My Father Before Me: Memoirs Of An Activists Daughter

Fairyland: A Memoir of My Father

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The group was slightly mixed. A few of the readers didn't care for this book. They thought that while it starts out well, it drags and turns into a "then we did this, then we did that" kind of story. This was also a complaint with the Tim Dlugos poetry: Maybe there's something about this period I somewhat liked the book. I liked the time period, the daily details, the craziness of Steve Abbott, the story of a young girl on her own in a gay world, and the feeling of San Francisco during multiple crises Anita Bryant rears her ugly helmet-hair-sprayed head, Jim Jones and the People's Temple drink the Cool-Aid, Dan White kills Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, earthquakes threaten the city, hard drugs become prevalent, and then AIDS arrives.

Everyone agreed that the powerful final chapters are among the best in the book, largely because of Steve Abbott's writing, which is heavily quoted. Alysia is never fully comfortable with her own feelings or her gay father, regularly denying his sexuality to others. But somehow she becomes an upstanding little girl. But as he pursues low-income poetry and creative writing opportunities, he also struggles with office jobs and drugs before he eventually sobers up and studies Buddhism. Alysia, in the meantime, leads a slightly charmed life as she attends the ritzy French American Bilingual School with support from Mom's family , wanders around a pre-AIDS San Francisco, discovers New Wave music with new friends, moves to NYC with an established part-time child-sitting job with a friendly family, unhappily attends NYU, and studies in France.

Unfortunately Alysia focuses too heavily only on her father and so she largely remains a mystery. Her mother, had she lived, may also have been a story -- using drugs, having an affair with one of her mental health patients, experimenting in bisexuality, and assuming only mixed responsibility for her daughter -- but this goes unexamined. Alysia hints that she might be anorectic, but it's never explored. She seems to complain about her dad's constant outside interests, but because of his loose hands-off approach to parenting she develops internal resources and seems to turn out OK.

She quotes too heavily from her dad's journals late in the book, revealing his thoughts about himself and his daughter, but without any serious analysis. The book is enjoyable because it tells a story about a non-traditional family in a unique time and place. Alysia includes a bibliography of non-fiction books that can help illuminate the events around her life. It shines a light on a rather outrageous family and shows a little of how we got to be queer today.

Sitting here, merely minutes after finishing Fairyland, I fail to find adequate words to describe the incredibly moving experience that is Alysia Abbot's memoir. This is a story that can really be anything: Regardless of the reader may relate to the story, Alysia Abbot conquers difficult personal content with incredibly effective, beautiful, and often heartbreaking prose. Although definitely gay non-fiction, the story will be easily engaging for almost all. Abbot shares the experience of a single parent childhood just as much as detailing her loss of her father to AIDS.

Just as effectively captured are the beautiful, poignant memories of San Francisco in a time of such important cultural revolution. I confess that I bought Fairyland on whim. Drawn by it's obvious tragic ending, I am left so confusingly and surprisingly heartbroken. Alysia Abott effectively delivers such an intimate account of her life and I'm left so content in the grace that every word, every quirk, and every passage has between these covers.

Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. I'd rate this 4. Alysia Abbott was two years old when her mother was killed in a car accident. After her mother's death, Alysia and her father, Steve, moved to San Francisco, where he fully immersed himself in the gay culture of the city. A poet, writer, and activist, Steve was determined to find his place in the literary world and, most importantly, find a man to share his life with.

And while he was committed to ensuring Alysia had a good life and was cared for, as many parents can understand, sometimes his responsibilities as a father didn't necessarily dovetail with his own wants and desires. He tried to do what he thought was best even if he didn't always know what 'best' was or how to achieve it. Using her father's letters, journal entries, and other writings, combined with her own recollections, Alysia Abbott tells the story of an emotional, unshakeable bond, but one which was difficult at times to maintain.

She was forced to hide her father's sexuality from her maternal grandparents, but she chose to hide it from school friends and others, preferring to tell peers that her father was so consumed by grief over her mother's death that he couldn't handle another relationship. More than anything, Alysia resented having to share her father with his literary pursuits and his search for a romantic relationship, and Steve resented Alysia's lack of respect for his needs and her treatment of his potential boyfriends. At times, the burden of fatherhood overwhelmed him.

She never dealt with the idea that one day her father would grow so ill that he'd need her to care for him, that one day he'd die. As Fairyland chronicled the decline of Steve's health and his growing dependency on Alysia, it was truly accurate in the range of emotions that family members go through when their loved one is dying. The book doesn't paint an altogether rosy picture of Alysia and Steve's life together.

It's clear it's taken her many years to come to terms with some of her feelings about her father. At the same time, Steve's journal entries clearly delineate his own struggles with fatherhood and how he sometimes wished he didn't have to care for his daughter himself. I found myself sympathizing with both people at different times throughout the book. I really enjoyed this. It was beautifully written and while it is emotionally moving, it isn't maudlin, which it certainly could have been. It's also evocative in its depiction of how the early days of the AIDS crisis affected the gay community in San Francisco.

I feel grateful that Alysia Abbott was willing to share her father and their life with us. Dad was the one who loved me best of all. One person found this helpful. See all reviews. Amazon Giveaway allows you to run promotional giveaways in order to create buzz, reward your audience, and attract new followers and customers.

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Learn more about Amazon Giveaway. A Memoir of My Father. Set up a giveaway. Customers who viewed this item also viewed. The Reason I Jump: Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. Preview — Fairyland by Alysia Abbott. After his wife dies in a car accident, bisexual writer and activist Steve Abbott moves with his two-year-old daughter to San Francisco. There they discover a city in the midst of revolution, bustling with gay men in search of liberation—few of whom are raising a child. He takes Alysia to raucous parties, pushes her in front of the microphone at poetry readings, and introduces her to a world of artists, thinkers, and writers.

But the pair live like nomads, moving from apartment to apartment, with a revolving cast of roommates and little structure. As a child Alysia views her father as a loving playmate who can transform the ordinary into magic, but as she gets older Alysia wants more than anything to fit in. The world, she learns, is hostile to difference. Alysia must choose whether to take on the responsibility of caring for her father or continue the independent life she has worked so hard to create. Hardcover , pages. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up.

To ask other readers questions about Fairyland , please sign up. Lists with This Book. Sep 10, Nancy rated it it was amazing Shelves: Cross-posted at Shelf Inflicted and at Outlaw Reviews Last year at this time, I was reading lots of sweet romances with holiday themes. This year I was drawn to bleak, sad stories in books, movies and TV. Alysia Abbott had a very difficult childhood. She lost her mom in a car accident when she was two years old and was raised by her father, an openly gay activist and Cross-posted at Shelf Inflicted and at Outlaw Reviews Last year at this time, I was reading lots of sweet romances with holiday themes.

She lost her mom in a car accident when she was two years old and was raised by her father, an openly gay activist and writer. In her later childhood and teen years, when acceptance is so important to young people, Alysia had a hard time fitting in. As a small child I had no problem accepting Dad, in all his beautiful queerness. But as I got older and became attuned to the world around me, I craved, more than anything, acceptance.

Not only might it open me up to possible ridicule and rejection, it was something I could not contain. Fine, I thought, if Dad was gay, he was gay! But did he have to look so gay? Though her father, Steve, had the opportunity to let Alysia be raised by relatives, he was adamant about raising his child on his own. He was very committed to his literary ventures and to the promotion of new writers, often at the expense of his own creative work.

This dedication meant that Alysia had to fend for herself a lot. As difficult as her childhood was, in some ways I envied her life with a father who was open about his life and sexuality, was proud, political, and exposed his child to poetry readings and introduced her to writers. Other children grow up being babysat by the TV and live with parents who labor at jobs that may provide decent income, but no satisfaction. I was enraged and sad all over again at the ignorance, stigmatization, and apathetic governmental policies that allowed AIDS to decimate the gay community. Steve Abbott, along with a huge number of writers, artists and other talented individuals were victims.

Just 31 at the time of his death in , he was one of the first friends the Abbotts lost. I also thought of my best friend, Mark, who died of AIDS in at the age of 36 and I remember hearing of new drugs that came along too late to help him. It is a story about the New Narrative movement in San Francisco.

It is also a glimpse of history and AIDS politics and a grim reminder that in spite of treatment advances and a change in attitudes, the AIDS crisis is far from over. Father-daughter relationships, no matter how loving, are complicated and never easy to navigate. It can be read here. As she says, there is enough material to write another book.

I hope she does.

View all 14 comments. Jun 03, Tiffany Lewis rated it it was amazing. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. I read this book over two evenings after work. The author tells the story of being raised as an only child by an openly gay parent during the s. The language we both speak consist of just a few words that the author italicized at the beginning of C. The similarities between our lives are striking. Both found ourselves immersed in gay culture from the time we were learning to walk and talk.

Both of our parents had a domestic partner early on that shaped and molded our memories. Both left to fend for ourselves for the most part at a very early age.

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We have the same memories of trying to find our way home from school; I was six, the author eight, both of us had to rely on the kindness of strangers after we found ourselves lost. Both came home to handwritten notes along with five dollars to go out into the city and find dinner. We both relied heavily on our friends and neighborhood for food, company, shelter, and basic social cues on how to make it in the world outside our own. Only the author was lucky enough to explore the city of San Francisco, whereas I was limited to an apartment complex and adjacent strip mall.

Same memories as teenagers. Same taste in music. Not only the same experience but the same emotional reaction. Hearing from the outside world about how gay was gross. Thinking gay applies to me and my family so I must be gross: Never telling anyone, not even our extended family. Keeping our secret until college. Fairyland gave me the courage to write these words. Thank you, Alysia, for sharing your story. Jun 07, Rebecca rated it really liked it Shelves: See my recent interview with Alysia at BookTrib. In her memoir, Fairyland recently named a Stonewall Honor Book in Non-Fiction for , Alysia reflects on her unorthodox upbringing, which proved to be both a curse and a lucky escape.

For better and for worse, my father was making up the rules as he went along. She attended a bilingual private school and spent a summer and then a year abroad in Paris during her time at NYU. But as Steve grew ill and Alysia had to become his primary caregiver, their roles were reversed. There was something very special about this father-daughter relationship. With her mother gone, they clung to each other even more. I got the sense that he was almost childlike in his sensitivity — he had an openness to emotion and experience that sometimes left him wounded.

With thanks to Emily Cary-Elwes at W. I was provided with a free copy of the book in exchange for my honest review. Jun 03, Jacob rated it really liked it Recommended to Jacob by: Fresh Air with Terry Gross. Those who hadn't lived through the [AIDS] epidemic would come to know almost nothing about it, as a cultural amnesia set in. The heavy warlike losses of the AIDS years were relegated to queer studies classrooms, taught as gay history and not American history. Abbott's memoirs of being raised by her gay widowed father in San Francisco in the s and 80s would have completel Those who hadn't lived through the [AIDS] epidemic would come to know almost nothing about it, as a cultural amnesia set in.

Abbott's memoirs of being raised by her gay widowed father in San Francisco in the s and 80s would have completely escaped my notice were it not for the splendid interview on Fresh Air with Terry Gross , so I'm glad I caught that. But the memoir, good as it was, wasn't enough--because while reading it I kept thinking of other books I should read. Not in the I-could-be-reading-other-books kind of way that I got while trying Pride and Prejudice or Infinite Jest earlier this year and have those two ever been mentioned in the same sentence before?

Hmm, I should read Stonewall. Mention of Harvey Milk? I should reread The Mayor of Castro Street. And hell, don't I have a bunch of other books on queer history that I keep buying because they look interesting? I should probably read them at some point So I think I'm going to do that.

View all 10 comments. Dec 24, Felice Picano rated it really liked it. Everyone wonders what children brought up by single gay parents will be like. Alysia was brought up from a very early age by her father, poet Steve Abbott, who was never well off, always struggling to be a better poet, and always struggling to make a name for himself as a writer not to mention a living. In so doing, he helped a lot of other writers, and I was lucky enough to meet him a few times and to be involved in a few of his larger group readings. He was a cool guy--well, m Everyone wonders what children brought up by single gay parents will be like.

He was a cool guy--well, most of the time. To Alysia, he was a father, and that's not always cool, or even very good. And then he had the misfortune of contracting HIV --like 92 percent of the guys I know--and then suffering and dying from its opportunistic infections. All of this Alysia had to put up with growing up. She does not shrink back from anything in this book: The book is a smart kid growing up, within an environment that is early to late Haight-Ashbury and almost always gay and so is probably unique. It's well written, an emotional roller coaster ride and well worth reading.

So who is this about to be middle aged heterosexual woman, married with kids in Massachusetts. She's my gay sister.

May 01, Ashley rated it really liked it. I won this book as part of a Goodreads Giveaway. Alysia Abbott definitely has a way with words. The picture she paints of San Francisco in the '70s an 80s is wonderfully vivid and pulls you in with the attention to detail. The story also provides a heart-wrenching, firsthand account of the AIDS epidemic.

Abbott portrays well the feeling of helplessness and grief of losing so many friends and loved ones. I went into the book knowing it would make me cry, and it definitely lived up to that expectat I won this book as part of a Goodreads Giveaway. I went into the book knowing it would make me cry, and it definitely lived up to that expectation.

I was struck too by Abbott's portrayal of herself and her father. She doesn't idealize their lives. Steve Abbott is not a perfect father, nor is Alysia the perfect daughter. Both have trouble reconciling Steve's identity both as a single father and as a gay man.

That struggle as they try to navigate and figure out how to relate to each other is the heart of the story. The love they have for each other is very clear, and Alysia's loss of her father hits hard. In short, I highly recommend this book.

Even if you're not part of the LGBT community, there is still great value in knowing the history and also in putting faces and names to that history. Jul 09, Amy rated it it was amazing Shelves: It was an amazingly candid interview and the book was the same. The setting with a single gay parent was extremely interesting, but in fact the whole book rung true in the whole relationship of parents and kids, and early death in a parent.

The fact that her dad had such an amazing set of journals and letters, where he didn't just write about things that happened, but how he felt - the good and the bad, made it an incredible glimps I read this book after listening to the author on NPR Fresh Air. The fact that her dad had such an amazing set of journals and letters, where he didn't just write about things that happened, but how he felt - the good and the bad, made it an incredible glimpse into a real family.

I can't imagine growing up with just the two of them and the incredible bond they shared - that would hold on even when it was incredibly stretched.

The most memorable line to me was when she said she wasn't ready to take care of him, her father said, "I wasn't ready to care for you when your mother died. Having teenagers it was easy to see through the glass. It was incredible to see the selfishness of a child and then the hurt that Alysia had to go through in becoming and adult and understanding it in a different way and being able to confront it and her young self in writing this book.

She is an extremely brave person to bring this forward, and search her soul and write it down and celebrate her father and their life together. I would absolutely recommend this book as a true story of the real emotional life of a family. Dec 18, Dan rated it it was amazing. Alysia Abbott's life with her father, the poet and editor Steven Abbott, in 's San Francisco is a real tearjerker. It's also a fascinating look at how a non-traditional family operates. There are plenty of moments when you're shaking your head and thinking "what a horrible father!

These people clearly loved each other very What a treat. These people clearly loved each other very much and did the best they could under very challenging circumstances.

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At the end of the book, Abbott revisits a key idea explored throughout the book. She was raised by a gay father in San Francisco, but she herself is not gay and now lives with her husband and two children in Massachusetts. Her life is in many ways the opposite of what it once was as her father might say "bougie" , and yet she feels very much a part of the queer world. I thought it was a very interesting point on the universality of the queer experience. We all feel some connection to a group of "otherness," in one way or another, and it's probably something that follows us around, informing our existence, throughout our lives, regardless of how much the circumstances of our quotidian life have changed.

If you liked this, make sure to follow me on Goodreads for more reviews! Jun 03, Matt rated it really liked it Shelves: She at last sees her Those who hadn't lived through the [AIDS] epidemic would come to know almost nothing about it, as a cultural amnesia set in. She at last sees herself among the tapestry of queer life, not because she herself is gay but because she was a witness. From being raised by a single gay father in pre-AIDS San Francisco, and then living through the horror of watching neighbors and neighborhoods and her father pass away during the epidemic, she saw it up close.

We are richer for her honoring and remembering of her father and their life together. Jun 25, Lorri Steinbacher rated it really liked it. Abbott polishes up parts of the memoir, no doubt, but she also leaves enough of the grit so that you see how complicated the relationship really was.

I found myself feeling angry at both father and daughter alternately throughout. One the one hand, Abbott's father was selfish leaving her alone at a young age, treating her as if she were an adult, indiscriminate drug-use , he still sacrificed in order to be her father. He could easily have sent Alysia off to her grandparents, where she would have ad a rather ordinary, suburban existence.

So was it selfish to keep her and love her or was it selfless, because while he didn't change much of his life to accommodate her, he did not live the completely free life he would have with out her? To have made the decision to raise her, in a time when there were no templates, no role models for a single gay father, speaks to his love for her. The personal is political we feminists like to say. What could be more political? Abbott also doesn't spare herself in the memoir. She is honest about her own selfishness and anger, her desire to walk away when her ailing father starts to make demands on her.

What child wouldn't be resentful: Hard choices to make for both Abbotts, which regrets would you prefer to have? May 20, Jess Irish rated it it was amazing Shelves: This is such an engrossing and vivid book. The story of the author's upbringing is beautifully written, sprinkled with gems of insight and the writer's poetic. It is a really compelling window into a world that no longer exists - the larger bohemian, politically engaged cultural scene, though mercifully without the trappings of the baby boomer's POV. Writing itself becomes such an interesting dynamic in the relationship of the author with her writer-father, through journals, letters, notes - and This is such an engrossing and vivid book.

Writing itself becomes such an interesting dynamic in the relationship of the author with her writer-father, through journals, letters, notes - and finally the book itself. We come to really feel her relationship with father, which is complex but so intimate and ultimately inspiring. It left me thinking a lot about how parenthood is often so sanitized, distanced Jan 10, Larry H rated it really liked it. I'd rate this 4. Alysia Abbott was two years old when her mother was killed in a car accident.

Her parents had a rather unorthodox relationship it was the early s, after all —her father was bisexual and dated men while he and her mother were together, while her mother also dated other men, including a suicidal patient she counseled as a psychologist. After her mother's death, Alysia and her father, Steve, moved to San Francisco, where he fully immersed himself in the gay culture of th I'd rate this 4.

After her mother's death, Alysia and her father, Steve, moved to San Francisco, where he fully immersed himself in the gay culture of the city. A poet, writer, and activist, Steve was determined to find his place in the literary world and, most importantly, find a man to share his life with. And while he was committed to ensuring Alysia had a good life and was cared for, as many parents can understand, sometimes his responsibilities as a father didn't necessarily dovetail with his own wants and desires. He tried to do what he thought was best even if he didn't always know what 'best' was or how to achieve it.

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Using her father's letters, journal entries, and other writings, combined with her own recollections, Alysia Abbott tells the story of an emotional, unshakeable bond, but one which was difficult at times to maintain. As she grew up, Alysia wanted a "normal" life more than anything—even in San Francisco, she knew no other children being raised by a single gay parent.

She was forced to hide her father's sexuality from her maternal grandparents, but she chose to hide it from school friends and others, preferring to tell peers that her father was so consumed by grief over her mother's death that he couldn't handle another relationship. More than anything, Alysia resented having to share her father with his literary pursuits and his search for a romantic relationship, and Steve resented Alysia's lack of respect for his needs and her treatment of his potential boyfriends.

At times, the burden of fatherhood overwhelmed him. She never dealt with the idea that one day her father would grow so ill that he'd need her to care for him, that one day he'd die. As Fairyland chronicled the decline of Steve's health and his growing dependency on Alysia, it was truly accurate in the range of emotions that family members go through when their loved one is dying. The book doesn't paint an altogether rosy picture of Alysia and Steve's life together.

Alysia is fairly honest in depicting her flaws and how they affected her relationship with her father—she was often selfish, demanding, and resentful of others who tried to become part of Steve's life. It's clear it's taken her many years to come to terms with some of her feelings about her father. At the same time, Steve's journal entries clearly delineate his own struggles with fatherhood and how he sometimes wished he didn't have to care for his daughter himself.

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