Nibbles of Nonsense Hilarious Comic Verse
Contents:
You, sir, misunderstood me, quite.
Nonsense Verse
I did not ask you if I might. So, as I cannot sing a song, Your answer, it is plain, was wrong. The fact I could not sing I knew, But wanted your opinion, too. A maiden once, of certain age, To catch a husband did engage; But, having passed the prime of life In striving to become a wife Without success, she thought it time To mend the follies of her prime. Departing from the usual course Of paint and such like for resource, With all her might this ancient maid Beneath an oak-tree knelt and prayed; Unconscious that a grave old owl Was perched above—the mousing fowl!
Then answer this my humble prayer, And oh, a husband give to me!
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And dost Thou ask me who? Why, any one, good Lord, will do. When the broth is made, Nothing can excell it: Then three times a day Let the patient smell it. If he chance to live, Give the soup the credit. Sally Salter, she was a young lady who taught, And her friend Charley Church was a preacher who praught! Though his enemies called him a screecher who scraught.
His heart when he saw her kept sinking and sunk, And his eye, meeting hers, began winking and wunk; While she in her turn fell to thinking, and thunk. He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed, For his love grew until to a mountain it grewed, And what he was longing to do then he doed.
January 28, 2008
In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke, To seek with his lips what his heart long had soke; So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke. He asked her to ride to the church, and they rode, They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode, And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode. The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole: So they to each other kept clinging, and clung; While time his swift circuit was winging, and wung; And this was the thing he was bringing, and brung:. The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught— That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught— Was the one that she now liked to scratch and she scraught.
He killed the noble Mudjokivis. Of the skin he made him mittens, Made them with the fur side inside Made them with the skin side outside. He, to get the warm side inside, Put the inside skin side outside; He, to get the cold side outside, Put the warm side fur side inside.
Why he turned them inside outside. All I want is a proper cup of coffee Made in a proper copper coffee pot. You can believe it or not, But I just want a cup of coffee In a proper coffee pot. Tin coffee pots Or iron coffee pots Are of no use to me. Amidst the mists and coldest frosts, with stoutest wrists and loudest boasts, he thrusts his fist against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better. So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said: Bobby Bippy bought a bat. Bobby Bippy bought a ball. The bottle of perfume that Willy sent was highly displeasing to Millicent.
What a to do to die today At a quarter or two to two. A terrible difficult thing to say But a harder thing still to do. The dragon will come at the beat of the drum With a rat-a-tat-tat a-tat-tat a-tat-to At a quarter or two to two today, At a quarter or two to two. Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie? Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie picking cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos? Johnson, after great consideration, came to the conclusion that the Indian nation beyond the Indian Ocean is back in education because the chief occupation is cultivation. Federal Express is now called FedEx. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Fresh fried fish, Fish fresh fried, Fried fish fresh, Fish fried fresh. Give me the gift of a grip-top sock, A clip drape shipshape tip top sock. Not your spinslick slapstick slipshod stock, But a plastic, elastic grip-top sock.
None of your fantastic slack swap slop From a slap dash flash cash haberdash shop. Not a knick knack knitlock knockneed knickerbocker sock With a mock-shot blob-mottled trick-ticker top clock. Nothing slipshod drip drop flip flop or glip glop Tip me to a tip top grip top sock. How many berries could a bare berry carry, if a bare berry could carry berries? How many cans can a cannibal nibble if a cannibal can nibble cans? As many cans as a cannibal can nibble if a cannibal can nibble cans. How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies?
A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies. How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets? How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel? How much dew does a dewdrop drop If dewdrops do drop dew? They do drop, they do As do dewdrops drop If dewdrops do drop dew. How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground. How much myrtle would a wood turtle hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle?
A wood turtle would hurdle as much myrtle as a wood turtle could hurdle if a wood turtle could hurdle myrtle.
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood. I cannot bear to see a bear Bear down upon a hare. If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker it is slick to stick a lock upon your stock or some joker who is slicker is going to trick you of your liquor if you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
I know a boy named Tate who dined with his girl at eight eight. I saw a saw in Arkansas, that would outsaw any saw I ever saw, and if you got a saw that will outsaw the saw I saw in Arkansas let me see your saw. I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop. Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits. I thought a thought. If a Hottentot taught a Hottentot tot To talk ere the tot could totter, Ought the Hottenton tot Be taught to say aught, or naught, Or what ought to be taught her?
If to hoot and to toot a Hottentot tot Be taught by her Hottentot tutor, Ought the tutor get hot If the Hottentot tot Hoot and toot at her Hottentot tutor? If one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does he doctor the doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? The Leith police dismisseth us, We both sighed sighs apiece; And the sighs that we sighed as we said goodbye Were the size of the Leith police.
Luke Luck licks lakes. Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes. Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes. Mares eat oats and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy. Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac? Mo mi mo me send me a toe, Me me mo mi get me a mole, Mo mi mo me send me a toe, Fe me mo mi get me a mole, Mister kister feet so sweet, Mister kister where will I eat!? Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. See owned a saw. Soar owned a seesaw.
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Ned Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott. Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot. If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot. But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.
As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke, They recognized a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke: Pretty Kitty Creighton had a cotton batten cat. Tu-tu was one, too. Some say Nott was not shot. Much Love, Jane xxx.
Doris sits alone in tinsel, naked as a babe in arms, Clive has snapped his lovely lady, amply showing all her charms. And all over festive Britain, buxom wives strip off their vests, And to whirr of Christmas cameras, show the world their heaving chests, After heavy Christmas dinner, peachy schnapps and kids asleep, Wives slip on their Christmas undies, split at crotch and nipples peep. Filed under bawdy verse , Christmas Humor , Christmas Humour , comic verse , Funny Christmas Poems , funny poem , humor , humorous verse , humour , whimsy.
Tagged as bawdy verse , Christmas , Christmas Gifts , Christmas Parody , comic verse , holidays , humor , humour , Max Scratchmann , misfits , porn. Filed under black humor , black humour , Christmas Humor , Christmas Humour , comic verse , Funny Christmas Poems , funny poem , humor , humorous verse , humour , whimsy. Tagged as Christmas , Christmas Parody , Christmas Shopping , comic verse , holidays , humor , humour , Max Scratchmann , misfits , nonsense.
And sure enough the aisles were full of gaudy Christmas stuff, Of turkey mince and peach wassail and raisin-free plum duff, There was Christmas pudding pizza and parsnip flavoured cake, And mulled wine Alka Seltzer, it made my poor head ache. Filed under black humor , black humour , Christmas Humor , Christmas Humour , comic verse , Funny Christmas Poems , funny poem , humor , humorous verse , humour. Tagged as asda store , Christmas , Christmas Gifts , Christmas Parody , Christmas Shopping , comic verse , funny christmas poem , holidays , humor , humour , Max Scratchmann , misfits , Xmas.
Filed under Cautionary tale , Christmas Humor , Christmas Humour , comic verse , Funny Christmas Poems , funny poem , humor , humorous verse , humour , rhyme , whimsy. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;. To the top of the porch! As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes — how they twinkled!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;.
Nibbles of Nonsense Hilarious Comic Verse - Kindle edition by John Howard Reid. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Award-winning author, John Howard Reid, has set his sights on humor in this hilariously entertaining anthology of original poetry. Not a single one of the
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk, And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. Australian Poetry We have two books of Australian poetry: As in Parts One and Two, remember that many of the poems mentioned can be accessed online through sites like: Here are some of my favourites: Bellbirds; Thomas E Spencer See below for more details.
Old Botany Bay ; Henry Lawson In fact, most Australians would be able to recite just that particular stanza: I love a sunburnt country, A land of sweeping plains, Of ragged mountain ranges, Of droughts and flooding rains. I love her far horizons, I love her jewel sea, Her beauty and her terror- The wide brown land for me! So evocative of our wide brown landscape with all its vagaries of weather and so so Australian! Yes, utterly ; Douglas Stewart Max was also a poet himself, writing The Tantanoola Tiger , which is also in this treasury; Randolph Stow Some of my favourite classics are: His poems are so humorous and celebrate the ocker from: Nonsense Verse Another specific genre of poetry and a particular love of mine with its humorous play on words and its imagination and creativity and just plain fun!
Other nonsense poems, which I love, but do not own are: Jabberwocky , whose brilliant first verse typifies this genre with its nonsensical words: Even though this is a modern book, Christopher Matthews only being born in , because his book is a send-up of AA Milne , I am including it here: Or Cutting Edge , based on Happiness: Ogden Nash had some wonderful nonsense verse. Here is our well-thumbed battered copy of one of his famous books: I love the introductory lines: Roald Dahl Roald Dahl was a favourite with my children and not only wrote brilliant books, but while researching this post, I discovered that he was also was a gifted comic poet, writing 27 poems.
Try this send up for example: Mary, Mary, quite contrary Mary, Mary, quite contrary How does your garden grow? The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer, With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St.