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Whatever is done should enhance the ability of the living, both family and community, to reaffirm life. Just as Humanistic Judaism encourages and seeks to secure life with dignity, it encourages and seeks to secure death with dignity. The extremely complex legal, ethical, and medical issues involved in the question of euthanasia — and the respective propriety of active and passive euthanasia — can be resolved if people are determined to do so. Our beliefs lead us to make a series of other decisions that arise when dealing with death, dying and bereavement.
Although halakha Jewish law does not prohibit the practice of autopsy, an attitude prevails among many Jews today that it constitutes disfiguring and dishonoring the dead and should not, therefore, be permitted. From a Humanistic perspective, this position is insupportable. Since the purpose of autopsy is to provide information that may help to save lives and improve health, there are no Humanistic grounds for prohibiting it and many reasons to endorse the practice.
By the same token, the donation of organs and other body parts for transplantation surgery is highly recommended. Any medical measure whereby the body of a deceased person may be used to save the life or improve the health of the living is to be encouraged. A Humanistic philosophy of death: Recognizes that, although death may be painful and tragic for those who survive and may be profoundly regretted, there is nothing in death to fear, any more than one fears sleeping. Fearing the pain that may precede death is a much more realistic fear than fearing the nothingness of death itself.
Respects the intelligence and feelings of mourners by acknowledging their sadness and grief, disbelief, shock, or anger as normal emotions that accompany death, rather than pretending that an incomprehensible, but wonderful, benefit has befallen the deceased. Acknowledges that there may be some relief when someone dies after a lengthy illness and that that sense of relief, which is understandable, may give rise to feelings of guilt.
Respects the life of the deceased by honoring it with a ceremony that celebrates their life. Provides memorial ceremonies that, in addition to fully celebrating the individual who has died, help the bereaved cope with their loss with the compassion, loving presence, and support of friends and family. Helps to establish the living legacy of their loved one through shared memories. Helps the bereaved understand that their loved ones live on through their memories.
Mourning Practices Coping with the death of family and friends is a necessity of the human condition for which cultures create mourning practices. Humanistic mourning practices include: Mourners may choose to remain at home for a period of time after the funeral or memorial service. The purpose of this practice is to allow mourners to be comforted by visiting friends. Memorial services may be held in the home. The recitation of the traditional Kaddish is inappropriate for Humanistic Jews, given its theistic content.
Rather, nontheistic meditations appropriate to the occasion may be used. On the anniversary of the death, a yahrzeit flame may be kindled. Unveiling or Stone Dedication: If there is a burial or cremation plot, a memorial stone may be placed on the grave. A ceremony of dedication may be held. The workplace draws our thoughts and feelings outward, thus if at all possible, should be avoided.
From the time of death until the conclusion of the funeral, the primary focus and concern is on the care of the deceased and the burial preparations. The care for the departed before burial, the eulogy, the actual burial — all are done to honor the one who has died, and not to comfort the mourners. However, once shiva begins, the focus shifts to the mourners. The mourners experience a week of intense grief, and the community is there to love and comfort and provide for their needs. This is a critical point, for if one must feel the heart-wrenching pain of grief and loss, it should be done at a time when all those around are there to help and comfort.
People are confused as to how to sit shiva and how to properly pay a shiva call. Because people do not know, and because talking about death makes people nervous and awkward, the shiva house often turns into a festive gathering filled with nervous chatter, instead of the proper house of mourning.
The laws of mourning have the purpose of focusing a person on their own spirituality. We experience an overall feeling of physical discomfort as we totally focus on the soul of the one who has departed. We de-emphasize our own physicality by not pampering our bodies, so we remember that what we are missing at this time is not the physical person who is gone, but the essence of who that person was, which of course is their soul.
Memorial Candle — A person's soul is compared to a flame, since each person brings light into the world. The wick and the flame are also compared to the body and soul, and the strong bond between them. And just as a soul always strives upward for what is good and right, so too a flame burns toward the heavens.
Thus a memorial candle is lit in the shiva house and remains burning publicly 24 hours per day throughout the entire week. When you look at the candle, remember that your loved one's soul is eternal. This thought can help bring light into the darkness in which you are now immersed. Chairs — The people sitting shiva are required to sit low as a sign of mourning.
Funeral homes often provide chairs with shortened legs for this purpose. One can also remove the cushions of a couch or chair and use that. Some have the custom of actually sitting on the floor. This is a physical symbol of the loneliness and depression that a mourner feels. Regular chairs should be placed in front of the mourner, so visitors paying a shiva call can sit close and provide emotional comfort.
Mirrors — It is proper to cover the mirrors with sheets, or fogged spray provided by the funeral home in the shiva house for the following reasons:. Shoes — A mourner should wear either stocking feet or slippers not made of leather. This symbolizes, again, the disregard for vanity and physical comfort. Immediately upon returning from the cemetery after the burial, and before entering the shiva house, the mourners and anyone else who attended the burial perform a ceremonial washing of the hands using washing stations provided by the funeral home, or buckets and a cup.
When one has come in contact with death, it is proper to pour water three times over each hand alternating hands each time in order to focus on life. Water is the source of all life, and thus we pour it over our hands as a physical act that has spiritual ramifications. The first thing the mourners do upon entering the shiva house is to sit down again, low to a "meal of condolence.
Another, deeper psychological reason lies behind this gesture, for it recognizes that mourners, having just returned from the heavy trauma of the burial, may harbor a death wish for themselves and not want to go on any more without their loved one. The meal they must eat speaks to that part of them and says, "No, you must go on.
You must affirm life and live. All other meals during the shiva should ideally be prepared or sent by others. The mourner always eats sitting low. The seven-day period of mourning begins immediately after the burial. Thus, the first day of the shiva is the day of the burial. If the funeral was on a Tuesday, the last day of shiva is the following Monday. If a Jewish holiday for example, Rosh Hashana falls during the seven days, shiva ends the afternoon just prior to the holiday.
In such a case, it is considered that you mourned for seven days, even though it was cut short. If a person passes away during a holiday, the burial and shiva are done when the holiday is complete. If one passes away on Shabbat, the burial is done the next day. When Shabbat falls during the shiva, it is counted as one of the seven days of mourning, but one does not mourn publicly. This means that the outer signs of mourning covering mirrors where others can see, sitting low, wearing mourner's garments, etc. The outer signs of mourning are suspended before the beginning of Shabbat so that a person has time to properly prepare.
On Shabbat, people sitting shiva mourn in their hearts. On Saturday night, the shiva resumes. When one pays a shiva call, the focus is on comforting the mourners in their time of greatest grief. Traditionally, one enters the shiva house quietly with a small knock so as not to startle those inside. No one should greet visitors; they simply enter on their own. Food or drinks are not laid out for the visitors, because the mourners are not hosts. They do not greet the visitors, rise for them, or see them out. One who has come to comfort a mourner should not greet the mourners. In fact, it is best to come in silently and sit down close to them.
Take your cue from the mourners. If they feel like speaking, let them indicate it to you by speaking first. Then you can talk to them, but what about? Let them lead and talk about what they want to talk about. It is best to speak about the one who has passed away, and if you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so. This is not a time to distract them from mourning. Out of nervousness, we often babble on about nonsense because we do not know what to say. Often, the best thing to say is nothing. A shiva call can sometimes be completely silent. If the mourners do not feel like talking at that time, so be it.
Your goal is not to get them to talk; it is to comfort them. Your presence alone is doing that. By sitting there silently, you are saying more than words can. I feel your pain. There are no words. Comforting a mourner does not mean distracting a mourner. Don't fill in the time talking about happy subjects or inconsequential topics like politics or business.
Remember that speaking about the loved one they lost is comforting. It's alright if they cry; they are in mourning. It is all part of the important process of coming to grips with such a loss. When Michael Dan lost his mother, he composed this notice and posted it outside their front door:. Perhaps those in a similar situation could use these words as a guide for composing their own notice. Visitors, upon reading such a message, will walk into the shiva home knowing what is proper to say and do.
Such a message will help them and, by creating the proper atmosphere in the shiva home, will also help the mourners themselves. Prayer services are held in the shiva house, not in the synagogue. One reason is to insure that for the week of shiva, the mourners do not have to leave the home where they are best able to fully experience the mourning process. They do not have to dress up to go out, or put on a public face for anyone. The services come to them. It is certainly appropriate and poignant to have services in the home itself, for the center of Jewish life is the home.
This is the place where Jewish values are passed down. This is where family celebrations take place and where joys are shared. It is also where pain and loss are shared. It is where Judaism lives. Traditional services are usually held in the morning Shacharit and in the late afternoon Mincha and evening Maariv. Between the Mincha and Maariv services, it is appropriate for someone to share some thoughts from the Torah, in memory of the departed.
It is good to pay a shiva call during these times, because a quorum of people is needed to conduct the service and for the mourners to recite Kaddish. Even if this was a visit in silence, a traditional statement of comfort is said to the mourners just before leaving the shiva house. It can be said in either Hebrew or English:. God in this line is referred to as HaMakom — "The Place.
The person who is gone is still connected to you, for you are together, contained within "The Place. You are saying that we are family. Some people are close and some are distant cousins, but the loss of even one Jew makes us all mourners. The mourner should nod or say "Amen," and you should quietly depart, making sure that the mourner does not get up to see you out.
Paying a shiva call can be awkward at first. Keep in mind that you may have to modify it for those who are unaware of our traditions. If the mourner would think it odd that you would come in and not say anything, then of course you can speak and offer your condolences. But at one shiva call I paid, to a person who is not completely observant, I came in, sat beside her, took her hand, and said nothing.
She started to cry and said, "There are no words. Nothing in Jewish tradition supports the concept of sitting shiva for three days. The actual word shiva is related to the word meaning seven. The number seven in Judaism is very significant, for it symbolizes completion in this world, as in the seven days of creation. The current trend to sit for only three days comes from the mistaken belief that it will somehow make the mourning easier "not to drag it out.
I had an adult student who was told to sit shiva for her mother for three days. I wanted to convince her otherwise but felt uncomfortable about doing so at such a time. I paid a shiva call to her, and if I hadn't known someone had died, I would have thought I had walked into a cocktail party with a lot of food, laughter, and drinks.
I finally found my student, who was directing the waitresses in the kitchen. I took her by the hand, sat her down, and talked to her about her mother and about the soul and the afterlife. I told her that she didn't have to do this — all the food, drinks and entertaining. She said, "I know, but everyone expects me to. I mentioned that really a shiva should be seven days, but she answered, "Who would want to do this for seven days? I want everyone to leave me alone. My mother is dead! Weeks later she called to tell me that even with the whole "party" atmosphere, sitting for three days was a mistake.
She said at the end of the three days, people left, her husband went back to work, and everyone expected her to resume her life. Observed in the proper way, each one of the seven days is important. These are not easy days, for sitting shiva is emotionally and physically draining. But this time is crucial both for the mourner and for the soul that has departed to the next world.
Observing shiva gives honor to the departed, and the merit of the observance is an elevation of their soul. If part of the family wants to sit for only three days, so be it. Just go to your home after their shiva ends and sit for the rest of the days in personal mourning. You don't have to make a public statement about it, as you must be careful of their feelings. The seventh and final day of shiva is observed for only a few short hours, although this counts as a whole day. After the last Shacharit service, the mourners sit low again for a short time.
Then those who have come to comfort the mourners say to them, "Arise. Like a man whose mother consoles him, so shall I console you, and you shall be consoled in Jerusalem.
When we lose a loved one, the grief can be overwhelming. We question the meaning of life and death and often struggle with our faith in God. After the initial . Read "Jewish Meditations on the Meaning of Death" by Chaim Z. Rozwaski with Rakuten Kobo. To find more information on Rowman & Littlefield titles, please.
The mourners acknowledge that the shiva is over by leaving the shiva house publicly for the first time, taking a short walk around the block with those who have come to comfort them. The house that the mourners live in for the week of shiva becomes a house of mourning. It takes on an ambience of solemnity, filled with memory, contemplation, and meditation. But it is a house where people will continue to dwell. The concrete act of physically stepping outside, walking around the block, and coming back in, says that this house and our relationship with this house will now be renewed.
The first 30 days following the burial which include the shiva are called shloshim, from the word meaning "thirty. Most restrictions that applied to mourners during the seven-day shiva period are now lifted. For the next 23 days, mourners are allowed to leave their house and begin to work again. However, they should severely limit social engagements during this time, and certainly avoid festive outings where music is played.
Mourners do not shave or cut their hair during this time. One is still mourning, but during shloshim the laws allow for a gradual reentry into everyday life. For mourners to get up from the shiva and jump back into a normal routine would not be healthy. They are still mourning, even though the intense pain has now become almost bearable. Moments of deep sadness and longing are to be expected, and having these few restrictions reminds them, and reminds the people around them, that this is a process that certainly isn't over.
After the completion of the shloshim, if mourners are mourning anyone but a parent, the official mourning now ends. That means Kaddish is no longer recited and they can resume activities without restriction. The Jewish calendar is marked by lunar time. As the moon waxes and wanes in a cycle, the 30 day period of mourning is an opportunity to emotionally come full circle. The process begins with the funeral and first days of shiva, when not even a glimmer of light is seen.
As time goes on, the light slowly comes back, fuller and fuller. The 30 days is an important central cycle of time, a time to renew and to come to grips with a new reality. Of course mourners still feel the pain of the loss, but Judaism recognizes that to a certain degree, the passage of time is able to ease and heal the pain. Being able to return to everyday life freely helps achieve this healing. The shiva was the worst period, the shloshim was very hard, and this stage is bad.
In time, it will get better. During the month period from the day of death which includes the shiva and shloshim , only one who has lost a parent is still considered a mourner after the first 30 days with the restrictions discussed below. Why this extra stage of mourning only for a parent? Psychologically and spiritually, our connection to our parents is the essential relationship that defines who we are as people. Therefore, the loss of a parent requires a longer period of adjustment.
This period of time guides us into a deep state of gratitude for all they gave and all they did. As children, we spend most of our lives in "taking mode," and our parents, being parents, are almost constantly in "giving mode. In a relationship where it is the most difficult to show gratitude, this period of time helps us focus on recognizing the good that our parents desperately tried to give in the best way that they could.
Parents also represent values and ideals. They are God's representatives to us in this world. They try to impart in their own way essential tools for living. This extended period of mourning recognizes that the loss of such a relationship has deep spiritual ramifications. After the shloshim period, life slowly begins to return to normal.
Some social engagements are allowed, but not the pursuit of entertainment and amusement, especially where music is involved. One is allowed to actively engage in business activities. After the year is complete, one is not considered a mourner. Yizkor means "remembrance" and is marked with a special service held in the synagogue on significant holidays:. We stop on these major holidays to remember, because the holidays are expressions of the Jewish nation celebrating together. We realize that we are only here as Jews because of those who came before us, who made the decision to be Jews sometimes against all odds.
The connection to generations past and loved ones gone is made at Yizkor. In some synagogues, before the private Yizkor prayers, the congregation as a whole recites Yizkor for those who perished in the Holocaust, and for the soldiers who gave their lives for the State of Israel. On the afternoon before these days, when ushering in the holiday, one should light a yartzeit candle at home in memory of the loved one. These candles burn continuously for approximately 24 hours, and are available at any supermarket or Jewish bookstore.
On the day of Yizkor, one should attend services in the morning.
Midway through the service, those who have never been mourners will be asked to leave the sanctuary, while those who have sat shiva in the past will remain. Often someone will speak briefly, and then all recite prayers in personal tribute to their loved ones. We pray that in return for our devotion and generosity, God should recognize the new source of merit for the soul whose memory is now influencing our conduct.
After the holiday is complete, be sure to give tzedakah, a charitable donation, in your loved one's memory. See a translated and transliterated text of the yizkor prayer. Each year on the Jewish anniversary of the death of a loved one, a proper commemoration should take place. If you are not sure of the Jewish date, contact a synagogue, yeshiva or funeral home and they will surely help you. Some people are careful to do the following:. It is significant to note that in Judaism we downplay birthdays, never commemorating the date of birth of one who has passed away, yet we are careful to mark the anniversary of someone's death.
The Talmud compares this to a ship. How odd that we hold a big party when the ship is about to sail, yet when it arrives at its destination, nothing is done. It really should be the other way around. Although the day of birth holds all the potential for the life that will be, the day of death is the marker of who we actually became.
Our worth is measured according to how much of our potential was realized. Did we live up to who we were to the best of our ability in the time that we had? When our loved ones die and go back to God, to their "port of call," we mourn not having them here with us, yet we remember what they were able to accomplish in this life. The yartzeit's annual commemoration is a time to feel the sadness — but also to celebrate who they were and the life they lived.
The erecting of a tombstone gives honor to the body that housed the soul. No tombstone is placed at the time of burial. Rather, it is the Jewish custom to erect the stone at a later date. Some do it right after the shiva, while others wait until sometime within the year. Recently the ceremony — called Hakamat Matzeivah raising up the stone — has been referred to as an "unveiling.
The ceremony is usually short. Psalms are recited, and people often share thoughts about the deceased. Some of the following ideas could be shared at an unveiling ceremony. The Hebrew word for stone is tzur. This word is also used to refer to God. At this time, we remind ourselves that God is our rock, our strength, and support. He is our one constant, always there to comfort us at our darkest times. A stone is also symbolic of eternity, like the cornerstone of a building, placed to last for all time.
And what is eternal about our loved ones? It is their lasting qualities that we can still rely upon. Our loved ones live on because they affected us on the deepest of levels. We erect stones and remember what they erected in their lifetimes — their deeds, their character. They will never be forgotten. A person is created B'tzelem Elokim, in the image of God.
The ceremony is usually short. Mourners do not shave or cut their hair during this time. Because people do not know, and because talking about death makes people nervous and awkward, the shiva house often turns into a festive gathering filled with nervous chatter, instead of the proper house of mourning. I never had children due this disorder. Today I play "Birds in warped time" by Somei Satoh for violin and piano.
This is not a physical image, but an image that is internal and ultimately eternal: Although a person can visit the cemetery any time after the stone is erected, there are special days for visiting the grave:. These are naturally reflective times when a person is focused on what is really important in life. Visiting the grave of a loved one opens us up and makes us realize that we need help in many aspects of life. We pray to God at these times and ask our loved one to be an advocate on our behalf.
The Jewish custom is not to bring flowers to the graves, but instead to place a simple stone on the gravestone itself. Rather than spend money on flowers — which do nothing for a loved one — it is better to give money in the person's memory to tzedakah, which helps to elevate the person's soul. We place a small stone upon the gravestone as a sign that we were there — not so the person who passed away will know, for their soul already has awareness. But so that we will know. We, who are physical, need physical acts to express the reality that we are indeed there.
The stone is the "calling card" of the visitor.
Flowers die, but the small, simple stone, a symbol of eternity, represents our eternal devotion to upholding the memory of our beloved. Our connection lives on and will never die. We give honor to the body with a proper funeral, only as recognition that the body had sanctity because it housed and served the soul. In the same way, the casket should be plain and simple, with the money allocated instead to spiritual things that will affect the person's soul.
The process of mourning is not easy, and the Jewish way provides a structure to let mourners feel their aloneness, separating them from the outside world and then gradually reinstating them back into society. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch writes in "Horeb" that when people are in a state of grief, they physically feel a vacuum within them.
This is the most painful state, because the essential drive of every person is the drive for fullness and completion. The different stages of mourning allow us to come to grips with the loss. Eventually we realize that the empty hole is not nearly as deep or as vast as we initially felt. But not because we are busy and the memories fade. With time comes objectivity. We realize that the person we are now is the result of the loved one we lost. The elements of our character, actions and values all result from this special soul and the experience of loss.
The body, being finite, does die. Yet the soul, the essence of our loved one, is eternal. The connection between us lives on. This reality begins to slowly fill the vacuum, but not completely. We can never fully grasp the eternity of the soul. There will always be that space inside. We are human beings who are limited in our capacity to truly understand the ways of God and the afterlife. Excerpted from "Remember My Soul". I'd like some tips please on how to write a memorial page for my mom who passed in July Dr yisrael ben yehudah. While it is helpful to some people to have a guide to the shiva period, this reads a bit like an "Artscroll Guide to bereavement" with unrealistic, "one size fits all" expectation for behavior.
No one should feel like they have to study and memorize a code of conduct before paying a shiva call.. The mood of a shiva home will vary greatly depending on the circumstances and the people. Day one might be different than day 7. Interaction between callers who know the family well will be different from those who are work acquaintances and want to pay respect. When there is laughter it is not always because people who feel uncomfortable with death. Inf fact, the opposite may be true. Shiva days are long for the mourners and sometimes an entire community is in mourning.
Emotions will run the gamut, and one should not judge what a "proper" house of mourning by any one moment. Sometimes it is the mourners who are laughing when recalling their loved ones. This can be an important part of the grieving process. The point is for the mourner to be comforted by the larger community, but there is not always a tidy prescription for how this may play out in real life. Shivah for each of my parents and for my sister lasted 7 days.
Shivah for my wife, who died on the Friday evening before the Monday night that was this year's Erev Pesach, lasted It wasn't suspended for the first 2 days of Pesach and then resumed. No, it was ended. My father aged 98 just passed and we had a very difficult relationship but I was able to tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me, too --words I never heard in 56 years.
He passed an hour later, after I left for the day. Since that time I believe he sent me a signal, proof to me of the mystery of God and the soul preserved in us. I have honored him and feel he is now watching over me. And I miss him dearly. Anonymous , January 4, 8: My mother has been watching over me since she passed in March She tells me she is there by leaving white feathers. Thank you so much for posting this. I am Catholic, but have a Jewish friend who lost his father over the weekend.
He told me he and his family were sitting Shiva, prior to the Jewish holiday, and I wanted to learn more about it so I could honor him and his father appropriately. Your article was thorough and helpful in every way. I live across the country from this friend, so I can't pay a Shiva call. Is it appropriate to send a sympathy card? Is there some other appropriate way I can honor my friend's father? Thank you so very much for this article I lost my beloved David, my Dovid His passing has broken my heart The rest of the world "did not exist" for those few hours.
I am working through this one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. As I told him while he was in the hospital, we will get through this together Sylvia , April 20, 8: My soul mate, best friend and loved one passed away 24 March The article on mourning and the letters from others who have pain is a great comfort, may The Almighty comfort all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. My year-old son's former teacher passed last week after long illness.
Funeral and Shiva hours were communicated by his school. We plan to attend Shiva day after funeral in early evening. We are Christians and have noted how Shiva call differs from a wake or visitation, especially to family or mourners' home. Can we leave a card or donation in lieu of flowers during Shiva visit?
Or should it be mailed? Memorial service date hasn't been made public. Thank you for earliest reply. My mother died on Feb. I thought it would be like home and wonderful Jewish tradition. I am haunted with the care she received. Chemical Restrants, stage 4 bedsore, no dignaty, no respect. I know she is at peace now but I am having a hard time. My mother just passed away on purim and although I am feeling the waves of emotion I understand that each day I must take as it comes and try not expecting too much from myself.
I feel grateful to be able to relate to others in their time of greif and also feel sad for their loss just the same. I am wondering specifically what the protocol for attending functions for the entire year are as I mourn my mothers death. The Jewish traditions although different depending on your level of belief are still not clear for me and it would be good to get more clarity if you would kindly post.
For example, taking an exercise class that has music is not allowed, specifically a yoga class with calm music for instance? I very recently lost my mother and now faced with the reality to move forward, I am grateful to Hashem, that my mother died in her sleep in the hospital without pain. As an only child, the pain is not distributed amongst siblings, but I alone sit. What helps me, although I am in pain, is that Hashem is there to listen and comfort me. I am also blessed that I have a wonderful husband, children, friends and extended support.
I have been living with a widowed jewish man who's wife passed away 6 years ago. They met on the 23 of the month so every 23rd of the month he as flowers sent to her grave. This seems a little strange to me. We are planning on getting married. What'd youn think of the monthly flowers. Chasina , June 10, 1: Although it is not a traditional act, I believe your bethrothed has this habit in order to pay respect to the relationship he had. It does not take from your relationship. Think of it as proof that he respects and values marriage as an eternal love, and that means he also will carry a love for you through eternity.
I am married to a widower, and we display a photograph of his late wife proudly in our home. She was a woman whom he loved deeply and was a part of his life before he met me. She helped him become the wonderful man he is today. Join him in honoring her memory, and never feel his love for her in any way diminishes his love for you. Anonymous , November 2, 6: Hi, My wife passed away August 12th, and I miss her very much, she was 41 and I am 43, I really understand what you are saying and that it feels strange to you, it would to me too. I dont follow a lot of what is on here, but if you accept that what happened was part of his life, he will be grateful to you and love and respect you more, its just a matter of compassion and knowing that you accept him, on the other hand, he has to understand some of the things may hurt you, but mourning the loss of your spouse and in my case the mother of my 3 little ones is natural.
If he didnt, then there would be something wrong. Thank you for your derailed information about the Jewish tradtitions surrounding mourning, and how to properly and respectfully, make a Shiva call. I have forwarded this on to my daughter who will be making such a visit to her boss whose father just died my daughter is Christian, but works for a Jewish pre-school. Also,I will never forget my daughter's previous place of employment, owner Jewish and many Jewish co-workers, providing a kind of Shiva for my daughter in honor of my mother her grandmother after her death - all her co-workers stocked the work refrigerator with food for my daughter when she returned from the out-of-state services.
My daughter and I were very touched. David O Michael , September 29, 4: For a mother, the loss of a child results in a pain that never leaves. I don't understand the lack of attention to this unnatural occurrence. We expect our children to out-live us. Dina , October 2, 6: The torah dosn't really have to command us for things that are intuitive. The loss of a child is, as you say a pain that never leaves, while the los of parent, though sad, is more within the nature of the world. Therefore, one might morn less for a child then for a parent as time passes.
The torah therefore has to let us know how to mourn and never forget those who brought you into this world as partner to Hashem. As a Catholic, Jewish traditions may seem a bit different or confusing. This guide is helpful in making sure I, and other non-Jewish people attending, are respectful during the Shiva call I will be making. Thank you for writing this.
Oh how I wish I had a Shiva and Shloshem way to find my way back. I happened to love m family-My father was in Tx. Then 4 yrs later, I moved back to Tx, My mother died but wasn't supposed to I got to see her before this happened, but I was on my way back to Tx to move to be with her. While I was on the train, my sister decided without my knowledge to take her off her machine-I was sick, mad and told my sister something I regret, then I stayed in TX, and after about 5 mos, my Sister died unexpectedly.
Oh how I wish I could find a way to break this feeling I have had for yrs! I am the only one left and have never had anyone to sit with me, to help me through this and I can't seem to get closure. I try but I feel like I let them all down because I was always the other direction. I do not understand and now all I want is to be in Israel and have a family to love. Thank you for all this-it is something I can do for others. Eric , June 20, 6: Marge, we do not control the show. Most of the time, we are physically awake, but unaware of so much. That is our initial condition.
The shock of death awakens us and that is when we can ask for help as it seems you are trying to do. Find a temple in which you feel comforted and ask for help. Otherwise, you are just making plans to run around some more. You cannot "do for others" until you can do for yourself. Ask for, and receive help, for yourself, and THEN you can ask for, and receive help, for others. Thank you for this detailed explanation of the Jewish death and mourning customs.
I'm a Christian who will be visiting a friend sitting Shiva, and I had only the vaguest concept of what that meant. I would have done everything wrong tried to talk too much, tried to distract her, etc. The Jewish way of handling death seems so much more respectful and appropriate appropriate to the emotions and suffering the mourners are going through than the Catholic wakes I was raised with Irish Catholic, and if it wasn't a young person or a tragically unexpected death, it was often a festive occasion , or even the Christian funerals I've attended. While I pray that God will give my parents many more years, I may adopt some of what I learned from your article when that horrible day comes that I lose one or the other of them especially taking the entire week to quietly think of them and remember them, and fully experience the grief, rather than trying to smoosh it down.
Thank you again for this thoughtful, detailed explanation. Thank you for this excellently written article! As a Catholic who is paying her first shiva call for my friend's mother, I wanted to ensure this visit was as respectful as possible. Thank you for the article on Shiva. I enjoyed reading it and being Jewish remember my father explaining things to me when I was young. I just find no comfort though with the fact that parents or grieving for parents is put in the front row of grief time.
Losing a child, which I have, was far harder than losing my parents. Different dynamics which makes the grief of the loss of a child much harder than the loss of a parent. My friend lost her great aunt and I came to your site to learn about the tradition of shiva. I am not Jewish and wanted to make sure I understood shiva before I go into their home. Your article is fantastic: I truly appreciated the meaning behind the traditions and your insights into the grieving process.
New year's day is my late husband's birthday. He passed away last June 7th. I've been making a lot of progress, taking courses, joining a gym, leaning on the support of my shul, feeling like I'm getting on with my life pretty well. I've also been in the process of closing out my house, preparing to move, and sorting through a lot of stuff. That's been slow going.
I'd had a tough time on my birthday in November, now it's his birthday. During Shabbat services last night, when we started doing the silent meditation I suddenly felt overwhelmed with grief and had to get up and leave the room. When I could finally manage to compose myself and come back in, it was time for the kaddish. I said my stepmom's name, but I couldn't say my husband's. I just stood there hyperventilating. I finally got it out, then I couldn't find my voice to continue. Afterwards I had to sit in the lobby of the building and cry some more.
I haven't been this distraught and emotional since he actually died. The emotions are barely under the surface and threaten to burst forth at any time. I've really been dragging my feet with the move. It's as if when I finally get rid of all his stuff and leave the house we lived in together. I've sometimes had a surrealistic feeling he might come walking in the door any time, among all the familiar surroundings. But now I think it's finally become real to me. That part of my life is over, behind me, and now I have to continue on alone. The rabbi talked with me for a bit, saying some steps forward and some back were part of the process.
Being really emotional was as well. I get alarmed at how intense it feels. I think parts of the services can really bring it out, just about anything can at ant time. Part of the sermon was thar G-d hears and answers our prayers. And somrtimes the answer is "no". We may not get what we want, but we ger what we need. Just one foot ahead uf the other, dear G-d.
My mother passed away a year and a half ago. Being with her during the last week of her life, and mourning her for the next 12 months was the most difficult and emotional experience I've ever had to endure. During that experience, I committed to writing a book which would help guide others through similar experiences. The book is called, "Goodbye Mom: I dedicate a few chapters to explain how prayer can be used as a healing tool based on Jewish sources.
I also describe the proper way to deal with a loved one who is dying. While there are many wonderful guides to Jewish mourning, I believe that learning from someone's personal experiences is the most powerful and effective way. May 12th I lost my husband and friend. I have an 11 year old son and we are doing pretty well although it troubles me he has not come to the cemetary yet. I am told my many that in time he will go. Visiting the grave has been very helpful but also very difficult as well. I appeciate this article and information as I feel our North American society mows through life without a great deal of thought or process to keep our souls filled and alive.
Consequently we breed a society with scared, empty people unprepared for an inevitable aspect of our existence. I have a created a few of my own and I think its working. I lost a friend unexpectedly. He has no family left. I know he was Jewish and I want to learn about Jewish rites. I believe I will take it upon myself to call a Rabbi tomorrow. This article helped me to understand the Jewish customs.
Beautiful, humble, simple; just like Our dear Lord. I am not Jewish but I feel inspired to honor my lost friend by contacting a Rabbi. Thank you for this article which brings so much comfort to my heart. We lost our only son 11 months ago. Our grief has been deep and long. Your article helps me very much to find ways to honor our son's memory here on earth and to wait for the joyful reuniting that will come. My father recently died on October 6th. He lived until the age of 86, dying shortly after his birthday. My sisters and I flew from Israel and NY to be with him for portions of this summer when he was hospitalized.
He survived the Shoah and thus he had no extended family members to share our grief. The shiva, a new experience for us, was incredible. There were myriads of visitors, bringing food, drinks, plasticware, literally serving us, and offers of help for everything. For that week we were able to focus completely on our father's life without the distractions of laundry, cooking, shopping, etc..
The entire process of shiva was so beautifully thought out by the rabbanim. People sent us emails, spoke to us by phone, and wrote cards consoling us. Sitting together as a family was also so beautiful. Usually we are so so busy raising our own families and working, and communication is by necessity, brief. We reconnected in a meaningful way that week, and now call each other often to ask after one another's welfare.
Planning the shloshim, the words on the headstone, and finally the yahrtzeit are all topics we are currently discussing, and we once again feel like the close knit family we were living under the same roof thirty years ago. Although it doesn't bring our father back to life, the essence of the family he created and the soul of our family dynamic has been reignited with his passing.
I doubt it would have happened without the Jewish process of Shiva. Your article captured the flavor of this important mitzvah! Palatnik, I lost my beloved father on Oct. I wish I knew what we as Jews mean when we say that nobody should mourn excessively for the deceased.
I also wonder what sentiments are commonly felt by the mourners during the different stages of avelus. I'd hate to commit an aveira by mourning excessively over my dad. I cry when I daven, for instance. We also understand the pain of death, the importance of ritual and faith. This article was beautiful. What makes you so sure that the funeral and mourning rituals that your cousin followed did not provide her with the comfort and solace that she needed at the time of her mother's passing?
You should not assume that IF she followed the traditional shiva, she would have had greater comfort, nor should you assume that your offering of Ms. Palatnik's pamphlet on the Jewish Mourning Customs would have been appreciated. The passing could very much have been a blessing to your aunt and your cousin. If you believe in God, then YOU should find comfort in knowing that your aunt's soul is now on its way back to God. It was your aunt's time to die, the circle of life is complete. Jewish mourning customs as any other religion's customs were developed to provide comfort for those left to grieve.