Trust Me! Learning not to let u (or me) down

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If the person in question had wanted it to be common knowledge, there would have been a good chance that there would have been more people in the conversation. Most people today are incapable of making that subtle little connection and that is why today, I trust no one. Most of us fall somewhere in-between those two ends of the spectrum. Just based on your brief comments, it sounds as though you may have a low propensity to trust others and you have high standards as to what constitutes TRUST in a relationship. Trust is also influenced by the context of the situation.

For example, I may have a high degree of trust in my auto-mechanic and will absolutely follow his recommendations when it comes to maintaining my car. I trust him in one context but not another. Trust is made up of four core elements and this blog article explains them. It may be helpful to you.

After Your Trust Has Been Broken – 5 Ways to Avoid a Victim Mentality | Leading with Trust

I am the same way. I do have trust issues because every time I trust someone they let me down. I will lower my standards and still it happens. I do try to trust people and this always happens no matter how much. The scenario above would never happen. It looks like it has been a while since anyone posted here but I cannot help sharing my insights. There are different types and levels of trust. When you first meet someone they may become an acquaintance and a default level of trust develops, if the relationship progresses and trust is earned, both ways, they become a friend.

At this stage the friendship may be ended completely if either of you betray that trust. When you get to know a friend well a close friendship can develop, at this level friends can be more honest with each other and the friendship will endure criticism, disagreement and disclosure however betrayal may still end it completely. This is where the heated truth can come out and the relationship will self-repair, even a level of betrayal can be overcome but the hurt may remain.

If the betrayal is extreme it may not only signal the end of the friendship but initiate a hatred. Given time and true remorse this may be overcome as friends we love are something special, although the friendship may not recover to a previous level. Often however the relationship will remain one of spite and never recover.

Friends come and go and different people have different standards that they expect from a friend. Some may just be happy with the company regardless of the nature of the friendship while some will maintain expectation of a high standard.

Trust is the essential ingredient for leadership success.

I for one would rather have a few good friends I know I can trust rather than have lots of friends, some of whom may take advantage of me. I find it hard to trust people because more often than not they just want something from the friendship without giving anything back. Sadly, the more you are prepared to give, the less likely you are to have many real friends. Your comment is addressing a few intertwined topics: They are separate constructs, yet interact and influence each other.

Your comments about love bring to mind the various forms of love expressed in the Greek language. And Agape love is the unconditional love given to another with no expectation of love in return. There are different kinds of trust as well. Contractual Trust is a kind of trust governed by rules and regulations.

Knowledge-based trust is a kind of trust built on frequent interactions with an individual that give you a certain level of confidence trust in how the person will behave what you describe as casual friends. An finally, Identification-based Trust is the deepest kind of trust where your values, beliefs, and intentions align with another at a deep level your most intimate friends. Fact is, I do not have friends. Never had, not even one, after I was 8 or 9yo. I had a pretty rough cascade of problems that happen in close succession that lead me to be this way: Kids have no moral brakes when it comes to being evil.

And I was and had ever been the strongest one of all. All that in a very short while. Then I probably got the victim mentality so bad that I had groups of people abusing me for some 4 more years. I got fat, completely isolated and suicidal. That took years to repair, little by little, to only a good enough shape. Never got back to the heaven I knew. I had to make a choice: I wanted to live. So I turned all the hatred inside to the outside and got quite violent and maquiavellian for a good while still am considered a bit too aggressive.

As said, I have no friends — so the people around me are only the women I get close for sexual reasons and some guys who do everything they can to hang out with me cause they admire me for whatever reasons. Good news is that I myself Am quite trustworthy, goddamn. Harsh, brutal truths, if need be. And people mostly women even say how quickly they got to trust me and how trustworthy I really am.

But I wish I could have friends — that it could make any sense to me to want to have friends. But having friends seems a retarded idea. I cannot believe people do it. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and transparent. I truly believe we are all better together than we are individually. I had a pretty weird time in school always feeling like I was the odd or outcast kid. Never liked sports and just felt and knew I was different..

Awkward with making new friends in case they would find out I was gay and not except me for who I was. But I managed to finish my hsc with average marks. I was free after my hsc. I was our clubbing meeting ppl I could relate to. But then camevthecreal gard part. Meeting a guy I thought was my knight in shining armour. We had our ups n downs. But he was too much of a player and definitely insecure himself. Although when I think back he gave me the biggest highs and lows. Getting my initials tattooed on him was the first omg morning meant.

Intense jeoulsy and possessiveness eventually ruined the relationship. But I learned a lot from Him. I learned how to love wholesomly and was really hurt when we spilt. Yup he wanted to hurt me back. And the story goes on.. It seems that every opportunity I give to this one articular group, they give reason to not trust.

My trust issues are deep I guess. I grew up never knowing my father, never feeling I lived up to my step fathers standards, my mother was never home. I was always with a sitter. I felt like the sitter never wanted us there. Obviously my mother was looking to pawn us off on someone, anyone. Someone broke in our home when my brother and I were home alone one night. We were 10 and There was an attempted break in prior to that.

My mother sent my brother away when he was 16 because he was getting into trouble. He ended his life just after he turned I tried to have a relationship with my step father but he quit communicating with me when my daughter ended up pregnant at the age of The shame I guess. I had a best friend once. Loved her like a sister.

She made a move on my husband. Belittling me, tearing me down. No one can imagine the strength it takes to put myself out there only to get rejected. I also wonder if not getting diagnosed with ADHD until I was 45 has kept me from building friendships. Oh, the baby my daughter had when she was young, I took legal guardianship of her to provide her insurance. I started doing my own research in an effort to better understand. I appreciate your bravery in sharing your story. I applaud your efforts at personal growth and healing.

In my humble opinion, you are exactly right, both in diagnosis and in recommendations. Not just with trust, but in all areas of our lives, learning how to grow from our life experiences rather than being held back by them is critical to our joy and happiness.

2. They project behaviors on you that are clearly not ones you are exhibiting

I find it hard when the person you are trying to trust again.. I look at it this way….. I can trust everyone….. So I know what I can trust those people for. We need to use wisdom and good judgment about who we trust and what we trust them with. That is very true but often times the damage is so great that the inability to trust has gone from a conscious to a subconscious problem. In that case it is not so simple as just deciding to trust. If it was was believe me I would be trusting again in a heartbeat. In those cases it takes therapy and time to rebuild the inner world so someone regains the ability to trust.

Honestly, I think part of the problem is that there are some people who should NOT be trusted for some things. The key is to learn who you can trust for what and to set boundaries or even leave so you are not in harms way of someone who should not be trusted. The challenge is trying to figure out who you can trust.

I think a major reason some of us have sustained such damage is because we were in harms way for an extended period of time. Maybe, we were too young to do anything about it. Maybe, we were too scared or too financially dependent to leave an abusive or unfaithful partner. I find it a lot easier to trust when I know I can leave immediately if the person places me in harms way. I think we all have done things that have hurt a relationship somewhere down the road of life and that is where forgiveness comes in… Forgive and forget that is what we have a hard time doing is forgetting!

They are the architects of their own misery in the same exact way you are responsible for your own shortcomings too, Charlie. Randy- most people would be hard pressed to name 5 people they trust. This may have no bearing on their propensity to trust. Perhaps not enough folks:. Keep their promises 2. Do what they say they will do 3. Put integrity before greed. Generally, I give people a chance to show me who they are. Once they violate trust it creates barriers, that are hard to overcome.

Often those barriers remain because the culprits do not consider it urgent to burden themselves to follow a plan of action to rebuild trust or mend their relationships. They do not heal nor do they heal others. Consequently, they repeat their untrustworthy ways going forward. A very good article on why it is so difficult to trust people.

I think we are also inhibited by our biases in trusting people. These biases are built by our immediate environment,the people around on whom we depend for our opinion about others. Low propensity to trust is a vital factor,as your rightly mention. Erosion of trust is now a global phenomena,and your article is timely. Sanjay — Thank you for your comments. Thank you for taking the time to add to the discussion. Reblogged this on and commented: Im not so certain that I agree with this, I mean your right in that you can not always control what happens to you; but this can mess someone up so badly that the feelings inside causes low self of worth, heart battling with mind, not knowing what thoughts to listen too, and which ones to act upon, and so much more.

You can not just decide not to be upset when something bad happens, or decide not to be angry when you are attacked — supressing your emotions in this way is a recipe for disaster. Rather than control what is in you, you could just agree with yourself to accept whatever is within you as ok. They should then be able to make the pain stop, no? They go by association — when this or that happens, it means this or that and body goes into associated response mode.

Some things become severely ingrained to the point of not being able to undo the damage. The same thing when a person has been brainwashed over a long period of time or severely traumatized — e. Making blanket statements are not helpful. Sue Augustine was doing that.

Works for some, not for all. Thanks for your comments Janette. I highly recommend it. Reblogged this on Gr8fullsoul. I like this article and believe as well that we have to be clear about our expectations. Still, there must be common values of what is a decent business behaviour. It may sound naive but I have the following rule set for myself which so far worked fine in business: Looking forward to reading from you soon.

The basic rules you listed for yourself is an example of someone understanding the importance of being intentional in their approach to building trust. Then we have the entire world, it seems, feeding us all these ideals of infidelity, broken relationships and single parenting. Just look at all the rewards our government gives a single mother vs. And in the end, thats the goal of any loving relationship. A pinnicle such as marriage. Trust is not only beaten out by the past. We live in a world where only the truly foolish trust. It saddens me that humanity is so far gone. Finding those who are emotionally healthy enough to do these things is getting harder.

Finding those who are worthy of these things is even harder. My appologies for the rant. This just hits very close to home. Dealing with past hurts and moving forward in a positive manner can be a long and painful journey. I profoundly disagree with the thrust of this article, it reads a little condescending in my opinion. These can emotional, spiritual, financial, physical — basically, every aspect of human experience can be impacted on by trusting someone and being let down.

To refuse to learn from past mistakes is just silly. What are their values and ideals, what do they aspire to? How emotionally intelligent are they? Are they very judgemental — are they judging you incorrectly?

After Your Trust Has Been Broken – 5 Ways to Avoid a Victim Mentality

Beyond basic trust — someone will stop for you at a crossing when the lights are in your favour not guaranteed everytime — you should exercise caution. Of course, all of the above and all previous posts are subjective opinion, important not to lose sight of that one — they are not facts. What is a fact, from an evolutionary perspective is that what loosely gets called paranoia these days, would have been a life saver in years gone past.

The rustle in the undergrowth — the wind, or maybe a predatory animal about to strike! This analogy works in the modern world also, I think. Thanks for you comments David. I agree with your point that a person should exercise good judgement and caution when deciding whether or not to trust another person. All the people I trusted are now dead. It sucks living a life where trusting someone is nothing more than leaving an opening for someone to betray you.

Hi Michael, thanks for your comments. It can be risky to trust someone because how the person responds is out of our control. My encouragement to you is to extend trust to those who have demonstrated trustworthiness to you.

With the whole masquerade going on, this requires time, effort and doubt. If you notice the other person is throwing himself at you, without expecting you to show your integrity, then that person is not fit. You then either love and teach, or you speak bluntly the truth exercising tough love.

3 Reasons You Find It Hard To Trust People

The latter is the most effective. Experience is a true teacher; stay true to your gut feeling. Someone has it right in this forum: Every time I need to trust someone else I get let down. I always end up relying on my self to help me. The good news is that learning to trust others is a skill you can develop. You can also try to get a sense of their character by looking at their past behavior. Do they meet deadlines? Do they keep their promises? What is their reputation with other people? I know they hide things from me, things I have a right to know, things that impact on my responsibilities.

My inability to trust others would also appear to have cost me friends over the years. I see others all engaging with one another yet few engage with me. You say that trusting others can be learned but how do you reconcile that when people are basically dishonest about most things in life that involve trust from others? Thanks for sharing your heart-felt thoughts.

A positive fact is that you are aware of your reticence to trust others. People always let me down. Life is rarely so absolute and one way to remind ourselves of that truth is to count our blessings. In the big scheme of life, most of us have many more positive things in our lives than negative. Focus forward — Victims tend to live in the past, constantly focused on the negative things that have happened to them until this becomes their daily reality.

Resilient people keep focused on moving forward. The harder path is resiliency, choosing to acknowledge the pain, process it, deal with it, learn from it, and move on toward healing and growth. Posted on May 25, by Randy Conley. Really fits well with your first point. Like Liked by 1 person. I like the equation. I was married for 34 years to a narcesstic man. I cannot change the events that have taken place and my response was always trying to leave but then going back which created the same outcome of broken trust.

A year ago I changed the response by getting a divorce which changed my outcome. Trying now to end being a victim by healing and gaining growth. I respect your courage Angelia. Five Blogs — 29 May 5blogs.

Been dealing with some broken trust issues recently that have affected me pretty deeply. This is the first article that actually makes sense and strikes a chord on how to progress forward. Best wishes as you move forward with your plan. What the article states is absolutely true as I also experienced a serious state of distrust and betrayal. I first choose to be victimized which is the easier way and found out it was very difficult for me to live my life. Everyday would go like hell for me thinking about the same instances over and over again.

Then I chose to chances my approach and started feeling much better as I started to think patient and changed my approach. It was very difficult to change my mindset as i trained my mind to be victimized but later with persistence I tried to change and once it happened I realized the true potential it had. When Family Trust is Broken -. I am currently working through having someone I love break trust, and it is not the first time. What helps me is to stop rehearsing in my mind over and over what the person did. Rehearsing it over and over is like reliving it over and over again.

I choose to be free. I do not have to be a victim. This has been very helpful thankyou. Reading articles like this is definitely helping me process my current situation. I am finding it very difficult to forgive and move forward as everytime we try to build our relationship , there is yet again another betrayal of trust. It can be hard to move forward, especially when your radar is attuned to any potential slight that may feel like another betrayal.

I encourage you to trust smartly by taking small steps. Extend your trust in stages as people prove to be trustworthy. It is my perception that he was very sneaky and underhanded about the whole thing. I feel like I need to meet with him and tell him what I think happened and what bothered me about it and listen to his response.

I fear that nothing he will say will be good enough for me to grant forgiveness. I want him to feel my pain and grasp the depths to which he hurt me. I know this probably serves no purpose. Is this victim mentality? I think it is an attempt to explain the seriousness of how this impacted you.

I do have a question if I may. I have been living the victim mentality.

I see by repeat thought patterns and a roller coaster of emotions welling up within me with every thought. I too have had repeat offenders in my life and began turning it around on myself. My question is, how do I know when it is their real offense of breaking trust, or when it is my lifetime of broken trust and the emotions, rearing its ugly head? Have I become so scared and insecure that I am seeing trust issues everywhere? I no longer trust my own judgment, which makes things difficult.

As he says it is now my insecurities, despite evidence of the broken trust. Is it just crazy making to shift the focus off of him? How do I trust…. The proof will be in the pudding, so to speak, to see if someone is trustworthy by the track record of their behavior. Reblogged this on tomiwhensu. Trust really is the foundation of all human relationships.

He told the docs I was suicidal. Has never apologized even going so far as to try and convicnce me that I was suicidal. But it was trust. This one is a classic seen regularly by relationship counselors. It goes something like this. Mary is constantly accusing Jack of contemplating new employment. Jack knows that he is not only perfectly happy where he is and not seeking employment elsewhere but he has also never made any indications that he might be. Jack is befuddled by Mary's ongoing accusations.

Guess who is looking for new employment? If someone is constantly accusing you of something which you know to patently false, chances are very good that what that person is doing is projecting his or her own untrustworthy behavior and insecurities onto you. This one should ring in your head like the bells of St. Paul's when you hear it. This one has always amazed me. We all remember as kids swearing someone to secrecy only to have them break the promise and then rationalize it by saying, "But I only told one other person.

Confidentiality, when agreed to and in the absence of any illicit or illegal activity , is a sacred bond. This one to me is a nonnegotiable. Once someone has broken a pledge of confidentiality, there is no second chance because that person has already demonstrated a desire to gain favor with others that is greater than his or respect for them. By the way, it's incredibly easy to pick this one out because inevitably these people will share things with you that you can tell were said to them in confidence by others.

You can be assured that if they did it to somebody else, they will do it to you. There is zero hope for trust where there is no respect for confidentiality. This is perhaps the one shared behavior of nearly every untrustworthy person. They are able to rationalize being untrustworthy by diminishing the impact, pain, damage, or inconvenience they cause others. This is also the most dangerous of the five behaviors, because once you lose empathy for those whom your actions affect, you have started down a slippery slope with no bottom. Even worse is the fact that people who truly lack empathy have no awareness that they do, or they're selectively empathetic when it serves their agenda.

It's simply all about them. Look for clues to this in how people generally treat those they interact with as well as their track record with others. This is the classic example of observing how someone treats those who are not in a position to give them anything of value, such as a waiter or janitor.

1. Embrace Vulnerability

When I was hiring senior and midlevel execs, this was the single-most important ability I needed to see them demonstrate. I learned quickly that people who lack empathy are among the most volatile and dangerous people of all. Remember at the outset I mentioned how trust is formed in our earliest relationships just after birth?

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