Happiness for the Practical Mind: 7 Steps to Discovering and Loving Your Authentic Self

Jared Akers

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People who are happy seem to intuitively know that their happiness is the sum of their life choices, and their lives are built on the following pillars:. If you've been looking for happiness, the good news is that your choices, thoughts and actions can influence your level of happiness. It's not as easy as flipping a switch, but you can turn up your happiness level. Here's how to get started on the path to creating a happier you. Surround yourself with happy people. Being around people who are content buoys your own mood. And by being happy yourself, you give something back to those around you.

Friends and family help you celebrate life's successes and support you in difficult times. Although it's easy to take friends and family for granted, these relationships need nurturing. Build up your emotional account with kind words and actions. Be careful and gracious with critique. Let people know that you appreciate what they do for you or even just that you're glad they're part of your life. Gratitude is more than saying thank you.

Happiness for the Practical Mind

It's a sense of wonder, appreciation and, yes, thankfulness for life. It's easy to go through life without recognizing your good fortune. Often, it takes a serious illness or other tragic event to jolt people into appreciating the good things in their lives.

Don't wait for something like that to happen to you. Make a commitment to practice gratitude. Each day identify at least one thing that enriches your life. When you find yourself thinking an ungrateful thought, try substituting a grateful one. For example, replace "My sister forgot my birthday" with "My sister has always been there for me in tough times.

Let gratitude be the last thought before you go to sleep. Let gratitude also be your first thought when you wake up in the morning.

Develop the habit of seeing the positive side of things. You needn't become overly optimistic — after all, bad things do happen. It would be silly to pretend otherwise. But you don't have to let the negatives color your whole outlook on life. Remember that what is right about you almost always trumps what is wrong. If you're not an optimistic person by nature, it may take time for you to change your pessimistic thinking.

Start by recognizing negative thoughts as you have them. Then take a step back and ask yourself these key questions:. People who strive to meet a goal or fulfill a mission — whether it's growing a garden, caring for children or finding one's spirituality — are happier than those who don't have such aspirations.

Having a goal provides a sense of purpose, bolsters self-esteem and brings people together. What your goal is doesn't matter as much as whether the process of working toward it is meaningful to you. Try to align your daily activities with the long-term meaning and purpose of your life. Research studies suggest that relationships provide the strongest meaning and purpose to your life.

So cultivate meaningful relationships. Are you engaged in something you love? If not, ask yourself these questions to discover how you can find your purpose:. Don't postpone joy waiting for a day when your life is less busy or less stressful. That day may never come.

6 Questions to Help You Find Your True Self - mindbodygreen

Instead, look for opportunities to savor the small pleasures of everyday life. Feel free to think more concretely. Do you actually agree with your parents' political or religious affiliations? Is having a career really the most important thing to you? Do thick, black glasses really make you feel "cooler? There's absolutely zero problems with not molding yourself to pre-existing norms.

Now all you have to do is unlearn and then relearn. Only this time, relearn based on your gut. Start relying on yourself. Confidence and reliance are at the heart of finding yourself. If you don't have a solid sense of self-worth , you'll listen to what others have to say all the time and to be swayed by their insistence on what is appropriate. Learn to believe in yourself and trust your own feelings. Then, you'll come up with a structure to base your new sense of self on.

Remember, be patient with yourself and confident in your abilities.

Everything will come with time. If you have been victimized in the past, confront these issues. They're not going to go away on their own. They might be coloring your approach to daily life, causing you to live up to other people's expectations instead of your own. Start trusting your own judgment and decision-making processes, mistakes and all.

We all make mistakes, but through mistakes we find ourselves growing, learning, and reaching our real selves.

Start taking responsibility for budgeting , household matters, and planning about the future. People who lack a sense of self tend to disregard the "details" of life with a carefree attitude, believing that things will all sort themselves out. But things don't always sort themselves out. Taking responsibility pulls you back from the precipice and lets you be self-reliant and self-determined, no longer carried along by the waves of fate. Prepare to begin again with a clean slate. Develop your own moral conduct and practice sticking to it. Start by overcoming bad habits.

Stop smoking , over-eating, and abusive drinking. These are examples of lapses or habits that will prevent you from functioning at your peak. They also let you "off the hook" by sidestepping the analysis of why you use these crutches instead of finding better ways to brighten your life. This step may take some major rehabilitation for some individuals but putting it into the too-hard basket won't make it go away.

Remember, you can't drive your life forward if you are always gazing through your rear-view mirror! You may find that having all your other affairs in order will help expedite the process to grabbing a firm hold on your identity. So clean your room. Resolve that fight with that friend. Getting everything else out of the way will clear up the path to "me" time.

7 Steps for Creating the Life YOU Want

We all have excuses for why we're not growing in the direction we want to be growing — it could be money, school, a job, a relationship, you name it, someone's used it. If you're a busy bee, take strides to clear your schedule so you can sit down and tackle this thing head on. If it's always priority 2, it'll never get done. Part 1 Quiz When you are analyzing negative past experiences on your timeline, the most important thing to focus on is: How those events made you feel.

What you learned from them.

Publisher's Summary

How to fix your mistakes. How to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Immerse yourself in solitude. Give yourself some time and space to get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think. Plant yourself on a park bench and look. Take a long, thoughtful road trip. Whatever you do, move away from anything that distracts you from contemplating your life and where you want it to go.

In solitude, you should feel independent and self-sufficient, not lonely, needy or afraid.

How to be happy: Tips for cultivating contentment

Every person needs time alone, whether they're extroverted or introverted , single or in a relationship, young or old. Solitude is time for rejuvenation and self-talk, for utter peace and for realizing that purposeful "loneliness" is not a bad place to be but rather, a liberating part of your overall existence. If you are a creative person , you may find that alone-time will help stoke your creativity. While it's nice to collaborate with other people sometimes, it's hard to be truly creative when you're always surrounded by other people.

Step back and tap into your creativity. Seek out a passion. When you believe in something or see beauty in something, you should do it no matter what anyone else thinks. If you have found something that is worthy of your best efforts, sacrifice, and tears, then you have found the most important pursuit of your life. Often, that pursuit can lead you to something ultimately fulfilling. The key here is to realize that it doesn't matter what it is. It could be preventing child hunger or it could be painting. There is no scale when it comes to passion.

You either feel it or you don't; none is better than any other. When you find something that zaps you out of bed in the morning, cling onto it. You'll only bloom from there. Though ultimately soul-searching can only be done by you and it's only you that determines what you need, having a mentor will be an incredible resource when you hit those unavoidable bumps in the road. Seek out someone you trust who has a definite sense of self.

How did they do it? Let them know the process you're starting to undertake. Stress that you know it's your journey, but would love to use their strength as a guide. Take a look at them as objectively as you can. What seems to ground them, making them who they are? How did they find that? How do they stay true to themselves? A support system is key to any self-improvement tactic.

Not a lot of people will understand what you're going through and will brush off your broaching the topic as a flash-in-the-pan moodiness. Use this mentor as a sounding board, too, for what you come up against. The outlet will surely come in handy. Sort out your career path. If you're meandering all over the place looking for the right "fit", chances are that you're not happy inside.

You could be using the job-changing as an excuse for not fully realizing your true potential. Find yourself by really taking an interest in what you love to do. If money weren't an issue, what would you spend your days doing? Spend some time free-associating. Think about what you like and don't like; think beyond those things to other ideas that simply pop into your mind while you're associating. Keep a record of these things.

Then, come back to the career question and look at the free associations. What type of career seems to gel most with the things that excited, moved, and really energized you from the free-association exercise? As Alain de Botton says, this exercise is about looking for "beeps of joy" amid the cacophony of must-do's, shoulds, and expectations.

If that's the case, you'll need to work out a work-life balance that lets you pursue your "true self" more outside of the workplace, even if this means more hours and less income. It is all possible, especially if it's in the pursuit of finding and sustaining your true sense of self. Part 2 Quiz Your mentor should be someone who: Has been successful in your field or craft.

Has gone on a journey of self-discovery. Has a definite sense of self. Has failed and bounced back before. Let go of the need to be loved by all. Accept that some people will think poorly of you no matter what you do. It's important to forget about what everyone else thinks because you cannot please everyone. And while you might not want to disappoint the people close to you, they should want you to be happy. As long as you continue to exist just to fulfill other people's ideas of who you should be, you'll never know who you really are.

This thought is aptly summed up by Raymond Hull: It's a threat to the relationship you've always had, and it forces them to take a cold, hard look at themselves, which they may not want to do. Give these people space and compassion; they may come around in time.

If they don't, leave them be. You don't need them to be you. Although it sounds abstract, it's not difficult. Make a conscious effort to minimize judging — others, objects, and yourself. This is for two reasons: Try to do something every day that you would've brushed off as "weird," "illogical," or just plain "uncomfortable". Getting out of your zone will not only teach you something, but it will force you to get to know you — what you're capable of, what you like, what you definitely don't like, and what you were previously missing.

Ask yourself difficult and far-reaching questions, and record your answers. Beyond your time spent in solitude, it's easy for these purposeful thoughts to slip to the back of your mind and be forgotten. If you have them written down, then every time you reflect , you can review your notes and take it a step further, instead of answering the same questions all over again.

Keep them in a notebook that's easy to access and update; it will be a source of sustenance for you, by which you can continue to measure your growth through life. Here are some to get you started: Would you regret never having asked that person out, even if it meant risking rejection?

Would you regret not spending enough time with your family when you could? Would you regret keeping your unique view of society to yourself by not sharing with friends? This question can be really difficult. Don't be afraid to choose words that are considered negative because that proves you're a real person, and not a lopsided combination of parts other people want to be known for. Sometimes the traits that you don't like become useful in emergency situations — like being bossy.

Sometimes they are valuable to the job you're meant to perform — like being nitpicky. If you do have a truly negative trait, acknowledging it openly can give you the motivation to work on redirecting that energy to something positive. Try channelling that bad habit and into a hobby. Don't wash your clothes much? Try camping — maybe you'll like it. Even something like pole dancing could be your golden ticket! Know you're lazy with certain tasks? Maybe you can lead yourself to find another task that hardly ever bores you.

It should be one you continue to ask yourself throughout your life. A healthy person continues to reinvent themselves throughout their life. By asking this question regularly, it updates your understanding of who you are and how you change. Instead of answering who you think you ought to be, keep it focused on who you actually are, because in all likelihood that's a very good answer, warts and all. Part 3 Quiz If a friend becomes jealous, afraid or otherwise responds negatively when you start to find yourself, you should: Explain to them what you're doing.

Tell them to join you on the path. Cut them out of your life. Act upon — and use — your newly discovered knowledge. Pick up those watercolors. Write a short story. Plan a trip to Mombasa. Have dinner with a family member. Whatever it is that you've decided you want to be or do, start being and doing it now. You may shake your head and come up with excuses such as "no time," "no money," "family responsibilities," etc.

Instead of using these as excuses, start planning around the hurdles in your life. You can free up time, find money , and get a break from duties if you make time how to plan and find the courage to ask for these things. Sometimes, the real you is too afraid to face the practicalities because it'd mean facing up to what you've limited yourself by. Start planning what you really want to do and investigating what needs to be done to get you to that point instead of flinging excuses at them, stopping the goals and dreams dead in their tracks.

Be ready for dead ends. Finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. That's the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive: More often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes you fall flat on your face. Be prepared to understand and accept that this is a part of the process, and commit to getting right back up and starting over. It's not going to be easy — it never has been for anybody — but if you learn to see that as a chance to prove how much you want to find yourself, then you'll find fulfillment and security in your pursuit.

When you know yourself, most people will respect you more and treat you kindly. Best of all, your light will shine on both you and others, making them and you feel even more certain about your sense of self. Mahatma Gandhi once said that "the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. Service to other people and to the community is the ultimate way to find purpose and a sense of your place in the world. When you see how hard life can be for those in greater need than you, it's often a wake-up call that puts your own worries, concerns, and issues into perspective.

It helps you to see what you do have, and the opportunities you've been able to seize through life. That can fuel a great sense of self because suddenly everything can fall into place for you and you realize what matters most. Part 4 Quiz How can volunteering and helping others help you to find yourself?

Steps to Increase Self-Esteem & Find Inner Happiness:

You may find creative satisfaction and success. You will gain perspective. You will be more honest with yourself and others. You will face up to what really scares you. Dating requires a lot of energy and focus if you are doing it right. It would be better to focus your energy on yourself first and then date once you've found yourself.

You will be more likely to meet the right person then anyway. Not Helpful 25 Helpful Forgetting about your past is not something that happens in a day -- it takes time in doing that. But before you can forget about your past and move on, you need to forgive yourself first and let go of all past experience that brought nothing good. Read books when you have nothing doing, always engage yourself in something that will make your happy but not bored. Not Helpful 24 Helpful People who care about you will like you no matter what -- their love or care for you is unconditional.

They will be there for you anytime you need someone to just listen you. Also, they will ask you how are you, and actually listen, not just say "How are you? It's hard to find such people in any quantity, so focus on quality of quantity. And when things go wrong in your life, that's when you truly find out who actually cares about you. Not Helpful 29 Helpful I feel like I'm lost and can't find the path to move forward. How do I take my first step? The reason behind this is due to the fact that you have not explored enough for what you like or don't.

Regardless of the reasoning behind if it was that one's being risk adverse or whatever it might be, 'change' needs courage and action. Though planning could be important, which seeking help from others can be helpful Open up however you might feel and think during the conversation.

Bottom-line is to take courses, interests groups, whatever appeals a little bit to you.

Try anything until you have the one thing appeals to you that might give you the energy to get up every day. Not Helpful 14 Helpful How can I find myself? I choose a wrong major for the wrong reasons and I'm so lost. Maybe its time to forget everything you have learned up til now and re-learn the things you like. This will help you get closer to yourself. Also, try new things. This may lead to discovering a new area that you like, or even a new 'major'.

But don't get stressed out, and know that its okay to change your interests, and your mind. Not Helpful 11 Helpful If finding yourself becomes really difficult, don't be afraid to ask other people for help. They can be a friend, family member, or psychologist. Not Helpful 28 Helpful Building your personality involves yourself first, then your surroundings, and later the community. Not Helpful 23 Helpful Your dream is something that you have actually envisioned yourself doing in the future; something you love to do.

Only you can tell what that is. Keep trying new things until something clicks. Pick up a new hobby, take classes at a community college, read books about things you've always had some interest in. It could be anything, history, films, video game development, outer space, etc. You'll find something you love. Not Helpful 21 Helpful

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