A HISTORY OF RECIPES BY THE MANY GRANNY TWOLEGGS (THE POTTY HISTORY OF THE TWOLEGGS FAMILY Book 1)

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His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go! The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.

A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. Do you know why they are called udders? When you are about to milk the cow, first you grab one, then you grab the udder one If you tell a cow a joke, and she finds it funny Will milk come out her nose?

Seen on a Bumper Sticker: Why were the cows mad at their farmer? He had no consideration for the feelings of udders. What do get from a cow with no back legs? What do you get from a cow with no legs? A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The following answers were given to the questions on the claim form: What warning was given by you? What warning was given by the other party?

Man comes to the Doctor and sais Doc, I there's something wrong with my hearing, sometimes I can't hear. Doc checks the ears, nothing wrong and sais, It's probably between the ears, there is nothing wrong. Man sais, don't believe it but what can you do about it Doc sais well I can cut off one ear Man that probably won't help Doc well then I take away both ears Man but then I can't see and read anymore Doc what does cutting the ears have to do with your sight Man, well my glasses will fall off.

Man drives home after having a party and does not wear his seat belts. Sees that a police car is behind him and tries to get the seat belt on whilst the police car is passing him. Car must stop and a policy man comes to the car; sit, we have noticed that you don't have your seat belts on Man; well officer, you can see that I have. Policeman; sir, we saw that before we passed you you did not wear them. Man; well if you don't believe me ask my wife here.

So the police man asks the wife. Wife sais, well sir, we've been married more than 20 years and I have learned never to argue with my husband about things he sais when he's been drinking. A great fruit cake recipie You'll need the following: Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Turn the cake tin to degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed. One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.

As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: The smaller piece is what you wanted, right? Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor 2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor 1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a 4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a SS sheet x mm. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks: When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

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Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Let her know you're interested: Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The little elementary school girl came home from school excited over the fact that in school today, she tells her mother, we learned how to make babies! The mother being apprehensive asks, 'Well, how do you make babies? Drop the Y and add -ies! After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. I meant the next baby. Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? The first guy replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.

You can't outrun a bear. I only have to outrun you. Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell.

He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. You going to a fair? Let me see your license, boy. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?

Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail! He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life!

He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass! A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.

After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?

Noah was standing at the gangplank, checking off the pairs of animals, when he saw three camels trying to get on board. One of you will have to stay behind. Two Irishmen rented a boat and went fishing in a lake. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to go into shore, the first man said to the other, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow. What if we don't get the same boat today?

Bill was in the running to win an award that evening and wanted to make sure he looked his best when he claimed his prize. He felt his luck was with him and was sure to win. He stood in front of the mirror to fix his tie but the mirror was crooked, so he reached over to straighten it out and it came crashing down on the floor. My uncle once broke a mirror and he didn't have seven years bad luck. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

I got mad and punched one of my opponents. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack? What did you do with the cash? How about your sack? An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the club pro. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early?

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.

Bill takes Sue out for the first time, and on the way home, he pulls into a dark rest area. Sue says, "My mother told me if you pull over to a dark area I should say no to everything. At one house it was clear to the pastor that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The pastor knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back: If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me. Below the pastor's message was another scripture passage. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says. I want to pay for my phone charges. The Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: The charges are , lira. A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: Looking Good A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whiskey, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing.

After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good. Hmmm, I must be better lookin' than I thought A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station.

On its sides were the letters, "UFO. Early one evening, a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale. So, I wanted to return the favor by making sure the driveway was ready for him! Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit. Perfect for wearing in the basement. Wow, I hope this never catches fire! If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. I really don't deserve this. One little fellow did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the religious scene, asked him who that was.

She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin! Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up he asked his son what happened. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons. When workmen came to demolish our old porch and build a new one, they had a number of power tools that needed to be plugged into the outlet in our house.

Each morning we'd open the door for them to slip an extension cord through the mail slot, and later in the day they would unplug it. Early one afternoon they knocked on the door to say they had to rent a piece of equipment that was available only at 7 a. Getting restless, Joel began giggling, singing and talking out loud.

Finally, his big sister decided she'd had enough of his antics. Who's going to stop me? Every once in a while I get a belt or two. Then I pick myself up off the floor after http: Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Get someone to buy you another beer. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. Feet warm and wet. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training. You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Room seems unusually dark. Confirm home address with bartender. Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

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You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. You strike a match and light your nose. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. You hear someone say, "Call a priest! You hear a duck quacking, and it's you. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. You tell everyone you have to go home You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

You yawn at the biggest bore in the room You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

You realize you're the only one under the coffee table. Pocket It's New Year's Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's New Year's Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is "killing" me.

Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket? And if you be givin' me a hard time, I'll be breaking your bloody face! Lucky Saucer A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer.

The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats. As it happened, a friend whom I have been promising to take out to lunch, asked if we could go a couple days before Thanksgiving Day. So, hopping into the car, I taped my list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: Peace on Earth 2. Goodwill to men 3. In a small Texas town there was a Nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a diner on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked skeptically at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible! She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.

As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas? Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows: Fresh garlic, lbs. Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.

Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut. As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find to an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favourite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for hours the reindeer will be perfectly done. This recipe will serve hearty alternatively inclined diners.

Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they won't fall for the vodka trick twice in two years. On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store less a walk than a lumber. I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please. I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon? I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.

His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of Then she'll pluck out all of your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin in the sink; And then comes the worst part, he was not bluffing, She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey in the entire compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department! An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. I bred a turkey that has 6 legs! A young boy after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together,climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk? I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn, I ate too much pudding and pie. I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin' I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate. But I wish I had known when to stop, For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams That my buttons are starting to pop! I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore, But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more! Author Unknown http: Why was the whole world concerned when the server dropped the platter of Turkey?

Because it meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the break up of China! Why did the pilgrim eat a candle? Because he wasn't very hungry and wanted a light snack. Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep; The leftovers beckoned The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation The thought of a snack became infatuation So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!! I crashed through the ceiling Floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special" 9.

Eight days of presents! No need to clean the chimney. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidl. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes. There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

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Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first.

A man recently saw a distraught young person weeping beside his car. The person replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they pointing to a distant convenience store would have a battery for this? Do you have an alarm, too? As The Good Samaritan took the key and manually unlocked the door, he replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell him about it. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner," said Saddam. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner.

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you. Here's your kit, go sell!

Here's your kit; go sell! You can't sell Bibles for me! It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.

Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad. Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an hour-a-day work ethic! What are the odds they'll call -- 1, to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack.

My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting number which might wake up a recruiter or two. Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system..

Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system. What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job.

And by the way, I know where you live. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and sweetly asked, "What is the score?

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig it's a Mac. When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

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To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; "Now Compaq! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Make this thing hip! He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black the white socks he really should lose.

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack! His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know! With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke. He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm", Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

- New releases of series that fans thought would never be brought over.

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros! He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte! My first day in basic training, we were lined up in a row, each of us in turn having to shout out our last names. After the guy next to me had yelled, "Florence," it was my turn. I had no sooner called out my name than the training instructor was in my face, demanding to know if I was some kind of smart aleck.

On my first day in the fire room of a Navy destroyer, it was my duty to open a particular valve. The valve control, the size of a steering wheel, seemed to be stuck. After my best efforts failed to budge it, I finally reported my difficulty to the chief. He told me to keep trying and that he would send "Tiny" to help me. Soon what appeared to be the largest sailor in the Navy loomed over me, and I grinned, thinking he'd solve my problem.

But instead of taking the wheel in hand, he merely pointed to it and said, "Open that valve right now! Then you can start reading Kindle books on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required. To get the free app, enter your mobile phone number. Would you like to tell us about a lower price? Read more Read less. Thousands of books are eligible, including current and former best sellers. Look for the Kindle MatchBook icon on print and Kindle book detail pages of qualifying books.

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