Balance and Boundaries: Be-Coming Complete Through Forgiveness and Compassion

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Empathy involves not just feelings but thoughts, and it encompasses two people—the person we are feeling for and our own self. It demands the mental dexterity to switch attunement from other to self. What turns empathy into a true high-wire act is that its beneficiaries find the attention deeply rewarding.

Overly empathic people may even lose the ability to know what they want or need. They may have a diminished ability to make decisions in their own best interest, experience physical and psychological exhaustion from deflecting their own feelings, and may lack internal resources to give their best to key people in their life. Those who regularly prioritize the feelings of others above their own needs often experience generalized anxiety or low-level depression.

They may describe a feeling of emptiness or alienation, or dwell incessantly on situations from the perspective of another. But what causes us to fall into an empathy trap—and how can we escape? Here are some ideas.

Babies come into the world prepared to be empathic. Very young infants cry in response to the distress of others, and as soon as they can control their bodies, they respond to those in need, to comfort or offer a Band-Aid. Kids vary in the degree to which they are empathic; there seems to be a genetic component and a hormonal basis to empathy.

While progesterone boosts empathy, testosterone does not. But there are no clear gender differences in empathic ability early in life. Much as the capacity for empathy is built into the nervous system, it is also learned, notably from warm and loving parents reflecting feelings back to their children. Almost all parents treasure the moment when a child spontaneously offers a favorite toy to relieve sadness. In successful adult relationships, the flow of empathy is reciprocal: Partners share power equally and move back and forth between giving and receiving.

When one partner does more of the giving, however, resentment is likely to build. Gender socialization can contribute to empathic imbalance. Many women are brought up to believe that empathy, in and of itself, is always appropriate, and it becomes their default mode of responding to others. The high regard in which empathic people are held obscures the fact that they may be neglecting their own feelings. Situations of unequal power can also create imbalance between partners in giving or receiving empathy.

Consider an extreme condition, Stockholm syndrome, in which hostages come to express loyalty and empathy toward their captors. Battered women and abused children often form similar bonds with their abusers. Sadly, in relationships marked by unequal power, those in the low-power position are more likely to defer to the needs of those in the high-power position. Doing so helps them hold on to the attachment—at the cost of becoming the architects of their own disenfranchisement.

The Importance of Boundaries in Romantic Relationships

How do you know if you are at risk of being trapped by empathy? A yes answer to any of the following questions should raise a red flag.

Reining in overempathy requires emotional intelligence; its underlying skill is self-awareness. You need always to be prepared to explore and meet your own needs. Whenever your empathy is aroused, regard it as a signal to turn a spotlight on your own feelings.

Pause taking a deep breath helps to check in with yourself: What am I feeling right now? What do I need now? Once you know what you need, you can make a conscious decision about how much to give to another and how much to request for yourself. Of course, it helps to nurture relationships with people who are mindful of the needs of others. Taking action on your needs calls on the skill of self-management.

To help manage the mixed feelings that a surge of empathy may create, you can change the way you communicate. Suppose your partner comes home irritated with his boss. You feel too depleted to listen to a rant or make him feel better. Clearly state that you cannot meet his expectations at the moment: I am completely wiped out myself.

Matthew Boger was that young boy and Tim Zaal, at age 17, was a member of the group who left Matthew for dead in a West Hollywood alley. Her story seems to be about the impoverishment of a soul that knew no other way to live than through terrible cruelty According to Marina Cantacuzino, founder of The Forgiveness Project — who has collected over real-life stories of forgiveness — it seems that people are able to forgive heinous crimes because ultimately they are able to muster what Stephen Cherry refers to, in Healing Agony: Samantha, at just 18, lost both parents in one fatal blow.

Thirteen years later, for the first time since the murder, Samantha visited her dying father in prison. In Letlapa Mphahlele, the man who master-minded the attack, invited Ginn to his homecoming ceremony and asked her to make a speech. Vulnerable feelings, when expressed to other people, have the potential to establish lasting bonds.

Former enemies can more easily live as neighbors and help to rebuild communities if remorse is shown, as in the case of Ngirente Philippe a Tutsi whose father was slaughtered by Uzabakiriho Teresphore a Hutu. Both men now live as neighbors in Rwanda. Philippe says of Teresphore, whom he first encountered at a gacaca community court: He brought food and banana wine. Again he started crying and repeatedly saying how sorry he was. Eventually I escorted him home. Then my wife and I embarked on the path of true reconciliation.

We wanted to do more than just forgive, but to actually live as neighbors and friends, side by side. We wanted to improve society, to respond to evil with goodness. So now his mother also comes to my home, and we share meals. Anne, a victim of sexual abuse, has forgiven the man who repeatedly abused her during her childhood. This is what Rami Elhanan, whose daughter was killed by a suicide bomber in a Jerusalem market in , means when he says: Frequently Rami gives public talks alongside his Palestinian friends, such as Bassam Aramin, whose year-old daughter, Abir, was killed by an Israeli soldier in Where does forgiveness fit into this difficult dialogue between two bereaved fathers, or two communities at war?

How can you forgive when the power imbalance is so vast and when justice is so far from being achieved? The only real way of affecting change is through heart-to-heart discussion, one person at a time. For Rami, forgiveness is not the solution, but part of a quest to understand what makes a young man so angry that he chooses to blow himself up alongside a group of year-old girls. The feeling was mutual. It was powerful and passionate and we described each other as soul mates. This was going to be the defining relationship of my life. However, just six months later Jack started to behave differently.

Sensing something was wrong, I confronted him and he confessed he had strong feelings for someone else. Our relationship quickly and painfully unravelled. I was stunned, angry, and very upset. I thought of all the special things that Jack had said to me and wondered how his feelings could just have evaporated into thin air.

I felt humiliated, betrayed, and profoundly hurt. I changed my lens and gained a new perspective. It might simply mean that my needs are greater than theirs. I found comfort there. If there was a place I could find grace, it was in the streets. Based on the above-mentioned key components, forgiveness can be difficult to bring about, and may require a series of challenging intellectual and emotional stages for those involved to go through.

To conclude our discussion of forgiveness at an individual level, the following story of the over collected and shared by The Forgiveness Project sums up the complex, untidy, and often intangible journey of forgiveness:. Forgiveness is a fresh, on-going, ever-present position of the mind, which takes on many different forms. This will be discussed under the Engaging in the Reconciliation Process heading, just below. Engaging in the Reconciliation Process. Forgiveness is often portrayed as a deeply individual process with personal healing as its prime goal.

But individual traumas are often part of a larger societal trauma, and therefore larger change can often come about from healing and forgiveness at both individual and societal levels. Mark Umbreit, founding director of the Center for Restorative Justice and Peacemaking at the University of Minnesota, explains his work in restorative justice. The film represents one of the most useful and comprehensive insights available into the practical application of forgiveness and reconciliation at a community level. The film also shows interviews with members of the Native American Somali Friendship Committee in the Phillips neighborhood of Minneapolis.

This initiative grew out of conflict arising when thousands of Somali refugees settled in the Twin Cities in the early nineties. The result was the beginning of a cross-cultural dialogue intended to promote peaceful community building. Peacemaking in this context was a process based on traditional methods of dispute resolution, which is a cornerstone of Native American culture and addresses the need to rebuild relationships between people. The first meeting between the two communities took place on Martin Luther King Day in At first, only negative feelings were aired as people were able to safely express their pain and fear; but in time and through sharing stories, food and other cultural activities, the two communities discovered they had more similarities than differences.

This peacebuilding initiative worked because both communities were able to look at each other in the eye, find respect, and build a relationship with greater understanding. Moving beyond small, local communities, forgiveness in large-scale peace-building processes that involve two or more opposing social, ethnic, or religious groups can affect the future of a country.

It did so in South Africa, where politicians and civic leaders urged large groups of people to forgive other groups with whom they had previously been locked in conflict. In addition, several public figures spoke out in favor of forgiveness, thus modeling a way forward for the communities they represented. Nelson Mandela, by publicly forgiving those who had wronged him, became a global symbol for forgiveness, compassion, and peace-building.

Albie Sachs — the anti-apartheid campaigner who lost an arm and was partially blinded in a car bomb in — has spoken about ubuntu, the spirit of reconciliation that allowed a nation not to resort to bloody recriminations post-apartheid. It became possible because millions and millions of African people, despite their hardship, or perhaps because of their hardship, had never lost the deep traditional spirit of ubuntu, a shared sense of humanity: It was a moving encounter, from which we both emerged better human beings. The key to the encounter was that our country had changed.

Ubuntu, the spirit of reconciliation, requires dealing with the causes of the conflict. But it can help overcome those causes, and be liberating to the individuals involved in a very personal way. In a similar matter, reconciliation must involve actively rebuilding relationships by creating opportunities for people to engage with each other through spaces, activities, and enterprises.

In order to build or rebuild relationships, there must be platforms on which to develop understanding between groups and communities. Enabling people to embrace tensions in the process of reconciliation and dialogue is the starting point. Dialogue can take place in many settings, such as a national dialogue or within communities across divisions of race, religion, or gender.

Dialogue can be practiced in community halls, schools, prisons, and corporate institutions. However, dialogue by itself can be a fairly shallow gesture. To be effective, it has to include:. Reconciliation often builds on grassroots initiatives, such as theatre, music, and sport, so that barriers between people can be addressed and broken down.

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Other examples might include initiatives such as workshops that promote psychological healing, perhaps offering safe spaces for narrative sharing and storytelling; or social projects that bring together individuals from diverse groups and communities. By so working to effect social change, people also learn to respect each other and to coexist peacefully. An important element of the reconciliation process is the restoration of broken relationships, which may be addressed in various ways. Utilizing the healing power of sharing stories: Stories of hope in hopeless times can change lives.

The Forgiveness Project collects and shares real stories of forgiveness in order to create opportunities for people to consider, examine, and choose forgiveness in the face of atrocity. Its work in restorative storytelling demonstrates that personal narratives can broaden perspectives and bring healing to those impacted — whether victim or perpetrator — as well as motivate others regarding future life choices.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Research has shown that storytelling is a powerful tool for which humans are hard-wired. Storytelling enables individuals and groups to form connections and collaboration at the same time as they overcome differences and defenses. The spiritual teacher Anthony Mello has said: Some other examples follow. At the Kigali Genocide Memorial in Rwanda there is the story of Nsengiyuumra, a Muslim who during the genocide is said to have saved over 30 people by protecting or hiding them in his outhouse.

I was going to die any second. I banged on the door of the yard.

It opened almost immediately. He Nsengiyumra took me by the hand and stood in his doorway and told the killer to leave. He said that the Koran says: For eight years The Forgiveness Project has run RESTORE, a group-based restorative justice RJ intervention program in England to enable prisoners to turn their lives around and give them the tools to re-enter society as active and responsible citizens. Restorative justice views crime as injury rather than law-breaking, and justice as healing rather than punishment.

This restorative justice process demonstrates how individual transformation can lead to societal change. As participants learn about different aspects of forgiveness and reconciliation, and practice them in their own lives, there is a ripple effect into communities. The overall impact of this restorative program can lead to reduced offending behavior both in prison and beyond release; it has been shown to result in fewer victims and offenders amongst participants, their families, and the communities they live in.

In these communities, naming and shaming is considered justice, and while forgiveness is imperative, it is not granted without remorse. This community-healing process of reconciliation and forgiveness addresses the roots of conflict at the local level, and restores dignity to the lives of those who suffered most directly from violence. The work helps war-affected individuals reflect on the past and move forward in ways that avert the renewal of aggressions. By grounding reconciliation in traditional practices, it also helps create healthy communities capable of building new foundations of peace.

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Hawa Koroma, Moyamba town: With Fambul Tok, we can now share our stories and have the opportunity to forgive and reconcile. Sahr Ngaoja, Lei chiefdom, Kono district: After the war, plenty of people are afraid to return to their homes for fear of revenge. Now that Fambul Tok is creating the platform for victims, witnesses, and perpetrators to mediate reconciliation for peaceful co-existence, we have no alternative but to welcome Fambul Tok.

I am sure community reconciliation will help us fight poverty. Hawah Wurie, Bunumbu, Kailahun district: Some of them amputated hands, some of them slaughtered women, some split women open to see what baby was in their stomach; but at the ceremony most of them came forward and confessed and asked for forgiveness and we have forgiven them. We have encouraged them, embraced them, we do things together. Even myself, my elder sister was killed during this war.

Those that killed her, I knew who they were, but when they confessed, I forgave them. To practice forgiveness and reconciliation in daily life comes with its own challenges, and prompts a number of reflection questions. As one example, there is a popular notion that if you do not forgive you will be depleted in some way, tied to the past, holding on to grudges, filled with negative and even violent thoughts. This sentiment is found in much literature blogs, articles, books, and motivational quotes and creates a perception that forgiveness must be the panacea for all ills, a key to serenity, and the route to enlightenment.

But it glosses over the fact that forgiveness is a slippery and complex concept, meaning many things to many people. The above assumptions not only ignore the real pain many people suffer, but shame those who chose not to forgive. Rowan Williams , warned against forgiving too easily. He told the Radio Times: I sought help through Christian literature, but it just told lovely stories about reconciliation. Trusted Christian friends offered well-meaning advice, and in one case an exorcism.

It is not hard to see how in this context, forgiveness can allow abuse to thrive. Forgiveness, as a means of relieving oneself from the burden of victimhood, is intrinsically subjective. In her book The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age , Marina Cantacuzino writes:.

In this hotly contested territory, the only thing I know for sure is that the act of forgiving is fluid and active and can change from day to day, hour to hour, depending on how you feel when you wake in the morning or what triggers you encounter during the day. Forgiveness may unfold like a mysterious discovery, or it may be a totally conscious decision, something you line yourself up for having exhausted all other options. It may have a strong degree of pardoning attached to it, or it may just be a sense that you have released something poisonous or let go of something heavy that no longer weighs you down.

In this sense, forgiveness means not allowing the pain of the past to dictate the path of the future. For those working to promote forgiveness and reconciliation, it is important to remember that forgiveness is first and foremost a choice, and not necessarily the best medicine for all people all the time.

At the same time, it is also important to remember that when introduced as an option, as a concept with limits as well as opportunities, forgiveness if chosen as a path through trauma is undoubtedly a powerful healing process that can mend broken hearts and repair broken communities. The Forgiveness Project has no religious or political associations. Stories for a vengeful age. Transforming lives through the power of personal narrative. Winston Churchill Memorial Trust.

Forgiveness is a choice. A research agenda for social and personality psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Review , 7 4 , A human being died that night: A South African woman confronts the legacy of apartheid. Boston and New York: When the geographies of crime and of healing justice matter.

Peace Research , 39, Nos. A review of the theoretical and empirical literature. Journal of Family Therapy, 20 1 , The book of forgiving. In a search of a common core: A content analysis of interventions to promote forgiveness. Theory, Research, Practice and Training, 42 2 , Forgiveness is an emotion focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: Introduction Forgiveness and reconciliation can occur in every sphere of human experience, including individual, community, national, and trans-national levels. Forgiveness is both a process and a choice, and may be both intrapersonal and interpersonal.

For some, it may result in reducing a personal hurt that makes life easier; for others, it may mean reconciling with an enemy and being able to live side by side again. If legislated or regulated in any way, forgiveness may become fraught with difficulty. As Richard Wilson, whose sister was murdered in Burundi, put it: We destroy its power as a gift by making it a duty. However, community leaders should also understand that if community members — including both authorities and civilians — adopt a forgiving attitude, that can be a very useful public health and community-building tool; multiple studies have shown that forgiveness produces better health outcomes, helps sustain good relationships, and reduces anxiety Exline et al, ; Luskin, ; Worthington and Scherer, Forgiveness may require relinquishing something that was important to you, such as giving up your moral indignation, your desire for retaliation, or your attachment to being right.

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