How to Manage Anger

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All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions. Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily.

Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control. And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they're mad. No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain — you're sure to get angry sometimes. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad.

What counts is how we handle it and ourselves when we're angry. Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop. Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel, they just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad.

But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you're feeling and thinking. Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you'll regret. Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion like anger.

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Deciding to get control of your anger — rather than letting it control you — means taking a good hard look at the ways you've been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around? For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves. Everyone can change — but only when they want to.

If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think about what you'll gain from that change. More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and frustrated? Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful.

A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes" instead of "You never do any housework.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go.

Dealing With Anger

Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse. When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy. Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it's easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem. Conflicts can be draining, so it's important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy.

If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset. Turn Conflicts into Opportunities. Know when to let something go. If you can't come to an agreement, agree to disagree.

It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on. There are many therapists, classes, and programs for people with anger management problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Therapy for anger problems. Therapy can be a great way to explore the reasons behind your anger. If you don't know why you are getting angry, it's very hard to control. Therapy provides a safe environment to learn more about your reasons and identify triggers for your anger.

It's also a safe place to practice new skills in expressing your anger. Anger management classes or groups. Anger management classes or groups allow you to see others coping with the same struggles. You will also learn tips and techniques for managing your anger and hear other people's stories. For domestic violence issues, traditional anger management is usually not recommended. There are special classes that go into the issues of and control that are at the heart of domestic violence. There is never an excuse for physically or verbally abusive behavior.

You have a right to be treated with respect and to live without fear of an angry outburst or a violent rage. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Recognizing he Signs and Getting Help. Despite what many believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser's loss of control over his temper, but a deliberate choice to control you.

Anger Management

If you are in an abusive relationship, know that couples counseling is not recommended—and your partner needs specialized treatment, not regular anger management classes. Controlling Anger Before it Controls You — An overview on the origins of excessive anger, tips on coping, and when to seek more help.

What Your Anger May Be Hiding — Explores some of the complicated reasons behind excessive anger, including a need to self soothe, feel powerful, or avoid intimacy. The Cost of Anger — Discover the physical and mental costs of anger and why you may be unwittingly setting yourself up as a victim of your anger. Dealing with the Anger Habit — New ideas on getting a handle on your anger, including a goal of addressing one trigger a week.

Anger management — Discusses what types of treatment are available for anger management, and when you should consider them. Anger and Trauma — Learn why anger is such a common response following trauma and how it should be treated when it's a symptom of PTSD. When You Love an Angry Person — Provides an overview of anger causes, tips on fighting fair, ways to approach a loved one, and when you need more help.

Get Your Angries Out. The content of this reprint is for informational purposes only and NOT a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. ORG Trusted guide to mental health Toggle navigation. Control but not crush How anger management can help you What's really behind your anger? Why is anger something you need to control but not crush? Myths and facts about anger Myth: How anger management can help you You might think that venting your anger is healthy, that the people around you are too sensitive, that your anger is justified, or that you need to show your fury to get respect.

The goal of anger management Many people think that anger management is about learning to suppress your anger. The consequences of out-of-control anger Out-of-control anger hurts your physical health. Constantly operating at high levels of stress and anger makes you more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and high blood pressure. Out-of-control anger hurts your mental health.

Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy, and clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate or enjoy life. It can also lead to stress, depression, and other mental health problems.

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