Making Marriage Work

---

That is not true, especially in this new and updated edition.

The chapter on "Coping with Typical Solvable Problems" is a case in point. The authors take a break between Principles 5 and 6 to include some modern distractions like the electronic additions, relations with in-laws, money matters, housework expectations, sex, and the ubiquitous nuisance: Third, this book contains many packages of helpful tips. Those who like to have ready to remember strategies will appreciate them. Some of the more notable ones are: Even if readers do not agree with all of the principles, I am convinced that at some point in the book, they would be touched.

I have read this book more than twice and are still amazed at the dynamism and wisdom of the teachings. This book remains my favourite book for marriages of all types. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied. Jane in Milwaukee Top Contributor: Seeing a marriage counselor and he said he uses this book and its tenets all the time because it's so effective, based on scientific research.

I got one each for my husband and myself. We enjoyed doing the exercises at the end of Chapter 4. I read the hopeful parts of the book, the truly practical things couples do to improve and enrich their marriages and, thus, their lives. Sadly, then I read the chapter on "why couples don't make it. I analyze and nag too much, my husband is critical and snide all the time and we've let our friendship dwindle to low ebb. We've been married for over 2 decades and it's hard to see us change enough and in enough time to avoid divorce. We're both that miserable.

The beauty of the book is that it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success and failure in marriage: So clearly explained, all problems and ALL marriages encounter problems Obviously, by definition, most Solvable Problems can be solved. And it doesn't have to be that Unsolvable Problems lead inevitably to divorce. Sometimes the problem can't be changed by either party such as one becoming ill with cancer or diabetes and the other can't abide having a spouse who is ill. But even having a "mixed marriage" such as 2 conflicting religions can be worked out if they ignore their families' and friends' condemnation and agree to adhere to either or both religions--together or separately--and doing the same for children.

Even couples who can't agree on whether or not to have children or cannot procreate themselves to the sorrow of either or both spouses can be resolved well enough to stay together and be happy. If nothing else, Unsolvable Problems can make the marriage stronger if the parties turn to each other in love and for support instead of turning away from each other in anger or sorrow.

It's all a matter if you require to get your own way on every issue or allow yourself to build up ginormous resentment by always being the one who caves in to your spouse's demands, supposedly just to keep the peace. That's not a peaceful existence. Right now, I'm not sanguine that it'll work but my husband and I will both give it the ol' college try. I'll keep you posted. Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. Read this book just when I was about to give up on my marriage.

It turns out that there have been so many things I took for granted and this book helped me realize exactly what my husband and I have been doing right, what we've been doing wrong and what else we can do to strengthen the bond. This saved me from so much marital grief and frustration. Best book on marriage I've read so far, and I've read a lot on the topic.

See a Problem?

Haven't even finished the book yet, and my marriage is already much improved. I was seriously considering divorce a month ago, and now I'm pretty confident things are going to work out.

Navigation menu

Feeling much less stressed! I've only read about half of it, and we've only done the first exercise, but I've already seen a huge difference in the way my husband and I relate to each other. The author's approach is different from everything I thought I knew about marriage counseling, but makes so much more sense. Just reading the 'myths about marriage' in the first chapter was eye-opening and worth the cost of the whole book luckily for me there is much more equally valuable info in every chapter. Frankly, I think it's also making me a better friend: To my surprise she seemed happier just to have me say "I'm sorry you're going through that, it IS scary.

It's a bit on the long side due to its many examples and descriptions, but it's worth sticking through to the end. The questionnaires peppered throughout the book are particularly useful at helping you diagnose areas which need improvement, followed by specific counsel on how to improve. The filler consists of examples and discussion of how research methods. You really only need to read those parts once. Identifying the applicable parts of the book quickly will help facilitate your revisiting the book for advice over time.

Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. This book comes from the knowledgeable position of research into married couples from an observation methodology. I liked that especially well; it's not opinion-based. Once I began reading, I could see clearly how marriages I know that have failed do trot out the "four horsemen" and how admiration and friendship radiate in marriages I admire. I applied some principles in this book and some from "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and saw an immediate positive difference in my own marriage.

The only reason I give four stars rather than five is because this book approaches all the exercises from the assumption that the couple is equally interested in the "let's work on our marriage" perspective, which would not be useful for me. This is one element I like better about the other book. However, you can still do or partially do the exercises in this book without sitting down as a couple and "agreeing" to work on the marriage, and it will still have tremendously positive results if only one person makes a decision to do these positive things.

This book is different from most other self help , counseling books. Don't misunderstand that statement- the book is very easy to read, and is not filled with a lot of dry abstract statements. The author has actually done years of research, carefully observing and recording the interactions of married couples, and so he bases his views not on what common sense would tell you , but on what actually happens when couples interact. It is not just about about lots of sad marriage stories.

He tells you first, the hallmark signs of the marriages that will split and those that will weather it, not just vague ideas, but specifically what will produce a divorce. Then he also tells you what will keep a marriage together. There are a number of exercises for a couple, to give some feedback specifically for the reader. There are a lot of them, one after each chapter, so probably you don't want to do them all. But its a great jump off point for a couple to get going on his theories. There is no ONE book that can pinpoint human behavior , especially not for two different people.

But this one shows some empirical basis for his ideas, and for that reason, it sets it apart. Marriage is as complex as it is potentially rewarding. I'd recommend this book to anyone looking to be in a romantic relationship, not just married people. John Gottman is the best author you could read. I bought this book for a Psychology of Marriage class at my university, and I will always keep this book like a bible to me; I even bought one for my sister and brother in law, who are the best couple I know, because they found it interesting as well.

My copy, which I'd bought brand new, now has several underlines and stars and dog ears, because every page is filled with wisdom. These are not just an old man's ideas about how relationships should work, he really has several years of studies under his belt.

Navigation menu

This book really tells you what works and what doesn't, and how to get your relationships on track. This book changed my life, because it helped me with not only romantic relationships, but my family and friend relationships. It has several handy little exercises throughout the book that you can do with your partner, if you wish.

It's 7 principles are so easy to understand and once you do understand, they are easy to put into practice. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way. With children as well to a point. When husbands and wives feel connected to turn to each other in happy and sad moments. This isn't a symptom of a troubled marriage- it's true in most happy marriages as well.

Solvable or not solvable: Not solvable can become a gridlock in your marriage: All of this is telling you there is a profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in it's place. Solvable is usually less painful because it is focused more on a simple issue.

Communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality. Your spouse must also feel understood and casored for first. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. Doesn't have to be cute and sweet, it can be "Hey, I can be a slob too, but I'm so angry that you walked by the full laundry basket three times tonight and didn't fold a single towel! Find the common goals.

Whatever the issue, be it housework duties to parenting, write it out. Couples are counseled to spend some time away from the baby and focus on Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making [the transition to parenthood] well together, they will find that they can't stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to The important thing here is that they are in it together.

You will learn to live with the problem.

Couples who are demanding of their marriages are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations Write about the issue from each of your positions and write the story behind it. Write about what plans you saw your life taking. Then each get to talk 15 min while the other simply listens. And do not try to solve anything. Take a relaxing break.

With each other or alone. Don't think about the issue. Then come back and make your lists again, things you can't compromise on in this issue only one or two if possible! Temporary compromise that honors and respects both sides. Try it for two months and come back. Having and atmosphere in the home where each are comfortable to talk about views. Some experts claim if we lower our overly-high expectation of each other in marriage, things will smooth out better This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.

Mar 04, Hawley rated it it was amazing. Matt's reading this for class, and though it's a secular book, he says it's really pretty fantastic. It's based on years of in-depth scientific research and doesn't just theorize potential trendy ways to re-phrase things and thereby "improve communication" in a marriage. It's not gimmicky, but it does have different exercises you can do with your spouse to help you to figure out some of the roots of things I mostly skipped those, but found the book affirming of my marriage whic Matt's reading this for class, and though it's a secular book, he says it's really pretty fantastic.

I mostly skipped those, but found the book affirming of my marriage which I had already believed to be fairly healthy, but of course every marriage takes work and can take steps to be strengthened and also comforting, encouraging. I would recommend this book to anyone who is married. Whether it be a great, healthy relationship or a marriage that is about to break - and anything in between.

I hope my friends read it! Oct 25, Karen rated it it was amazing. This book is immensely practical as a guide to what matters about how couples treat each other, and why these things matter so much. For me, it illuminated a repeated conflict in my marriage so that I finally understood what was wrong with what I'd been doing. Also, we both loved the phrase, "thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood" they're a no-no, btw and now whenever one of us seems to be sulking or nursing a grudge, the other one will ask, "Are you having thoughts of?

Gottman does boast quite a bit in this book, which is annoying. But the book has so much insight it was well worth putting up with the bragging. Jan 24, Aubrey rated it really liked it.

Lots of good and helpful insight. My favorite quote about successful couples: They h Lots of good and helpful insight. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage. Jan 16, Kate rated it really liked it Shelves: The author thinks rather highly of himself and his research, but as annoying as his attitude is, he does make some excellent points. I've been married for almost eleven years, and while I consider my marriage to be quite healthy, I definitely found this book to be helpful and informative.

Mar 02, Ayelet Waldman rated it it was amazing. This man is a genius. Jan 26, Andrea Norton rated it really liked it Shelves: Before , I would never be caught reading a self-help book, let alone one on relationships. However, I decided to make about reading things I normally wouldn't read, things out of my comfort zone, and the best sellers in those areas. I do not read marriage books for help or advice. Because of that, I have a very different way of looking at the Seven Principles than the usual reader would.

I am reading marriage books because they truly are out of my comfort zone. With nonfiction, I Before , I would never be caught reading a self-help book, let alone one on relationships. With nonfiction, I take a glance at reviews before I get into the book. Is there something a lot of people have pointed out?

Why are there one-or-five star reviews? What does the vast majority say?

Follow the Author

I don't do that with fiction; I want to be surprised. Knowing what the lower star reviews said, I settled in with The Seven Principles and popped the cap off of my highlighter. I did see a lot of reviews saying Mr. Gottman is very egotistical in the first pages of this book as he talks about himself and his research a lot.

Well, everyone has their own perspective, so I was curious to see just how bad the egoism was. I really didn't find it that bad. As I read this cover to cover I hear a lot of people don't , I can say that all of the referrals to himself and research that he's done really simmers down as the book goes on. He does refer to it, yes, but he also refers to a lot of other research in his field.

I'm not sure if Mr. Gottman is egotistical or if he is trying to drive it home that he's not just a random person who thinks he knows everything about marriage so he wrote a book about it. He is giving clarification for his stance; or that's how I took it. I have been married twice. I am now married to Sean, and he's on his first marriage. My divorce was not for irreconcilable differences; I left due to various forms of abuse.

Sean is the one person who could get me out of that life, and years later, here we are. As much as I have had two marriages, I feel I have been married in my heart one time: My two marriages are like night and day, dark and light. As I read The Seven Principles, I could not only see all of the areas that this marriage with Sean is glowing; I saw where my first marriage failed beyond abuse. While I did have some idea of other issues that would have killed it eventually, more became clear as I read on.

There are a ton of exercises in this book - I mean, a ton. They are either done by yourself or with your spouse. Because I review everything I read, Sean and I always do the exercises in any given book. We, as usual, had fun with them. There are some that you can complete right away and some that will take time. They're designed to help fix your marriage, and some questions are very deep and go right to your soul. I enjoyed the Seven Principles, and can see how, if you can get your spouse to go along with you, they will help your marriage.

While Sean and I passed with flying colors, I can see how there would be many fails if we didn't have the marriage we had. You'll find out just where you are lacking and be set on the road to fixing things as you read through this book. My disagreement is always the same thing with books like this: I really, really despise that term. I found it in here, with "all couples will have a gridlock". We don't have a gridlock. I spent all day trying to figure out if we did; to find some ongoing argument that we have.

I failed miserably because we don't have one or did I succeed? The other issue I took was with "most marital disagreements can't be resolved. I realize that is not the case with all marriages and that is totally okay. However, we have managed to resolve everything. I even sat here and asked Sean about fights that I could remember. I asked if he had anything that bothered him, went unfinished, whatever. He said no, we always solve it right away. So, yes, there are cases where they all can be resolved in a marriage.

If you're looking for help, and your spouse is on board, this is a good book to look into. There are a lot of ideas and exercises that are beneficial to you as an individual and to your marriage. Take your time and think of the advice being given; take it in the proper context; don't give up, and keep reading. I recommend reading it cover to cover, in order, as you may discover something you didn't realize in a chapter you didn't think was relevant to your marriage. This is also a good read if you're in a healthy, stable marriage.

Sean and I had a lot of fun with the exercises. I believe it's always possible to find new ways to have fun with your spouse, and what is in this book is a great way to do that. You may be reminded of something, learn a new tip or trick, or even strike up a conversation you wouldn't have thought about having in the past. The Seven Principles, while I have some disagreements, is a good book for healthy and unhealthy marriages alike.

Visit my blog for an indepth look at how Sean and I have our spats, including a story of when I got fiercely angry at him for looking at my lamp the wrong way yes, you read that right. There will be a deeper look into the common problems that couples face, with our real life story. Mar 08, Cameo Tarver rated it really liked it. This book provided me powerful insights on my relationship with my fiance.

I would love to read it again in a couple years once we have been married for sometime because I felt like there were some items that I personally couldn't relate to not having been married yet or having children yet. We did many of these exercises together and learned even more about each other. The only thing I didn't like about this book is the amount of time the author spent talking about himself. He was obviously try This book provided me powerful insights on my relationship with my fiance.

He was obviously trying to establish that he is an expert in the field but instead he went over the top on it. I ended up glancing over those parts since I found them irrelevant to what I wanted to get out of reading this book. Nov 16, Kelly Long rated it really liked it Shelves: It has good exercises to strengthen your marriage and to learn more about each other and how to best handle conflict. I wish I had read this book when it was first published many years ago. On a side note, I've been subscribed to the Gottman Institute Marriage Minute email for quite a while and I highly recommend that too.

Dec 30, Deanne rated it it was amazing Shelves: I'm not a fan of marriage books. But this kept popping up in various ways so I decided to give it a try. I liked that he pretty much defies traditional relationship therapy practices which I have always found irksome and off the mark. Finally someone articulated the vague sense of absurdity I felt about the "old style. However, if I look past his somewhat over the top pessimism, his advice for strengthening relationships was very sound.

His methodology is so practical and logical. I like the check-lists and workbook type style. Each chapter provides very concrere steps to take. Additionally, this isn't just for marriages that are in trouble.

• Lost at Starvation Lake (Starvation Lake series Book 2)
• House of Evidence
• Heaven, a World of Charity, or Love
• Morgan And The Other Side Of The Stone
• The Celtic Fake Book: C Edition