no clothes on and none with me.

His body is in great shape. He is naked too. He swims over to my rock and climbs up. Slowly, passionately, he kisses me and then licks every part of my body, one by one. He lies down beside me and soon we make joyous love. We are free, incredibly sensuous and tender. Afterward I quietly swim off as he sleeps.

I glance back for one last look at his moist body glistening in the sun. Like Arlene, Luke enthusiastically dwells on the exquisite beauty of his ideal fantasy lover. The ambiance, though, is notably different: I eagerly invite her in. Her waist is narrow, her hips wide and shapely. I watch her ass sway as she walks to my sofa. Long, auburn hair swoops down, partially covering the milky skin of her cleavage. I pull her closer still as she grabs my dick. I feel a shiver go through her body. I invite her to the bedroom and lift the gown over her head, revealing an even more incredible body than I expected.

She rips off my shorts and we fall into bed, fucking with uncontrollable abandon. She loves it when I plunge into her juicy pussy. Her reaction turns me on so much that I thrust faster and faster, coming, coming until I collapse on top of her, spent. After I calm down, I watch her slip into her gown, shake out her hair, and walk toward the door. Luke and Arlene both enjoy the surprise of a perfect stranger. But whereas her fantasy is steeped in romance, his is animated by unfettered lust. She surrounds herself with mountains, a lake, and a sun-drenched rock for a bed.

His perfect lover simply arrives at the front door. Although such differences between men and women are by no means universal, they are unmistakable. The ticking of the clock as time marches forward is an apt metaphor for the mundane repetitions that occupy so much of our lives. No wonder we normally lose all consciousness of time during fulfilling sex, except perhaps for a fleeting wish that this moment would never end.

In some situations, however, an awareness of time actually contributes to the enjoyment. Only highly significant activities command such attention. Lydia sings the praises of extended lovemaking when describing a particularly memorable encounter with Josie, her lesbian lover: Josie and I live such busy lives that we usually squeeze in some routine sex on the weekends. One Sunday I fully expected a typically brief lovemaking session. I knew things were going to be different when Josie spent a good twenty minutes lovingly licking each of my breasts.

My excitement built so gradually that I went into an altered state of consciousness—as if each movement was acted out in slow motion. Josie seemed to go into a similar state when I went down on her. Normally I get bored after a while, but that day I savored her cunt as if it were my last meal. And speaking of meals, we fixed a delicious lunch of cheese and fruit and crawled back into bed to eat it sensuously. We both had many orgasms that day, but I know mine were different than usual. We forgot about everything, focusing all of our energies on each other. In other instances, time is a memorability factor for the opposite reason: A desire so intense that it demands expression, even when there is insufficient time for it, demonstrates its compelling urgency.

Norman recalls with enthusiasm one evening when he and his girlfriend were rushing to get ready for a concert: Tammy and I often disagree about who should initiate sex, when, how often, and how long it should last. But there have been several times when all that crap goes out the window. Knowing that nothing will come of it I find it easier to be passionate, like one night when Tammy was dressing for the symphony.

I rubbed her shoulders and she tried to push me away. All of a sudden she became like an animal. She grabbed me and kissed me deep and hard while I rubbed her clit and brought her to an orgasm in a minute or two —much faster than usual. Just a few strokes of my cock and I came too. Then we went flying out the door, laughing like lunatics.

At the concert she told me there was lipstick smeared on my face. Maslow noticed a curious phenomenon, difficult to explain or even describe, in his research on all kinds of peak experiences: He made this observation: Not only does time pass in their ecstasies with a frightening rapidity so that a day may pass as if it were a minute, but also a minute so intensely lived may feel like a day or a year. Knowledge of which memorability factors have contributed to your arousal in the past can help you cultivate conditions for more fulfilling sex now and in the future. For instance, passionate lovers who appreciate surprises become adept at deliberately breaking their sexual routines with playful experimentation.

It also requires the ability to increase your capacity for being surprised. Zestful lovers allow themselves to be caught off-guard. Too many people also assume that they can only wait and hope for idyllic situations or partners to bring special excitement to their lives. Passionate lovers discover that lucky moments happen more frequently to those who consciously devise the necessary conditions.

And far more than we realize, the seemingly magical appearance of an ideal partner is a mixture of happenstance and a heightened readiness on the part of the beholder to perceive beauty. Likewise, those who have luxuriated in extended lovemaking or found a special charge in quick sex can learn to request and seize opportunities for similar satisfactions that might easily slip by.

Who are these people? Are they similar to or different from your real-life partners? Luckily, in approximately 80 percent of their stories The Group does mention what kind of relationships they had with their partners. Closer analysis reveals that both the gender and the sexual orientation of the storytellers affect the kinds of partners with whom they are likely to have peak sex. But the most important consideration of all is whether the partner or partners is a real person in an actual encounter or a fantasy partner. This does not necessarily mean that the men go outside their primary relationships for peak sex, although some do.

More common, they recall peak encounters that occurred before they met their current partners. A number of men and women report that their most memorable encounters occurred with people who later became their primary partners. During the early stages of such involvements the intensity of infatuation is normally at its highest.

Women are almost twice as likely as men to mention that they feel romantically involved or in love with their partners in ecstasy 25 percent and 13 percent respectively. Here is the first instance of this phenomenon: Straight men mention loving their partners in 11 percent of their peak encounters, while almost one- fifth of the gay and bisexual men enthusiastically express love. But here we see another great gender difference: Reflecting this trend, the most likely of all subgroups to have anonymous encounters are bisexual men 50 percent and gay men 47 percent. At the other extreme, only 1 percent of the lesbians describe memorable sex with strangers or near-strangers.

Matthew, a gay college administrator, describes a particularly successful three-way: I saw two male lovers at a nude beach and enjoyed attracting their attention by getting a hard-on and letting them see it. He had a thick, beautifully proportioned cock. Even when soft it swayed heavily and slapped from thigh to thigh as he walked. Soon after we greeted he invited me to hang out with them. All afternoon we joked and flirted. They were both extremely handsome. I was thrilled when they invited me to dinner. At their place we all took turns showering.

When one of them was in the shower, the other would play with and suck my cock. They had been together five years and claimed this was their first three-way. Both turned out to be incredibly sexy. I could see into their bedroom from the kitchen as each dried off and stroked their hard dicks. By now the other one was feverishly jerking off. When we made it to the bedroom I was thrilled to watch them perform sixty- nine on each other —very hot.

I ended up fucking one lover as I was fucked by the other. Both men were warm, gentle, with great senses of humor. One also sang beautifully. They obviously loved each other. Our three-way never became competitive or tense—not even for a moment. Both were eager to please me, and I them. Bisexual women are the most likely of all to report peak encounters with multiple partners 25 percent , and bisexual men run a close second 20 percent. Such encounters offer obvious advantages for bisexuals, as is apparent in this steamy tale of group sex at a hot tub party told by Ginny, a college instructor in her early forties: At first I was reluctant because I feared the scene would be much too sleazy for my tastes.

Being a great salesman, Rob emphasized the fact that my previous lover was a woman and that I might enjoy watching both sexes getting it on. The party was at a beautiful home with a large pool and hot tub. The people were intelligent and friendly. Other than the nude sunbathing it was no different than any other party.

Rob was right, I certainly did enjoy gazing at the wonderful collection of bodies. After the sun went down the atmosphere became more sexual. Some people went inside, apparently to have sex in one of the many bedrooms. Rob and I joined the group in the hot tub. As we loosened up, people began massaging each other. One woman was sitting on the edge when another woman went down on her.

When I turned around his face told me he was about to come. He did and several people cheered. I was a little jealous but incredibly turned on. Over the next few hours, we put the lounge cushions on the deck around the tub so we had a choice of comfortable positions. I especially enjoyed being touched by Rob and a beautiful young woman at the same time. It was all so friendly and warm and fun—not at all like my idea of an orgy.

Although he denies it, I think Rob was more jealous than I because he never mentions trying it again. Matthew and Ginny are among the relatively few members of The Group who describe group sex encounters as their most memorable. These encounters are fraught with potential problems and are much more difficult to arrange than the more common one-on-one variety. Typically one partner is more interested in a multiple-partner adventure, which can result in arguments.

Once partners do agree on a three-way or group sex scene, somebody often feels left out or jealous. And what are the odds of three or more people having compatible sexual desires? All of these complications vanish, however, in the realm of the erotic imagination. Fantasies involving multiple partners are the most popular of all among The Group as a whole. Just as they are the most likely to have multiple partners in real life, bisexuals are the most drawn to fantasies of multiple partners 60 percent of bisexual men and 75 percent of bisexual women.

But more than a quarter of all women—even a third of the lesbians—say their favorite fantasies involve two or more partners. The same thing is true for 43 percent of the men. One finding may surprise you as it did me. Whereas almost one-fifth of gay men enjoy multiple sex in their memorable encounters, they are the least likely subgroup to include multiple partners in their favorite fantasies only 11 percent. The best explanation I can offer is that virtually any gay man who wants to try group sex or a three-way can find opportunities to do so, particularly in urban areas.

These activities were especially widespread in the freewheeling days before the AIDS epidemic. It appears that real-life experiences with multiple partners reduce their allure in fantasy. What is the meaning of the special appeal that multiple-partner fantasies hold for so many men and women? But what about women? Their most popular form of erotica—the romance novel—virtually never includes multiple partners. With rare exceptions, such as when three people fall in love with one another, multiple partners do not easily fit the romantic ideal.

Fantasies involving more than one partner typically have a purely lustful quality. The fantasizer is virtually always the focal point of such scenarios. The role of both partners is to respond to every whim of the fantasizer and in doing so to affirm his or her irresistability.

In addition, the fantasizer is always in control, whether he or she chooses to dominate, to submit, or prefers to watch the partners put on a show as they have sex with each other. I believe the most important attraction of three-ways is their ability to amplify whichever characteristics turn the fantasizer on. Typically, both partners are of the same gender and thus provide a double dose of maleness or femaleness. Consequently, straight women and gay men usually imagine two or more men, whereas straight men and lesbians gravitate toward two women.

Not surprisingly, bisexuals sometimes enjoy the presence of both genders, but many prefer to take advantage of the amplification effect by fantasizing about two men or two women, depending on their inclination at the moment. Second only to the popularity of multiple partners in favorite fantasies are very casual or anonymous partners.

Among most of the subgroups, regardless of gender, 20 to 24 percent of their favorite fantasies involve sexy strangers or casual, chance meetings. Bisexual men have the most fantasies of anonymous sex 40 percent and lesbians have the fewest 17 percent. In real-life encounters most women want some link between sex and feelings of emotional connection, as compared with a significant number of men who do not necessarily require or even want such a connection. However, this distinction almost completely disappears in fantasy. It is a dramatic reminder that in the realm of the erotic imagination we are frequently exempt from the values and preferences that guide our actual behavior.

In only 12 percent of cases does The Group select fantasy partners with whom they have any real involvement beyond their fantasies, whether as dates, boyfriends or girlfriends, or primary partners. An even greater gender difference appears in regard to being infatuated or in love with their fantasy partners. Women mention feelings of love more than three times more frequently than men 14 percent and 4 percent respectively. And once again, lesbians are the most likely 17 percent to mention loving their fantasy partners.

This brief overview of the kinds and numbers of partners involved in peak encounters and fantasies underscores how frequently highly arousing experiences deviate from the norms and ideals with which most of us are raised. How often have we read or been told that sex is best with a loving partner? Particularly in the realm of fantasy, the erotic mind claims for itself a wide zone of freedom from social conventions. The deeper, more complex dimensions of peak erotic events will occupy our attention in the coming chapters. If you have not yet started writing, why not begin now by responding to the SES or starting an erotic journal or both?

If you become a participating observer rather than a detached one, your discoveries will be much more likely to enrich you. This idea may have sounded reasonable enough, although perhaps a bit abstract. Think back over the peak encounters and fantasies you have remembered so far. Have you noticed anything that you felt inclined to judge? Avoid the circular trap of judging yourself for being judgmental. As your awareness of judgments increases, so too will your ability to set them aside. You may have found some of them a bit kinky.

Pretending to be open-minded is of little use. Jot down how you feel in your journal. When you come across a story that stimulates a particularly strong reaction, ask yourself how you might feel about the story if you approached it with an attitude of neutral curiosity. This discrepancy raises important questions: What is the relationship between peak arousal and the regular, everyday kind? Does studying particularly exciting sex help us produce additional satisfying experiences, or is there a danger that we might end up feeling disappointed with simpler, less earthshaking pleasures?

How unfortunate if we use the perfection of our best experiences to devalue more mundane sex. Sex therapists regularly see clients who have converted moments of special pleasure into sources of disappointment and frustration by using them to create higher standards and, in turn, greater pressures to perform. Tragically, they have turned the beauty of their peaks into painful reminders of their inadequacy. What is the alternative? Peak turn-ons bestow their gifts most generously when each is recognized as one-of-a-kind. All peak experiences spring from total involvement in the moment, which is lost if you split your attention by comparing one moment to another.

However, when you savor each magical memory on its own terms, your recollections help you to become more fully available for a wider variety peak erotic experiences. In the latter part of the s my professional interests and personal struggles coincided as never before. On the personal side I had just extricated myself from the most painful yet sexually exhilarating relationship of my life.

At one moment we would be lost in passion. Then, without warning, my lover would vanish, apparently overwhelmed by our closeness. For years I had come back for more until, devastated and humiliated, I eventually broke it off for good. As I mourned my loss, I wondered whether—if I ever let myself fall in love again—I was destined to repeat the same drama. In my professional life, especially my studies of eroticism, I was also at a turning point.

For years I had enthusiastically adhered to the principles of modern sex therapy launched by Masters and Johnson less than a decade before. They had made thousands of therapists realize that asking clients to try structured experiments at home could often help them work through even long-standing sexual problems more effectively than traditional therapies. This approach had a worthy goal: Whereas modern sex therapy is anchored in the neat-and-clean model of sexual interaction that views barriers and inhibitions as unnecessary and unwelcome troublemakers, I was finding it impossible to ignore the fact that barriers seem to turn people on at least as often as they turn them off.

Then, in preparation for a talk on sexual orientation, I was reading The Homosexual Matrix, an exceptional book by psychologist C. Tripp talking about me and my fizzled romance, but he was also addressing exactly the kinds of contradictions haunting me in my work. As I read on, my self-preoccupation gradually gave way to the realization that my own torturous struggle reflected a larger human drama: I had to admit the obvious truth: Some experiences, it seems, are so universal as to be virtually invisible.

When the erotic equation restates for people something they already know, they typically react as if a light has pierced the darkness. This is the heart of the matter: First, an attraction pulls you toward the object of your desire. Tripp says, to import. And you want the desired one to see qualities in you that are worthy of exporting to him or her.

Already the seeds are sown for your attraction to become truly dynamic. Suddenly or gradually, your fascination comes up against one or more obstacles to overcome—the second requirement for a truly compelling erotic response. Maybe the person is unavailable or somehow inappropriate to pursue. If your attraction touches a romantic chord, the risks of being hurt may loom up, urging you to retreat. Or you may simply be passing strangers, communicating with your eyes the thrill of something that can never be. The erotic equation shows us why peak eroticism is rarely tidy, static, or predictable.

It helps us fully grasp what we have always known: We are the most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain, poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster. The idea that our most erotic moments are born of conflict is not new. Freud certainly recognized it, though he conceptualized it differently. He believed that an eternal tension exists between the primitive, sexual, animalistic id and the overcivilized superego. Freud brought a radical message to his Victorian contemporaries: Like Freudian psychology, the erotic equation describes the interplay of impulse and restriction.

In any case, he concluded that even reasonably well-adjusted adults were doomed to frustration because the requirements of civilization must prevail over our unruly impulses. People often act as if this mystery were a fragile one. They fear that looking too closely at their attractions might dampen or destroy them. If you feel a similar reluctance to see all there is to see, let me offer you some assurances. Examining an attraction only disrupts or diminishes it if something about the attraction is detrimental to the person. Most people find that exploring their attractions deepens and enriches them.

If you approach your attractions with respect, they will reveal some of their secrets to you. Although you will never figure them out entirely, even small insights can enlarge the arena of your conscious choice—which is always empowering. There are two primary types of attraction: Each springs from distinct motives and generates different kinds of passions.

Those who aspire to a healthy erotic life must develop a comfortable relationship with both types of attractions, for each is part of our humanity. At one pole lust is simply pleasurable delight in our sensual appetites. At the opposite extreme, lust is defined as unrestrained, wanton surrender to carnal urges. From this point of view, a lustful person is often considered lascivious, lecherous, unsavory, and a potential menace.

Sexual lust is decidedly unpopular these days, firmly linked with disease, pregnant teenagers, sexual abuse, harassment, sexual addiction, and even lust murders. Given such unappealing associations, it may be difficult to think of it in a positive light. Thus the emphasis has shifted to relationships and monogamy.

AIDS, of course, changed ah that, but other factors also played a part. Although lust has perhaps inevitably fallen into disfavor, we make a terrible mistake if we reject it completely. Our erotic health requires that we make room for lust, for it provides much of the zest that makes sex fun and self-affirming. Socially, it is also very important not to reject lust, no matter how relentless the antisexual clamoring may become. When lust falls victim to the forces of repression, its negative potentials increase dramatically. At the heart of lusty attraction lies the desire for sexual excitation and orgasmic release, pure and simple.

It can be profound, utterly meaningless, playful, loving, or hostile. In its most intense forms lust has an animalistic quality that can be exhilarating, frightening, or both. The sexy other is simply a stimulus and, at least to a degree, an object. The nature of lust is to objectify, a reality that can be troublesome for many people. According to one popular line of thinking, to see a person as an object is to do him or her a grave injustice. Focusing on just a part of someone for sexual kicks—voluptuous breasts, bulging biceps, or genitals, for instance—may even be considered a form of victimization.

At its best it is an effective source of validation and approval. Having a desired partner perceive you as the object of desire can be flattering and exhilarating. Both men and women—although by no means all—crave opportunities to be responded to as sex objects, and more than a few bemoan the fact that it happens too rarely. And as a society we spend billions of dollars and untold hours trying to make ourselves attractive sexual objects. To objectify is also to externalize, to recognize the desired one as the other —that is, to see clearly that he or she is outside oneself.

This quality of otherness is absolutely essential for attraction. Not only is the object separated from the self, but that person is invested with sufficient value to make him or her worthy of pursuit. One of the most beneficial features of lusty objectification is how it facilitates selective perceptions and idealizations.

When you lust after someone, you naturally emphasize the qualities you find most appealing. Sonya, a thirty-eight-year-old member of The Group, describes how her fantasy life revolves around lusty objectification: I hardly ever have complete fantasy stories like the ones in books. When I want to get hot I just imagine a beautiful set of male buns. I love to scan my eyes from the wide, muscular shoulders, down the v-shaped back, to that sloping transition from back to butt.

The very top of the crack thrills me, especially when I catch a glimpse of it at the beach when a hot guy is wearing a skimpy swim suit. A gorgeous set of buns calls out to be caressed by my eyes or fingers. I go nuts over ones with dimple indentations on the sides. The strongest example of the objectifying quality of lust is a fetish, a superfocused erotic fascination with an inanimate object—something like underwear or shoes or garter belts—although the popular definition has gradually expanded to include a greater than usual fascination with a particular body part.

The fetish object usually has some obvious link to sex, but not always.

Yet almost everyone with a fetish knows the circumstances under which it developed and its erotic significance for them. I once worked with a man who was very concerned about his obsession with raincoats, especially yellow plastic ones. His most intense orgasms occurred when he masturbated while wearing a raincoat, of which he had quite a collection. Although dismayed by his fetish, he had no trouble explaining it. As a boy he had received a gift of a little fire truck large enough for him to sit on and drive around the room. There were two things he especially liked about this toy: Much later he came to realize that he was gay and that his fire truck sensations and fantasies offered him a compelling focal point for his fascination with men and masculinity.

As years went by the masturbatory aspects of his raincoat rituals became more explicit and intense. This story demonstrates how lust can become focused on a single object and the images that go with it. The fetish object becomes a kind of shorthand or, more accurately, an erotic cue that provides a pinpoint focus for arousal. It was once widely believed that women had little if any interest in lust. The narrowing of focus that is a hallmark of lust operates in both sexes, although it is significantly more pronounced in men.

I believe that a major reason for this difference is the penis—an instantaneous and unavoidable arousal feedback system. A stiffening penis is extremely difficult to ignore. Later, when they learn to masturbate, most men discover an even more compelling link between their favorite fantasy images and the immediate responses of their genitals. When a girl feels turned on, her genital responses are far less obvious. However, these differences are slowly changing. An increasing number of women are deliberately using masturbation and fantasy to cultivate more defined, focused erotic preferences.

The same, of course, is true of lust. This is the currently fashionable explanation for acts such as rape and incest. But it is sex and power and hatred—all rolled up together with the delusion among many predators that their victims actually enjoy it. I believe that the same is required for erotic health.

It is a terrible mistake to deny or downplay the dog- eat-dog aspects that exist in all human interactions, including sexual ones. Only when we see both the positive and the negative expressions of our lusty impulses can we truly appreciate—with our eyes wide open—all the ways lust can add richness and zest to life.

Lust connects us with our animal passions and brings us closer to primitive energies and motivations, which is precisely why it is so often feared. Conversely, lust is most likely to turn destructive when it is split off from the rest of life, banished to a dark corner where it festers and grows hostile.

Lust, by its very nature, objectifies, at least to a degree, but if you experience lust as an integral part of your total self, lusty objectification is balanced by your capacities to empathize with and respect others. And so, for example, while you may fantasize about taking someone sexually against his or her will or about being taken , you will be able to draw a clear line between fantasy and behavior.

Built into many a lusty fantasy or encounter is a hidden hope for more. In someone who experiences the full range of human needs, fears, and dreams, lust is sometimes the most tangible expression of a desire to reach out, to overcome physical separation and loneliness. How often has a momentary, casual turn-on ignited a desire for another moment with that particular person?

More often than you might think. The romantic urge usually aspires to an even deeper goal—no less than personal transformation through the temporary joining of two separate beings. Whereas lusty energy flows from the groin, romantic attractions are experienced as emanating from the heart, although it is usually a meeting of eyes that first alerts you to the possibility of romance.

Historically, psychologists have been reluctant to study romantic love, preferring to leave the subject to poets, philosophers, and artists, who presumably are more at home with the fundamental irrationality of love. In Freudian psychology the search for lost wholeness is associated with an impossible attempt to regain the symbiotic relationship we enjoyed as infants at the breast or even in the womb. To this day many psychoanalysts view romantic desires as regressive, neurotic, and immature. But because the chief concerns of psychoanalysis are the unconscious and the erotic impulses, insightful practitioners have returned repeatedly to the mysteries of love.

Theodore Reik proposed that the romantic urge is motivated by a search for the idealized self. Other students of love insist that the essence of love is the need to overcome the ultimate loneliness of existence, a need implicit in the Platonic myth of the divided self. I agree with Ethel Person, a contemporary psychoanalyst who breaks with tradition by asserting that the search for love is not merely an attempt to restore a lost connection with the mother.

She acknowledges that the unmet needs and unresolved conflicts of childhood all find expression in the romantic adventure, but insists that the ultimate goal is enlargement of the self. The search for love is a creative project, a great act of imagination that is shaped at least as much by where we are going as by where we have been. One thing is certain: She has a point. Yet falling in love is life-altering, most decidedly a very big deal. Tennov describes the key components of limerence: Tennov reaches the same conclusion as virtually everyone who has made a serious attempt to probe the motivations of love: When I met Lelani it was love at first sight.

Not only was she the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, but somehow I knew she was equally beautiful on the inside. My friend said I was a wreck and he was right. I called up the woman who gave the party to see if she could help me out. The next day she called to tell me that Lelani thought I was very sweet and handsome.

I was dancing around the house like a teenager. Never have I felt so happy. On our first date we talked intimately over dinner. I wanted to know everything about her and hoped she felt the same.

Afterward we spent about three hours kissing passionately in my car—just kissing! She told me she longed to be with me, the words I wanted to hear. A dizzying combination of aliveness and helplessness, the limerent high makes everything pale in comparison to the beloved. We are likely to experience the onset of romantic love in passive terms, as something that happens to us.

This feeling can blind us to a more subtle yet equally important truth: Whereas lust objectifies, limerence idealizes. Ironically, however, idealization can simply be another form of objectification. And you probably wondered if the real you mattered at all. Those under the spell of early romance are notoriously unable to see the faults of the beloved, even if they are glaring to everyone else—particularly concerned friends and family members. If your original image is too far from reality, you will become increasingly disillusioned and your attraction will wither and die. Even when limerence cools, as it inevitably will, the lover maintains a positive bias toward the beloved, a natural inclination to see what is best.

Even so, the ways that men and women approach and experience romance are often quite different. Ignoring these differences can cause painful mistakes. For the most part, girls grow up steeped in the feelings, language, and imagery of interpersonal connection, closeness, and intimacy. If an infant girl forms a reasonably positive bond with her mother, she will learn to value nurturance, attachment, and the primacy of emotions—lessons she will draw on for the rest of her life. In addition, virtually every girl participates to one degree or another in a collective mythology that includes stories and dreams of love and romance.

By the time she becomes a young woman, responding to social conditioning, to archetypal images of femininity passed down to her verbally and nonverbally, and perhaps also to innate propensities, she will define her identity largely through her intimate connections. It is quite different for most men. A typical boy will also experience his first intimate bond with mother. But whereas a girl readily sustains this bond and builds on it as she experiments with other nurturing alliances, boys must eventually separate themselves from their mothers to establish a masculine identity.

Consequently, for most adolescent males, identity is not established through intimate connections but through achievements, exploits, and tests. For the male, romantic intensity, if experienced too soon and too strongly, can threaten his budding sense of autonomy. But these attractions will soon be contaminated by his need to act cool and unperturbed, no matter how rattled he may feel inside.

This is a key factor behind many of the behaviors commonly attributed to male ego. When a woman falls in love she is likely to be prepared, at least to some degree, for the strong emotions and vulnerabilities that follow. The first limerent experience for a man is typically the same roller-coaster ride of euphoria and risk that it is for a woman, but he enters this new world of emotional intensity with practically no preparation. While it is usually more difficult for a man to leap into limerence, once he does he becomes—and feels—exceedingly vulnerable. Much to the dismay of his partner, he may need to take refuge by avoiding or withdrawing from his LO.

Love is most likely to show its destructive potential when the romantic impulse is not reciprocated. The challenges and joys of merging are intricately interwoven with surrender and control. On the one hand, without surrender there is no merging. To bask in the transformative powers of the idealized other, you must relinquish control. Inevitably, you begin to feel the need to control your lover. You have crucial emotional interests to protect because your well-being now seems to depend on the actions and feelings of someone else.

In addition, you naturally want to express the enlarged sense of self he or she has stimulated. You want your beloved to recognize and respond to your needs, preferably knowing what they are as if by magic. You may resort to manipulation and ultimatums to get your way, strategies not noted for winning affection.

The intensity and insecurity of the romantic situation can push both surrender and control to their destructive extremes. Person sums up the danger: At the same time, men—having learned to react to danger with aggression and force—are probably more prone to slip into dominance. Occasionally, romantic intensity merely sputters out. More commonly, dying love turns rancid for a time. The same selective and exaggerated perceptions that idealized the beloved in early limerence now reverse and turn him or her into a monster.

As love turns to hate, mental energies that once concentrated on adoration are now directed toward fantasies of revenge, sometimes leading to destructive, occasionally murderous acts. Person eloquently gets to the heart of the matter: The deep irrational force in love, so necessary to the projects of transcendence and transformation, may sometimes run amok. This is, of course, why love is so often likened to madness. Straight men mention loving their partners in 11 percent of their peak encounters, while almost one- fifth of the gay and bisexual men enthusiastically express love.

But here we see another great gender difference: Reflecting this trend, the most likely of all subgroups to have anonymous encounters are bisexual men 50 percent and gay men 47 percent. At the other extreme, only 1 percent of the lesbians describe memorable sex with strangers or near-strangers. Matthew, a gay college administrator, describes a particularly successful three-way: I saw two male lovers at a nude beach and enjoyed attracting their attention by getting a hard-on and letting them see it.

He had a thick, beautifully proportioned cock. Even when soft it swayed heavily and slapped from thigh to thigh as he walked. Soon after we greeted he invited me to hang out with them. All afternoon we joked and flirted. They were both extremely handsome. I was thrilled when they invited me to dinner. At their place we all took turns showering. When one of them was in the shower, the other would play with and suck my cock. They had been together five years and claimed this was their first three-way.

Both turned out to be incredibly sexy. I could see into their bedroom from the kitchen as each dried off and stroked their hard dicks. By now the other one was feverishly jerking off. When we made it to the bedroom I was thrilled to watch them perform sixty- nine on each other —very hot. I ended up fucking one lover as I was fucked by the other. Both men were warm, gentle, with great senses of humor. One also sang beautifully. They obviously loved each other.

The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin: A Summary and Review

Our three-way never became competitive or tense—not even for a moment. Both were eager to please me, and I them. Bisexual women are the most likely of all to report peak encounters with multiple partners 25 percent , and bisexual men run a close second 20 percent. Such encounters offer obvious advantages for bisexuals, as is apparent in this steamy tale of group sex at a hot tub party told by Ginny, a college instructor in her early forties: At first I was reluctant because I feared the scene would be much too sleazy for my tastes.

Being a great salesman, Rob emphasized the fact that my previous lover was a woman and that I might enjoy watching both sexes getting it on. The party was at a beautiful home with a large pool and hot tub. The people were intelligent and friendly. Other than the nude sunbathing it was no different than any other party. Rob was right, I certainly did enjoy gazing at the wonderful collection of bodies.

After the sun went down the atmosphere became more sexual. Some people went inside, apparently to have sex in one of the many bedrooms. Rob and I joined the group in the hot tub. As we loosened up, people began massaging each other. One woman was sitting on the edge when another woman went down on her. When I turned around his face told me he was about to come. He did and several people cheered. I was a little jealous but incredibly turned on. Over the next few hours, we put the lounge cushions on the deck around the tub so we had a choice of comfortable positions.

I especially enjoyed being touched by Rob and a beautiful young woman at the same time. It was all so friendly and warm and fun—not at all like my idea of an orgy. Although he denies it, I think Rob was more jealous than I because he never mentions trying it again. Matthew and Ginny are among the relatively few members of The Group who describe group sex encounters as their most memorable. These encounters are fraught with potential problems and are much more difficult to arrange than the more common one-on-one variety. Typically one partner is more interested in a multiple-partner adventure, which can result in arguments.

Once partners do agree on a three-way or group sex scene, somebody often feels left out or jealous. And what are the odds of three or more people having compatible sexual desires? All of these complications vanish, however, in the realm of the erotic imagination. Fantasies involving multiple partners are the most popular of all among The Group as a whole. Just as they are the most likely to have multiple partners in real life, bisexuals are the most drawn to fantasies of multiple partners 60 percent of bisexual men and 75 percent of bisexual women.

But more than a quarter of all women—even a third of the lesbians—say their favorite fantasies involve two or more partners. The same thing is true for 43 percent of the men. One finding may surprise you as it did me. Whereas almost one-fifth of gay men enjoy multiple sex in their memorable encounters, they are the least likely subgroup to include multiple partners in their favorite fantasies only 11 percent.

The best explanation I can offer is that virtually any gay man who wants to try group sex or a three-way can find opportunities to do so, particularly in urban areas. These activities were especially widespread in the freewheeling days before the AIDS epidemic. It appears that real-life experiences with multiple partners reduce their allure in fantasy. What is the meaning of the special appeal that multiple-partner fantasies hold for so many men and women? But what about women? Their most popular form of erotica—the romance novel—virtually never includes multiple partners. With rare exceptions, such as when three people fall in love with one another, multiple partners do not easily fit the romantic ideal.

Fantasies involving more than one partner typically have a purely lustful quality. The fantasizer is virtually always the focal point of such scenarios. The role of both partners is to respond to every whim of the fantasizer and in doing so to affirm his or her irresistability. In addition, the fantasizer is always in control, whether he or she chooses to dominate, to submit, or prefers to watch the partners put on a show as they have sex with each other. I believe the most important attraction of three-ways is their ability to amplify whichever characteristics turn the fantasizer on.

Typically, both partners are of the same gender and thus provide a double dose of maleness or femaleness. Consequently, straight women and gay men usually imagine two or more men, whereas straight men and lesbians gravitate toward two women. Not surprisingly, bisexuals sometimes enjoy the presence of both genders, but many prefer to take advantage of the amplification effect by fantasizing about two men or two women, depending on their inclination at the moment.

Second only to the popularity of multiple partners in favorite fantasies are very casual or anonymous partners. Among most of the subgroups, regardless of gender, 20 to 24 percent of their favorite fantasies involve sexy strangers or casual, chance meetings. Bisexual men have the most fantasies of anonymous sex 40 percent and lesbians have the fewest 17 percent. In real-life encounters most women want some link between sex and feelings of emotional connection, as compared with a significant number of men who do not necessarily require or even want such a connection.

However, this distinction almost completely disappears in fantasy. It is a dramatic reminder that in the realm of the erotic imagination we are frequently exempt from the values and preferences that guide our actual behavior. In only 12 percent of cases does The Group select fantasy partners with whom they have any real involvement beyond their fantasies, whether as dates, boyfriends or girlfriends, or primary partners.

An even greater gender difference appears in regard to being infatuated or in love with their fantasy partners. Women mention feelings of love more than three times more frequently than men 14 percent and 4 percent respectively. And once again, lesbians are the most likely 17 percent to mention loving their fantasy partners. This brief overview of the kinds and numbers of partners involved in peak encounters and fantasies underscores how frequently highly arousing experiences deviate from the norms and ideals with which most of us are raised.

How often have we read or been told that sex is best with a loving partner? Particularly in the realm of fantasy, the erotic mind claims for itself a wide zone of freedom from social conventions. The deeper, more complex dimensions of peak erotic events will occupy our attention in the coming chapters. If you have not yet started writing, why not begin now by responding to the SES or starting an erotic journal or both?

If you become a participating observer rather than a detached one, your discoveries will be much more likely to enrich you. This idea may have sounded reasonable enough, although perhaps a bit abstract. Think back over the peak encounters and fantasies you have remembered so far. Have you noticed anything that you felt inclined to judge?

Avoid the circular trap of judging yourself for being judgmental. As your awareness of judgments increases, so too will your ability to set them aside. You may have found some of them a bit kinky. Pretending to be open-minded is of little use. Jot down how you feel in your journal. When you come across a story that stimulates a particularly strong reaction, ask yourself how you might feel about the story if you approached it with an attitude of neutral curiosity.

This discrepancy raises important questions: What is the relationship between peak arousal and the regular, everyday kind? Does studying particularly exciting sex help us produce additional satisfying experiences, or is there a danger that we might end up feeling disappointed with simpler, less earthshaking pleasures?

How unfortunate if we use the perfection of our best experiences to devalue more mundane sex. Sex therapists regularly see clients who have converted moments of special pleasure into sources of disappointment and frustration by using them to create higher standards and, in turn, greater pressures to perform. Tragically, they have turned the beauty of their peaks into painful reminders of their inadequacy. What is the alternative? Peak turn-ons bestow their gifts most generously when each is recognized as one-of-a-kind. All peak experiences spring from total involvement in the moment, which is lost if you split your attention by comparing one moment to another.

However, when you savor each magical memory on its own terms, your recollections help you to become more fully available for a wider variety peak erotic experiences. In the latter part of the s my professional interests and personal struggles coincided as never before. On the personal side I had just extricated myself from the most painful yet sexually exhilarating relationship of my life. At one moment we would be lost in passion.

Then, without warning, my lover would vanish, apparently overwhelmed by our closeness. For years I had come back for more until, devastated and humiliated, I eventually broke it off for good. As I mourned my loss, I wondered whether—if I ever let myself fall in love again—I was destined to repeat the same drama. In my professional life, especially my studies of eroticism, I was also at a turning point. For years I had enthusiastically adhered to the principles of modern sex therapy launched by Masters and Johnson less than a decade before.

They had made thousands of therapists realize that asking clients to try structured experiments at home could often help them work through even long-standing sexual problems more effectively than traditional therapies. This approach had a worthy goal: Whereas modern sex therapy is anchored in the neat-and-clean model of sexual interaction that views barriers and inhibitions as unnecessary and unwelcome troublemakers, I was finding it impossible to ignore the fact that barriers seem to turn people on at least as often as they turn them off.

Then, in preparation for a talk on sexual orientation, I was reading The Homosexual Matrix, an exceptional book by psychologist C. Tripp talking about me and my fizzled romance, but he was also addressing exactly the kinds of contradictions haunting me in my work. As I read on, my self-preoccupation gradually gave way to the realization that my own torturous struggle reflected a larger human drama: I had to admit the obvious truth: Some experiences, it seems, are so universal as to be virtually invisible.

When the erotic equation restates for people something they already know, they typically react as if a light has pierced the darkness. This is the heart of the matter: First, an attraction pulls you toward the object of your desire. Tripp says, to import. And you want the desired one to see qualities in you that are worthy of exporting to him or her. Already the seeds are sown for your attraction to become truly dynamic.

Suddenly or gradually, your fascination comes up against one or more obstacles to overcome—the second requirement for a truly compelling erotic response. Maybe the person is unavailable or somehow inappropriate to pursue. If your attraction touches a romantic chord, the risks of being hurt may loom up, urging you to retreat. Or you may simply be passing strangers, communicating with your eyes the thrill of something that can never be. The erotic equation shows us why peak eroticism is rarely tidy, static, or predictable.

It helps us fully grasp what we have always known: We are the most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain, poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster. The idea that our most erotic moments are born of conflict is not new. Freud certainly recognized it, though he conceptualized it differently.

He believed that an eternal tension exists between the primitive, sexual, animalistic id and the overcivilized superego. Freud brought a radical message to his Victorian contemporaries: Like Freudian psychology, the erotic equation describes the interplay of impulse and restriction. In any case, he concluded that even reasonably well-adjusted adults were doomed to frustration because the requirements of civilization must prevail over our unruly impulses. People often act as if this mystery were a fragile one.

They fear that looking too closely at their attractions might dampen or destroy them. If you feel a similar reluctance to see all there is to see, let me offer you some assurances. Examining an attraction only disrupts or diminishes it if something about the attraction is detrimental to the person. Most people find that exploring their attractions deepens and enriches them. If you approach your attractions with respect, they will reveal some of their secrets to you. Although you will never figure them out entirely, even small insights can enlarge the arena of your conscious choice—which is always empowering.

There are two primary types of attraction: Each springs from distinct motives and generates different kinds of passions. Those who aspire to a healthy erotic life must develop a comfortable relationship with both types of attractions, for each is part of our humanity. At one pole lust is simply pleasurable delight in our sensual appetites. At the opposite extreme, lust is defined as unrestrained, wanton surrender to carnal urges.

From this point of view, a lustful person is often considered lascivious, lecherous, unsavory, and a potential menace. Sexual lust is decidedly unpopular these days, firmly linked with disease, pregnant teenagers, sexual abuse, harassment, sexual addiction, and even lust murders. Given such unappealing associations, it may be difficult to think of it in a positive light.

Thus the emphasis has shifted to relationships and monogamy. AIDS, of course, changed ah that, but other factors also played a part. Although lust has perhaps inevitably fallen into disfavor, we make a terrible mistake if we reject it completely. Our erotic health requires that we make room for lust, for it provides much of the zest that makes sex fun and self-affirming. Socially, it is also very important not to reject lust, no matter how relentless the antisexual clamoring may become.

When lust falls victim to the forces of repression, its negative potentials increase dramatically. At the heart of lusty attraction lies the desire for sexual excitation and orgasmic release, pure and simple. It can be profound, utterly meaningless, playful, loving, or hostile. In its most intense forms lust has an animalistic quality that can be exhilarating, frightening, or both. The sexy other is simply a stimulus and, at least to a degree, an object. The nature of lust is to objectify, a reality that can be troublesome for many people. According to one popular line of thinking, to see a person as an object is to do him or her a grave injustice.

Focusing on just a part of someone for sexual kicks—voluptuous breasts, bulging biceps, or genitals, for instance—may even be considered a form of victimization. At its best it is an effective source of validation and approval. Having a desired partner perceive you as the object of desire can be flattering and exhilarating. Both men and women—although by no means all—crave opportunities to be responded to as sex objects, and more than a few bemoan the fact that it happens too rarely.

And as a society we spend billions of dollars and untold hours trying to make ourselves attractive sexual objects. To objectify is also to externalize, to recognize the desired one as the other —that is, to see clearly that he or she is outside oneself. This quality of otherness is absolutely essential for attraction. Not only is the object separated from the self, but that person is invested with sufficient value to make him or her worthy of pursuit. One of the most beneficial features of lusty objectification is how it facilitates selective perceptions and idealizations.

When you lust after someone, you naturally emphasize the qualities you find most appealing. Sonya, a thirty-eight-year-old member of The Group, describes how her fantasy life revolves around lusty objectification: I hardly ever have complete fantasy stories like the ones in books. When I want to get hot I just imagine a beautiful set of male buns. I love to scan my eyes from the wide, muscular shoulders, down the v-shaped back, to that sloping transition from back to butt.

The very top of the crack thrills me, especially when I catch a glimpse of it at the beach when a hot guy is wearing a skimpy swim suit. A gorgeous set of buns calls out to be caressed by my eyes or fingers. I go nuts over ones with dimple indentations on the sides. The strongest example of the objectifying quality of lust is a fetish, a superfocused erotic fascination with an inanimate object—something like underwear or shoes or garter belts—although the popular definition has gradually expanded to include a greater than usual fascination with a particular body part.

The fetish object usually has some obvious link to sex, but not always. Yet almost everyone with a fetish knows the circumstances under which it developed and its erotic significance for them. I once worked with a man who was very concerned about his obsession with raincoats, especially yellow plastic ones. His most intense orgasms occurred when he masturbated while wearing a raincoat, of which he had quite a collection. Although dismayed by his fetish, he had no trouble explaining it.

As a boy he had received a gift of a little fire truck large enough for him to sit on and drive around the room. There were two things he especially liked about this toy: Much later he came to realize that he was gay and that his fire truck sensations and fantasies offered him a compelling focal point for his fascination with men and masculinity. As years went by the masturbatory aspects of his raincoat rituals became more explicit and intense. This story demonstrates how lust can become focused on a single object and the images that go with it.

The fetish object becomes a kind of shorthand or, more accurately, an erotic cue that provides a pinpoint focus for arousal. It was once widely believed that women had little if any interest in lust. The narrowing of focus that is a hallmark of lust operates in both sexes, although it is significantly more pronounced in men. I believe that a major reason for this difference is the penis—an instantaneous and unavoidable arousal feedback system.

A stiffening penis is extremely difficult to ignore. Later, when they learn to masturbate, most men discover an even more compelling link between their favorite fantasy images and the immediate responses of their genitals. When a girl feels turned on, her genital responses are far less obvious. However, these differences are slowly changing. An increasing number of women are deliberately using masturbation and fantasy to cultivate more defined, focused erotic preferences. The same, of course, is true of lust. This is the currently fashionable explanation for acts such as rape and incest.

But it is sex and power and hatred—all rolled up together with the delusion among many predators that their victims actually enjoy it. I believe that the same is required for erotic health. It is a terrible mistake to deny or downplay the dog- eat-dog aspects that exist in all human interactions, including sexual ones. Only when we see both the positive and the negative expressions of our lusty impulses can we truly appreciate—with our eyes wide open—all the ways lust can add richness and zest to life. Lust connects us with our animal passions and brings us closer to primitive energies and motivations, which is precisely why it is so often feared.

Conversely, lust is most likely to turn destructive when it is split off from the rest of life, banished to a dark corner where it festers and grows hostile. Lust, by its very nature, objectifies, at least to a degree, but if you experience lust as an integral part of your total self, lusty objectification is balanced by your capacities to empathize with and respect others.

And so, for example, while you may fantasize about taking someone sexually against his or her will or about being taken , you will be able to draw a clear line between fantasy and behavior. Built into many a lusty fantasy or encounter is a hidden hope for more. In someone who experiences the full range of human needs, fears, and dreams, lust is sometimes the most tangible expression of a desire to reach out, to overcome physical separation and loneliness.

How often has a momentary, casual turn-on ignited a desire for another moment with that particular person? More often than you might think. The romantic urge usually aspires to an even deeper goal—no less than personal transformation through the temporary joining of two separate beings. Whereas lusty energy flows from the groin, romantic attractions are experienced as emanating from the heart, although it is usually a meeting of eyes that first alerts you to the possibility of romance. Historically, psychologists have been reluctant to study romantic love, preferring to leave the subject to poets, philosophers, and artists, who presumably are more at home with the fundamental irrationality of love.

In Freudian psychology the search for lost wholeness is associated with an impossible attempt to regain the symbiotic relationship we enjoyed as infants at the breast or even in the womb. To this day many psychoanalysts view romantic desires as regressive, neurotic, and immature. But because the chief concerns of psychoanalysis are the unconscious and the erotic impulses, insightful practitioners have returned repeatedly to the mysteries of love.

Theodore Reik proposed that the romantic urge is motivated by a search for the idealized self. Other students of love insist that the essence of love is the need to overcome the ultimate loneliness of existence, a need implicit in the Platonic myth of the divided self. I agree with Ethel Person, a contemporary psychoanalyst who breaks with tradition by asserting that the search for love is not merely an attempt to restore a lost connection with the mother.

She acknowledges that the unmet needs and unresolved conflicts of childhood all find expression in the romantic adventure, but insists that the ultimate goal is enlargement of the self. The search for love is a creative project, a great act of imagination that is shaped at least as much by where we are going as by where we have been. One thing is certain: She has a point. Yet falling in love is life-altering, most decidedly a very big deal.

Tennov describes the key components of limerence: Tennov reaches the same conclusion as virtually everyone who has made a serious attempt to probe the motivations of love: When I met Lelani it was love at first sight. Not only was she the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, but somehow I knew she was equally beautiful on the inside. My friend said I was a wreck and he was right. I called up the woman who gave the party to see if she could help me out. The next day she called to tell me that Lelani thought I was very sweet and handsome.

By: Joseph Kramer Ph.D.

I was dancing around the house like a teenager. Never have I felt so happy. On our first date we talked intimately over dinner. I wanted to know everything about her and hoped she felt the same. Afterward we spent about three hours kissing passionately in my car—just kissing! She told me she longed to be with me, the words I wanted to hear. A dizzying combination of aliveness and helplessness, the limerent high makes everything pale in comparison to the beloved. We are likely to experience the onset of romantic love in passive terms, as something that happens to us.

This feeling can blind us to a more subtle yet equally important truth: Whereas lust objectifies, limerence idealizes. Ironically, however, idealization can simply be another form of objectification. And you probably wondered if the real you mattered at all. Those under the spell of early romance are notoriously unable to see the faults of the beloved, even if they are glaring to everyone else—particularly concerned friends and family members. If your original image is too far from reality, you will become increasingly disillusioned and your attraction will wither and die.

Even when limerence cools, as it inevitably will, the lover maintains a positive bias toward the beloved, a natural inclination to see what is best. Even so, the ways that men and women approach and experience romance are often quite different. Ignoring these differences can cause painful mistakes. For the most part, girls grow up steeped in the feelings, language, and imagery of interpersonal connection, closeness, and intimacy.

If an infant girl forms a reasonably positive bond with her mother, she will learn to value nurturance, attachment, and the primacy of emotions—lessons she will draw on for the rest of her life. In addition, virtually every girl participates to one degree or another in a collective mythology that includes stories and dreams of love and romance. By the time she becomes a young woman, responding to social conditioning, to archetypal images of femininity passed down to her verbally and nonverbally, and perhaps also to innate propensities, she will define her identity largely through her intimate connections.

It is quite different for most men. A typical boy will also experience his first intimate bond with mother. But whereas a girl readily sustains this bond and builds on it as she experiments with other nurturing alliances, boys must eventually separate themselves from their mothers to establish a masculine identity. Consequently, for most adolescent males, identity is not established through intimate connections but through achievements, exploits, and tests. For the male, romantic intensity, if experienced too soon and too strongly, can threaten his budding sense of autonomy.

But these attractions will soon be contaminated by his need to act cool and unperturbed, no matter how rattled he may feel inside. This is a key factor behind many of the behaviors commonly attributed to male ego. When a woman falls in love she is likely to be prepared, at least to some degree, for the strong emotions and vulnerabilities that follow. The first limerent experience for a man is typically the same roller-coaster ride of euphoria and risk that it is for a woman, but he enters this new world of emotional intensity with practically no preparation. While it is usually more difficult for a man to leap into limerence, once he does he becomes—and feels—exceedingly vulnerable.

Much to the dismay of his partner, he may need to take refuge by avoiding or withdrawing from his LO. Love is most likely to show its destructive potential when the romantic impulse is not reciprocated. The challenges and joys of merging are intricately interwoven with surrender and control. On the one hand, without surrender there is no merging. To bask in the transformative powers of the idealized other, you must relinquish control. Inevitably, you begin to feel the need to control your lover. You have crucial emotional interests to protect because your well-being now seems to depend on the actions and feelings of someone else.

In addition, you naturally want to express the enlarged sense of self he or she has stimulated. You want your beloved to recognize and respond to your needs, preferably knowing what they are as if by magic. You may resort to manipulation and ultimatums to get your way, strategies not noted for winning affection.

The intensity and insecurity of the romantic situation can push both surrender and control to their destructive extremes. Person sums up the danger: At the same time, men—having learned to react to danger with aggression and force—are probably more prone to slip into dominance. Occasionally, romantic intensity merely sputters out.

More commonly, dying love turns rancid for a time. The same selective and exaggerated perceptions that idealized the beloved in early limerence now reverse and turn him or her into a monster. As love turns to hate, mental energies that once concentrated on adoration are now directed toward fantasies of revenge, sometimes leading to destructive, occasionally murderous acts.

Person eloquently gets to the heart of the matter: The deep irrational force in love, so necessary to the projects of transcendence and transformation, may sometimes run amok. This is, of course, why love is so often likened to madness. Passionate love, like all the experiences that open up the self, verges on the borders of self-harm and aggression.

In fact, such hazards are intrinsic to all the great creative projects. No wonder the romantic adventure is fraught with risk. Although it is relatively rare, some limerent attachments are never consummated in overt sexual behavior. In some cases the emotional risks of romance are so enormous that fear disrupts the physiological mechanisms of arousal or orgasm. Some emotionally intense relationships—most common among women but occasionally seen in male friendships too—have all of the hallmarks of limerence except no apparent sexual desire.

Aside from such situations, however, the limerent object is almost always seen as at least a potential sexual partner. But because limerent attractions seek much more than physical gratification, they often pull the desirer in unexpected directions. By its nature, attraction is a primary sexual activator. But the erotic equation tells us that we will have a far stronger response to our attractions if they are made more difficult, challenging, or uncertain by having one or more obstacles to overcome.

Some arousal-enhancing obstacles work their magic by blocking access to the object of desire —either before or during a sexual interaction. Notice how multiple obstacles between Grace, a middle-aged divorcee, and her younger lover accentuate their desire and launch them into an incredibly sensuous exchange: I had just come out of a very bad marriage and had sworn off guys. Then I met a wonderful man six years my junior. He was very attractive but I was afraid to have sex with him.

He seemed so young and I so jaded. And besides, neither of us had enough privacy. One night after we had gone out to dinner, we came back to my apartment which I had to myself for a change! I began to let my guard down. Very slowly he began to take my clothes off piece by piece. He picked me up and carried me to the bed. He kissed every part of my body. At first I was startled and tried to get up, but he told me to relax and enjoy. So I lay back and let him take me to heights I had never known before. Needless to say, we spent the entire weekend in bed. It was also the night I learned all about oral sex.

Here is a clear example of obstacles intervening on the way to sex. The slow ritual of undressing symbolizes the peeling away of each obstacle. In other situations obstacles are most strongly felt during an encounter when differences or conflicts between the lovers generate sparks. Will tells of high drama and wild sex between him and his mismatched girlfriend: I once dated a girl named Kit who was an awesome fox but unbelievably stubborn and demanding like me, only worse. Everything always had to be her way so we argued constantly about the stupidest things.

We fought all the way up. The strange part was that the sexual tension between us was beyond extreme. It was almost too intense. At one point, I had her pinned down on the floor fucking her brains out. She dug her nails into my back, while we both thrashed around like animals in heat. Things got even wilder when she started having orgasms, one after the other.

She bit my shoulder and slapped me which really stung. But I continued plowing her until I exploded. We repeated this scene several times during the weekend. But right up until we called it quits the sex was always like this, except normally a little calmer. No other woman has ever affected me this way. I have saner sex with my current girlfriend.

Those who, like Grace, must overcome obstacles on the way to an encounter usually engage in tender yet passionate lovemaking once they finally do get together. On the other hand, those like Will, who savor the energy of high-tension relationships, usually engage in rougher, more boisterous sex. This is one reason that visual stimulation is often so crucial to the initiation of sexual interest.

Your eyes allow you to reach across the chasm of psychic and physical space, to catch a glimpse of someone who activates your fascination. Partly, of course, their lack of neediness places them in a strong, relaxed position, especially compared to those who are desperately searching for someone. The role of distance in keeping erotic interest high is especially obvious when lovers must overcome the obstacle of geography. Those who are forced to endure an ongoing separation wait eagerly for the next chance to see each other.

During periods of reunification, erotic sparks are likely to fly. When such relationships survive—obviously the strains are enormous—they typically retain a high erotic intensity long after their living-together counterparts have settled into more comfortable but sexually cooler routines. In both love and lust, the challenge is to find an optimal distance —neither too close nor too far. If you think of sexual arousal as being like an electric spark, you can easily visualize how the size of the gap separating the two poles is crucial.

If the gap grows too large, even the high voltage of strong attraction will be unable to jump it. But if the gap becomes too narrow, especially if the poles continually touch, the circuit is completed, making sparks impossible. No wonder successful long-term lovers must find creative ways to balance their closeness with the separateness necessary for erotic enthusiasm.

Not only do our styles of dress portray the image we want to present to the world, but dress is also a concealment, a cloaking of the treasures that lie underneath. In this sense clothing is an obstacle. In the transition from clothed to naked we expose ourselves to each other in more ways than one. The partners uncover each other with a ravenous need to see more, to feel more, and to be seen in return. Passions sometimes demand that clothes be unceremoniously ripped out of the way.

For many people, however, the transition from fully clothed to completely naked is much more exciting when it is slow and deliberate. Unfortunately, when a person who savors leisurely undressing is paired with someone who wants to get naked as quickly as possible, frustration is sure to follow. Limerence, of course, aches for total reciprocation. Tennov made a fascinating observation based on her research about the special role of uncertainty and doubt in the formation of romantic attachments.

The craving for reciprocation from the limerent object is the essence of the romantic desire, yet she has found that without the experience of doubt, without the risk of rejection, the limerent response may not fully crystallize. Something must happen to break a totally positive interaction. Not that totally positive reactions are without highly redeeming features in themselves; it is only that they stop the progression to full or maximum limerence.

Even in the most idyllic romantic relationships, one or both partners will have moments of doubt about whether they have climbed out too far on a limb, perhaps only to be left there, defenseless and alone. On the other side of uncertainty lies hope, an essential ingredient in the chemistry of limerence. Without it doubt turns to despair, and despair usually chokes off limerence. And so again we see the interplay, the dance, the dynamism of the erotic equation. Obviously, it is not a recipe for terrific sex. It does not predict whom you will find attractive. Nor does it tell you when, how, or which obstacles will heighten your erotic interest.

First, take note of whatever attracted you to each real-life or fantasy partner. Consider obvious factors such as body type or facial features but also notice which personality traits added to your desire. In what way was he or she similar to you—or different? If you had little or no actual knowledge of the person, what did you imagine he or she was like? What is it about that fantasy that turned you on? If you answer these questions about several different people who have triggered erotic responses in the past, perhaps you will notice recurring patterns and preferences.

Were there subtle or obvious barriers between you and the object of your desire? Do you seem to prefer one type of obstacle more than others? These questions do not demand immediate or definitive answers. They are simply guides to sharpen your observational skills, to help illuminate dimensions of the erotic that might otherwise elude you. Taking time to contemplate how the erotic equation has worked in your life will be particularly valuable as we turn our attention to especially potent obstacles that are fundamental aspects of the human drama.

You undoubtedly first encountered them as a small child. And some of them have left an indelible mark on your adult eroticism. On a warm summer afternoon in I had a peak experience of my own. It was a moment of extraordinary clarity that helped define the course of my work for the next decade.

I was soaking up the sun on a beautiful beach, feeling unusually content and carefree. The rhythm of the waves had put me in a trance. It may sound strange, but I was contemplating the elegant simplicity of the erotic equation: I was appreciating how useful the equation had already been to my clients and me in helping us make sense out of the mysteries of the erotic. Yet I was eager to know more, especially about the obstacles. Under the spell of the sun questions danced through my mind as if to tease me. Where do excitement-boosting obstacles come from?

When barriers help turn us on, do they occur randomly, or are recurring themes and patterns involved? When my clients tell me about their peak sexual experiences, why do their stories seem so similar even though the specific details vary tremendously? As I pondered I was intrigued by the ever-changing shapes of the swirling clouds overhead. Each new shape flowed out of and then returned to four smaller formations— not just once, but repeatedly.

I was spellbound by the apparent repetition even in something as amorphous as cloud formations. I had lost all sense of time, but suddenly the realization hit me that I knew the answers to my questions. It was as if the crashing waves, penetrating sun, and swirling clouds had given me access to an inner knowledge I already possessed but had not yet been able to recognize. My understanding did not take the form of words, but a series of provocative ideas began to crystallize in my mind.

The obstacles that intensify arousal are randomly occurring events that cannot be predicted. Inevitably, each person learns to associate particular kinds of obstacles with heightened excitation.

Associations that are sufficiently compelling are likely to be repeated, solidifying the connection still further. Because no two people have exactly the same life experiences, variation is the hallmark of human sexuality—just like the swirling cloud formations. Although each individual is unique, we all participate in the same realities of human existence. Underlying the events that make each life one-of-a-kind are fundamental life experiences, shared by us all, that involve overcoming obstacles.

These experiences—the universal ones—are most likely to find a place in our developing eroticism. This is why the four repeating cloud formations fascinated me so much. They represented the paradox of randomness and structure, of pattern within variation. I then scribbled this list: Longing and anticipation Violating prohibitions Searching for power Overcoming ambivalence I returned home feeling slightly dazed.

But as weeks and months passed, the four cornerstones stayed with me, leading me to a deeper appreciation of the mysterious ways of the erotic mind. A few years later when I developed the Sexual Excitement Survey, one of my top goals was to look for explicit, clear references to the four cornerstones in the descriptions of peak sexual experiences. If the cornerstones are as central to the human experience as I believed, they should be particularly obvious during moments of peak excitement.

Because they are woven into the fabric of human existence, I consider the four cornerstones the existential sources of arousal-enhancing obstacles. No two lives follow exactly the same course, yet everyone has intimate knowledge of these four essential challenges. And because each cornerstone brings with it obstacles to be overcome, they are ripe for inclusion in our erotic patterns. I am not saying that the four cornerstones are required for enjoyable sex. But they add zest so effectively to memorable encounters and fantasies that without them, eroticism as we know it could not exist.

I believe it is virtually impossible to appreciate your peak sexual experiences fully unless you understand the dynamics of the four cornerstones. During peak moments all the key components of arousal are highlighted, making it easier to see how one or more of the cornerstones actively contributes to the memorability of a turn-on. Once you know what to look for, you can readily see them at work, usually more subtly, in everyday sexual experiences.

As we discuss each cornerstone in detail, begin by noticing to what extent each one plays a part in your peak turn-ons. If you notice a cornerstone recurring in many of your peaks, it probably holds a special place in your eroticism. To help you find out, contemplate two key questions: Think back as far as your memory will take you, to the very first time you felt anything that now, in retrospect, seems even a little sexy or arousing.

What do you remember about the circumstances surrounding this earliest experience of arousal? How old were you when you first remember having any sexual fantasies or thoughts? What do you recall about them? Even fuzzy memory fragments can contain important clues about your erotic development. Notice especially if you can identify any of the four cornerstones in your oldest memories, where your erotic patterns began to form.

This capacity develops shortly after birth and stays with you for the rest of your life. As a child you undoubtedly remember yearning for Mom when she went away or counting the moments until Dad came home. Or perhaps you created an imaginary playmate, someone you could always count on, who would never disappoint or hurt you. When you yearn for someone, the reality of his or her absence or unavailability is the obstacle you seek to overcome by remembering or fantasizing. According to psychoanalytic theory, the earliest instances of eroticized longing universally occur between the ages of three and five as a desire to possess the parent of the opposite sex.

I remain skeptical that these Oedipal urges are anywhere near as universally significant as the Freudians believe, although my research neither supports nor refutes the theory. I know I was very young when I became obsessed with getting my mother to hold me. Now I recognize that thinking about this aroused me at times. The big problem for me was the fact that Mom was a doctor and rarely at home. I was cared for by a series of nannies.

Sometimes I even fantasized that I would be taken to her office and be examined as if I were one of her patients. To this day I find myself wanting more attention from the women I date than they are willing or able to give. Most members of The Group recall their first identifiable sexual fantasies between the ages of eight and fourteen, well past the Oedipal stage.

I remember trying to get his attention when he was cutting the lawn with his shirt off. He was very sweet but mostly he ignored me. One summer day he and his family were visiting and I was jumping around in my inflatable pool. Everyone just laughed —not the reaction I was looking for. It must have been a year or two that I fantasized that he would sneak into my room late at night and carry me with his strong arms to his bed. I felt so funny when I thought of him.

Also like Debbie, most young longers imagine someone older initiating and guiding them into a new realm of experience that is as fascinating as it is confusing. Whether the object of longing is real or imaginary, I believe that longing is fantasy, for both children and adults. When you long intensely, you not only form a mental picture of the one you desire, you can actually feel what it was or might be like to be close to that person. Without the ability to fantasize, longing simply cannot occur. Longing, like all acts of imagination, is highly selective.

It focuses your mind on the most desirable qualities of a person and ignores or downplays the unappealing ones. If you actually have a relationship with the object of your longing, you look forward to opportunities to be with him or her and relish any communications you may have. The briefest of notes, a moment on the phone, a flower, a knowing glance across a room, or even a secondhand message fragment—any of these can stimulate your desire. Longing also has a natural affiliation with romantic love.

What is this preoccupation if not fantasy? Romance novels, enormously popular among women, typically use delayed or interrupted fulfillment to heighten the titillation. Lusty sex acts occur against the backdrop of uncertainty, endless trials and tribulations—all of which make it exceedingly difficult for the lovers ever to get together. When the lovers finally embrace, share a passionate kiss, or make love, their joy is usually short-lived. Soon new obstacles intervene so that yearning can continue.

Some folks, however, keep hoping for a very long time. Many people deliberately populate their favorite fantasies with characters they can never have. I have a thing for a guy who plays for the San Francisco Giants. I go to a lot of the games because just seeing him on the field or even hearing the announcer say his name makes me wet. We just make love and I feel very close to him. Some longing fantasies acquire their power from missed opportunities or might-have-been or almost- were experiences.

Sammy, a gay man now approaching forty, continues to relish an encounter that never quite happened when he was just fifteen: I invited two buddies to stay overnight. I was extremely attracted to one of them who sat next to me in class, where for months we had touched knees. First we took a swim in our pool. When we changed clothes, I saw him nude. He was dark, physically mature, with a beautiful dick.

When he got up to turn off the light he had a big hard-on. I wanted it so much I was going out of my mind. We started touching a little, but I was worried about the other guy so I held back. After he fell asleep I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. I was awake all night horny as hell. I still want him! Situations in which we actually get a taste of what we crave, but not total fulfillment, are particularly likely to stay with or even obsess us.

Longing reaches its zenith under conditions of partial or intermittent satisfaction. If expressions of interest and attraction are interspersed with signs of detachment—maybe the desired one pulls back, turns cold, or goes away for a while—the result can be a frenzy of desire. Anyone who has ever become involved with someone who already had a primary relationship knows how just an occasional crumb of interest or reciprocation acts as an aphrodisiac.

Actual moments together take on special significance. The difference is that longing must usually overcome formidable barriers. Her lover lives in another town so they see each other only occasionally. His girlfriend is involved with someone else so he waits by the phone for calls that rarely come. With anticipation, the wait is not nearly so prolonged or painful because fulfillment seems relatively near. In a state of yearning you are intensely aware of the experience of being without, whereas anticipation is almost entirely focused on the goal of being together. Far fewer—18 percent—mention longing or anticipation in their fantasies.

For many people fantasy is an opportunity to use their imaginative abilities to guarantee gratification. Yearning enthusiasts, however, often prefer to build up their arousal gradually by visualizing an extended seduction or some other circuitous path to satisfaction.

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