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Shop from Russia to see titles available to you. See if you have enough points for this item. All Terrie ever wanted was to be part of a normal family. Instead, her earliest memories are of her father abusing her. But when he died and her mother's mental illness made it impossible for her to care for her daughter, Terrie went to live with a family friend.
Things seemed perfect at first, but the biggest betrayal was yet to come. Her babysitter, a man in his thirties, knew exactly how to exploit Terrie's need for kindness. Pushed into sleeping with him from the age of ten, it wasn't long before Terrie fell pregnant and was forced to have an abortion.
Frightened into continuing the relationship with this manipulative paedophile, she fell pregnant again at thirteen. Desperately wanting to have someone to love, she decided to keep her baby, but sadly she was too young to cope on her own and, heartbroken, she gave her little girl up for adoption. Over the years she had begged social services for help but they had failed to protect her from this evil man. But eventually, at the age of sixteen, her life changed forever when she found the courage to go to the police Written with total honesty, this is the inspiring story of a remarkable young woman who not only fought for justice but who found the strength to break free from her abusive past, to marry and create a happy, loving family of her own.
Bad Things in the Night. Please Will Someone Help Me? Never Call Me Mummy Again. Nobody Will Believe You. If Only I Had Told. The Cupboard Under the Stairs. I Am Gonna Tell. The Slave Across the Street. Their battle for justice. Mummy is a Killer. Danger lies closer than you think. The heartbreaking true story of a boy desperate to be loved.
Little Girl Left Behind. A Child Called Hope: Learning to Love Amy: This is a classic example of the stereotyping dilemma. However, people are individuals; labels are intrinsically politically incorrect, and can be deeply offensive. Therefore, in attempt not to commit an offensive Type 1 error, we as a society have overcompensated by frequently committing Type 2 error: I am an second generation Asian who spent all my life before college in a predominantly Asian American town.
I can speak from personal experience that this parenting style is prevalent in Asian American households, those of immigrants to this country. I cannot speak for any other cultures, of course. Our parents were shaped by their own upbringings in what were predominantly poor, highly competitive societies; if they were wealthy back in their home country, chances are that in the 70s, 80s, 90s, they would have just stayed there.
The ones who came to the States came looking for opportunities that did not exist at home. As a result, they all developed a very stringent and competitive mentality. Competition with their peers is in their nature, because in order to get food and resources our parents had to compete intensely with their peers. Their parenting styles reflect that. They want their kids to maximize their chances at NOT being poor, and they want to compete with their peers by showing off their kids.
This all makes sense. When kids are younger, they have no emotional coping mechanism. Some kids, by finding good friends and having a good sense of community like my friends and I did, cope relatively better. That is a much harder question to answer. So how do we mitigate the negative effects of this kind of parenting?
And this is where I disagree with you, Adam, and your many comments on this article. Those who are calling for an examination of culture on here are not trying to draw patterns where none exist to comfort themselves, but rather are reacting to a lifetime of bearing witness to these patterns in their communities and in their home lives.
These people are merely pointing out this reality, which is that there is consistent evidence of a systematic flaw in the parenting styles of some cultures — ones that focus purely on discipline, disregarding any kind of healthy, open, emotional communication. I firmly believe it is a discussion that needs to be had, and should not be silenced in favor of avoiding Type 1 error. Think about stomach cancer that causes an ulcer.
Some people grow up fine, and some people like Jennifer are when the cancer begins to really rear its ugly head. The ulcer, the secondary cause the parents , is not the actual main problem. The pain and bleeding, the symptoms that the cancer exhibits Jennifer need to be dealt with properly and effectively as she has been, by the legal system. However, the underlying cancer must still be addressed, and the underlying problem here is a cultural issue.
I agree with nearly everything you wrote here, I think it is spot on. My issue is with the underlying assumption that Jennifer was abused.
To use your excellent analogy: Yes, of course, cancer is bad, but is that even what this is about? What is also shocking to me is the fact that her lawyer never made an attempt to present her to the public as mentally disturbed. Even though no person in their right mind would believe that this girl was schizophrenic per se, at least TRY to make this girl seem less guilty than she is.
This idiot was never physically abused by her parents. They never abandoned her and left her to die, nor were they crackheads that paid no attention to their kid. Sorry but if you are ANY race outside of caucasian asian, hispanics, blacks your parents left their home country and gave up their lives for your future. Furthermore, why is it that at 22 years old, this girl had never had a drink or been to a club? When you are OVER 18 years old you are an adult. She very well deserves to rot in hell for hiring hitmen to murder the people who gave her LIFE. Next sob story please.
There are MANY successful people out there who were abandoned early on, put up for adoption, raised by abusive parents, or neglected by their drug-using parents. I was in band class and we had the same group of friends. I also went on that tour in Europe and performed at the Jewish centre in Toronto as well. I also was in science class with Jennifer Pan. She also painted over someones drawing during the science fair where we had to draw all over the school.
A chemical imbalance or a hard upbringing should not discount the fact that she planned these murders way in advance and attempted to execute it to perfection. I wonder if Karen would say all this stuff about Jennifer if she wasnt arrested? Her punishment was grounded for 2 weeks when her parents found out the truth? Others are thrown out of the house.
Told to fend for themselves. Some are shipped off to distant relatives in a remote location. Middle school is when the bright kids begin to differentiate themselves from the B students. Jennifer chose the cowardly path each time she had a choice. As her web of lies grew, she kept choosing deception and despicableness over honesty and virtue.
I know of what I speak, for unlike Jennifer I stood up to my parents repeatedly, even eschewing their economic support in my sophomore university year to work my way through Cal. Despite receiving minimal punishment compared to other Asian immigrant parents, this depraved, gutless toad chose an evil path every time. You clearly have no idea how duty-bound children of Asian immigrants feel. No one forced her to make evil choices. She could have left the economic safety of her parents, and fended for herself.
Her choices over the years were cowardly, lowlife, evil. Not all parents want the best for their child. As the 9th daughter of Asian immigrant parents, I could tell you a very sad story. Suffice to say that unlike my older sisters, I refused to lie to my parents, sneak behind their backs, and other deceptive tricks. Stupid, its NOT the parents fault. Children need to be encouraged to do well and rewarded for their accomplishments, but the end never justifies the means, as they say, and children who are driven sometimes become adults who have been driven mad.
I agree that the grounding and cellphone punishment needed to be accompanied by serious psychological therapy. Are you some kind of therapist or teacher or something? If not, you probably should be because you have a real understanding of exactly what is happening with this particular issue. It can easily break you, or at the very least leave you with deep emotional scars.
True, academic success is of paramount importance, but do we really want to raise our children to have such damaged pysches and bitter memories? However, the tragedy of the Pan family sheds some needed light on the dark side of this approach.
Not all children, for a variety of reasons, are able to measure up to the demands of tiger parents. Not all children are able to earn 4. Unfortunately, too many tiger parents are unable to consider or accept that their children either cannot or do not wish to follow the paths that have been laid for them. However, far too many commit suicide. This, of course, would have been tragic as well, and her parents would be mourning the loss of their beloved daughter for the rest of their lives.
In light of the severe sentence imposed on Jennifer, it does little good to continue to pillory her. The criminal justice system has settled the question of her culpability definitively. I agree with others that the focus should be on the wisdom of the tiger parenting approach. To avoid future tragedies, I hope that more tiger parents read this and similar articles and take the time to get to know their children better, and honestly reflect on whether this approach is truly in the best interests of their beloved.
It seems her mother did everything she could to help her daughter have a life. To have her killed as well is nothing but pure evil. At 24, she could have easily left and went to live on her own. She had already demonstrated that she had the intelligence and ingenuity to survive outside her parents home. Nobody is going to take the rap for you.
She had not only hired one guy, but went ahead and hired 3 more with the help of a 4th. Way too many to keep secrets and corroborate lies. I can only imagine what the rest of Mr. The pain and sense of emptiness from a loss like this can be all encompassing and incomprehensible for those who have not experienced it. For an agonizing time, every waking hour of the day can be filled with grief, sadness, anger, betrayal, trauma, guilt and other related feelings.
It is common to replay past events over and over to try and make sense of things. Over time, the intensity of these feelings and thoughts should diminish. The past will not be replayed as frequently. In certain communities, there is a lack of awareness of the value of long term grief counseling and support. My condolences to Mr. Pan and brother for your losses.
I hope that you get the counseling and support that you both deserve. Wow, how old are you people? Furthermore, her mother was anything but hard on her. No matter Asain, or otherwise, parents love their children. That proves that had she just been honest, they would have eventually understood and dealt with it as a family. I have no doubt in my mind that these parents loved their children and therein lies the break in life that she could have seen. Many children are beaten and sexually abused. On top of it all, she had a brother who she could have confided in as he was in the same boat.
Supporting each other and giving each other the strength to be honest would have gone a long way. Of course, there is competition, but siblings experiencing the same upbringing have a common bond. Jennifer had shown all the tendencies of being Westernized, as did her parents. No, this family was far from the constrictive culture they left behind by the time Jennifer was in high school.
It was greed that drove her. She had been in Canada long enough to break tradition. Jennifer is cold, calculating, devious and narcissistic not far off a sociopath. Killing her mother blows the whole sympathy card. As the child of Asian immigrant parents, I was expected of many similar things that Jennifer was: Although I was capable of achieving these expectations, the pressure of these high expectations ironically hindered me from excelling.
I recall locking myself in my room and my father breaking down the door to get inside just to continue screaming at me. Everyone has their own way of dealing with such circumstances. Children may be inexperienced and immature, but they are not intellectually inferior. In the face of imminent emotional duress, some may hide or run away as I did , some may destroy evidence of their shortcomings and falsify their results as Jennifer did. Luckily for me, this make or break point happened to me early on in my academic career, and my parents gradually began to loosen this chokehold that had been inhibiting my success.
As such, I began to have more freedom to think and work for myself, rather than for my parents. My grades went up, my social life and skills improved, I got into a great college that I love and currently still attend, and most importantly, I was following my own dream. Certainly, I cannot fathom the thought of killing my parents or anyone for that matter. But if I had gone down the path of faking my grades and hiding the truth and my parents expectations continued to grow, and if all those years of lying and false trust came crashing down in an instant, who knows what I might have done.
I am not sympathizing with Jennifer for her irrational decisions nor am I blaming her parents for what has occurred. However, I understand very well the psychological struggle that Jennifer had been trying to cope with her entire life. Obviously, it takes much more than a single factor to cause a child to behave in a such a way that Jennifer has, or even something a tad bit less extreme such as suicide, depression, social anxiety etc.
Clearly, what she did was not morally justified, but looking beyond this unrealistically simplistic notion of good and evil, it is fairly evident that her upbringing played a crucial part in this unfortunate development. Her father was traditional, but he also showed a lot of westernization. His wife going out line dancing and leaving him at home?
She was in full control of herself and the grounding was probably a joke to her at that age. She just went along because she had it easy at that point and was already planning killing them. As horrible as I feel for saying this…honestly I feel like Jennifer got the raw deal here. Her dad…he got was he deserves, quite frankly. Poor Jennifer never got to have a life at all.
Jennifer did something wrong, no one is denying that. But why did she do it, what made her turn out this way, why did she feel that the only way to continue living was by killing her parents? I shared this below in the comments too, but I believe it needs to be read by others. We need to speak up about how this is damaging us as human beings. Our parents are not bad or evil, but their expectations from us can be too demanding and anyone could have gone down the path Jennifer did.
Think of what she must feel her self-worth is for her to commit such an abhorrent crime. How did it get that way? I grew up in the California bay area as well, experiencing the same cultural upbringing you describe. Never once did I, or my peers for the matter, do what Jennifer did. Oh God stop being such a whiner. I completely agree with you here. I honestly think she has disconnected with reality to some degree, and lives in a world of her own fabrication. Alexis is referring to Jennifer as an example, a potential result of a flawed parenting style. Whether you believe her to be or not is irrelevant.
For those of us who grew up in this type of household, we know for a fact the issues are there. I can taste it like poison. To reiterate, everyone copes differently. For me, it drove me to near suicide. For some of my friends, they gave up on school to the point that their parents eventually gave up on them too. Do you really need a laundry list of cultures as evidence that this parenting style can be harmful?
I think just one instance is bad enough. You seem more caught up in right or wrong as the law sees it. The law did its job. It is an highly extreme thing to do in general. When that works, when they get to avoid a deeply unpleasant ordeal with their parents and they keep doing it, is that them being a coward and choosing to live a cowardly life?
I was being hit continuously with negative stimulus getting yelled at, being told I was a horrible kid , and I was just reacting to it. I actually felt rather clever, and like I was coping well. It was only as I grew older that I started to understand what it meant to be ambitious and diligent for my own sake, and why my parents treated me the way they did. But not every child in their developmental years experiences enough positive stimuli to come to that conclusion when they become an adult.
This has nothing to do with the law, or morality, this has to do with seeing beyond our own presumptions so that we can try and make sense of what really happened here. If we fixate on the assumption that she was abused, and that this murder was caused by abuse, we ignore evidence to the contrary, and risk missing valuable insight. I made my first suicide attempt at age 12 by swallowing a bunch of pills. By 16, I was cutting myself.
My mom would tell me she wished she had an abortion. She burned me with matches. My best was never enough. I am too damaged to be fixed. Sometimes it seems like there is no just way to act on what we all know to be true. The uncomfortable truth is that children of east-asian immigrant families among others are at a higher risk of being subject to what many of people would consider dangerously high pressure.
I have no idea. Parenting is such an odd realm of life, where we give families huge leeway to act as they see fit without society intervening, except in the most flagrant cases of abuse, and only then, if they are discovered. That last bit is so true — parenting is a very important thing that is unregulated, but it is rather impossible to regulate parenting, not to mention a whole ethical can of worms. BUT, as with all teenagers, a massively important part of becoming an adult is realizing that somethings that seemed awful at the time were actually done with your best interests in mind.
Realizing that your parents are human and that they certainly made mistakes, but still tried to raise you as best they could, is called growing the fuck up. Something that Pan, for whatever reason, never learned to do. This is true for the vast majority of immigrant parents, as best demonstrated by the fact that they immigrated at all. I can understand where Jennifer is coming from. My parents are Asian-Canadian immigrants. They worked hard to get to Canada and expected my sister and I to work as hard as them in order to create a better life for ourselves than they ever had.
There were the same academic expectations and pretty much everything Jennifer went through, I and pretty much every other child of Asian-Canadian and Asian-American immigrants went through. I was 8 when I first had the thought that I wanted to kill my father. I imagined that I would do it in the middle of the night when he was asleep, that I would use the huge cleaver that my mom used to chop chicken bones to pieces. Also I thought, what were the police going to do to me? I had these thoughts when I was 8 because my situation with my abusive father was that bad.
It was the only way out that I saw for my sister, mom and I. To me, if I got rid of the cause of our troubles, we would finally have peace and finally not have to live in fear every day. Jennifer Pan thought she had no way out of her situation but to kill her parents, the thing she saw as the source of all her problems. I can understand how she felt. To know that the people who should love you and make you feel safe and cherished are the ones causing you daily anguish and pain, it makes you feel like getting rid of them forever is the only way to make it all stop.
The difference between her and I, of course, is that she went through with it while morality stayed my hand. I had the same thoughts as her and I still think she did a stupid thing. After a while though, I got angry. Not soon enough and when she finally did get mad, her outlet was absolutely in the wrong direction.
Now her story has become a case of a very extreme reaction to an unfortunately common way that immigrant parents raise their children. We would like to think that no matter what, a parent loves and protects their children. Which is a great thing that most are exposed to more positive family situations. That I was a liar. Jennifer had First World problems: Maybe you could have some sympathy for the murdered wife and widowed husband, not the killer. I, also, can speak to that experience as well as what I said in the earlier comment without contradicting.
I can see how a child that is put under unreasonable pressure would do such a thing. In no way did I say that was an evil action. The amalgamation of actions that make up Jennifer Pan is what makes her evil. The fact that she unconscionably lies to her parents year after year, the fact that she plays the perpetual victim, refusing to empower herself by moving out or moving on, the fact that she hired hitmen to kill her mother and father: That is what makes her evil.
It appears this problem originates more from within herself than from the culture of her parents. Did you not read my comment? I feel sorry for the father and the mother will I add now. They treated their daughter like a doll, their poppet to control. That is not okay.
This is not Asia. Immigrants from the kind of life they led do not just leave that life behind. People like that have a fear of backsliding. The murdering little so and so was 20 and could have left and gone to work and not taken anything from her parents. Yes, I read your post.
In Europe we had this thing where we would marry our daughters off to rich old dudes. Even gave a dowry so they could marry. Really, the parents thought it was the best for their daughters. But the daughters would almost always be unhappy. They had financial stability, a house, everything, but they were not unhappy. I have a friend who has a mother like that.
Pan lost that hope. Are there other non-parenting related causes that lead to violence amongst other negative outcomes? But given the context of this article and discussion, high-pressure parenting is the prevailing hypothesis. Someone took an serious interest in the trial and kept a detailed blog. Because my mom experienced so much difficulty with school and so did I originally , she emphasized studying long hours every night to achieve academic success and I basically had no life. I also became depressed and anxious. This affects more than typical asians as well. I was unable to form relationships, especially when my hours were so messed up.
I also lied constantly to get extensions and manipulated profs and TAs where necessary, befriending whoever was necessary. What would have happened if I had lived a normal life; a normal childhood and adulthood? If I had never gone to law school? I struggled with my first associate job and am considering another career path now. I truly feel like I lost the best years of my life. I form superficial relationships with people who like me based on looks and glib charm, but how much can you lie? All I want to do right now is travel and live my life, make the most of my fleeting youth but I have too much debt to do so.
Yes, you can go to Harvard or UofT or whatever you desire; but at what cost? When you look back on your death bed, will you remember the grades or the people? I still struggle with how much to reveal; with how much to pretend. But honesty is sometimes the only way to truly connect and shape a different path. I believe this woman, Jennifer, lives with much greater regrets and hopefully she can build something honestly for herself, with the necessary integrity, insight and empathy to change. It is a frightening situation to grow up in. I have a single mom that has raised me in similar circumstances.
People blamed the women for not being a proper wife to keep their husband. My mom took it out on me. It was a two sided situation. In the public eye, I was her trophy daughter. She loved when people told her how beautiful I was. While at home she would verbally rip me apart and make false accusations.
She has told me that I had bad blood in me because my father was bad. She made me believe my father was horrible. She has called me horrific names. On the flip side she wanted to prove to people that she could be a strong successful mother using strict discipline. When people told her how lucky she was to have a beautiful daughter, I cringed. I was actually angry because people did not know how much I hurt, and all their comments validated her actions. I grew up in an environment without support, love and nurture.
My mom kept me captive at home. Family blamed me for not being tough enough. I did poorly in school and suffered depression. When everything is so painful and negative in your life, all that you know and can talk about is the pain. The one thing that kept me surviving was the power of questioning. Why was it so painful to have a good heart? I knew I was a good person, but why was it so painful to be good. I ran away from home.
It was scary since I had been so sheltered for so long, but it was the best time in my life. Although I worked 2 full time jobs, did not eat well, and had to take the bus and walk late at night, I felt so free. During this time I met someone and had a very unhealthy relationship. I never experienced love, support and nurture, so I latched on to him. The power of his hug could not be described. Even in that case my mother blamed me for the failed relationship.
I gave my mother several chances.
I carried the guilt of leaving my single mother behind. Every time I returned, it all came back. I do suffer with confidence issues and I always imagine what I could have been with love, support and nurture. Today I am married to the most amazing guy. He is very understanding and compassionate. I do have post traumatic stress disorder, but I am in a healthier situation. I have chosen not to see my mother. All of this has made me a compassionate person. I think this topic is very important and wish there was a way to reach out and support young Asian-Americans.
I feel like people just endure the circumstances and hide it because they want to create the perfect persona. I always wanted to write a biography so that others can relate and know they are not alone, but my writing skills are not great. I am not Asian but was raised by very low income Eastern European immigrant parents. She did this for years. She then could have went to college and got a degree. There is a limit on everything, you need a bit of each.
This is coming from an Asian family also Vietnamese too , but my parents are open minded. They do not punish me for not doing well, but instead reward me when I excel. I understand the parents want a visible payoff for their sacrifices. I feel for your friend. She has a beautiful intricate well developed mind but some things failed to develop or were repressed and her actions reflect that.
I work with parents and kids for a living and am educated in this area. These are selfish actions. They may feel culturally imperative but nevertheless, this kind of pressure is very destructive. The Tiger parents need to find a new way. Please help me out a little bit. Why, and for what purpose? You are so brave for being so honest and upfront about who you are and how you have been shaped by your life. Thank you for sharing that with us. But this in no way exculpates Jennifer from the ultimate responsibility for her murderous actions.
Is it better to commit suicide than murder? In the end, I moved away and cut off communication; after 3 decades I still rebuff them completely. She kept up the lies for years so that meant she should have been able to bank some of the money she was earning and plan to move out or move away. And she had years to find something she was good at or enjoyed doing. But her father is wrong.
I can tell that you feel have strong feelings about how justice should be meted out. Feeling the way that you do, would you have helped Jennifer implement her plan? Would you have facilitated the hiring of a hitman? Would you have pulled the trigger yourself? Are you willing to tell Dad to his face that he deserved what he got, that his wife deserved to slaughtered in the basement of her home with a blanket pulled over her head? Anger often obscures the pursuit of justice. I am the 1st generation immigrant from Vietnam as well. I work hard to support my family of 4. I let my son tried sports—basketball, swimming, soccer, etc.
But if he does not like them, I let him quit. They will tell me why they think otherwise. I work late hours but I still find time to work with my children in math, science, etc. I work hard for them. Hence, they work hard for themselves as well. Their lives and successes are my top priorities in my life. Hence, they should also be their top priorities as well. What makes you think she was given the option of moving out? The criminal justice system has already adjudicated her guilt, and her punishment has been decided. It is too late to change what she did, although she may be a different person when she is 49 years old.
The focus needs to be forward looking, with an eye towards dealing with and confronting the circumstances that lead a child down the path that Jennifer took. This girl has psychopath written all over her. Plenty of Asian immigrant children has gone through the same as her.
Some are a bit bruised in the process; most turn out just fine. From what I can see reported here, her parents are your usual over-protective, over-bearing Asian parents who one generally needs to suffer a bit to break away from. But what she did, from the first time she fabricated report card in 9th grade I was never that inventive, although I had to come up with some creative ways of explaining my report card back in 6th grade all the way through making up an elaborate lie about attending university for four years—this is clearly far beyond what most people are capable of. I would get furious and start yelling at him and he would play the victim.
I stopped that cycle by leaving him talking to himself and go for a drive. I refuse his abuse. When he starts I ignore him or leave the room. I am glad that I am not the only one experiencing gaslighting. Group support keeps you sane from this madness. It sounds like that was such a frustrating situation. We know that people who are abusive are very manipulative and can turn that blame around very easily.
It sounds like you have taken so many big steps toward your safety, know that you can always contact us at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, , to continue to talk this through and explore more strategies to stay safe. I was with someone for five and a half years. When we broke up, he decided it was funny to hand out my phone number to guys he knew and tell them if they wanted a good time they should call my number. Another time, when we were together, he called me and told me he needed to talk to me about something.
All of this and I took him back after about 6 months apart because he has worked on his issues, he had gone to anger management and he realized how badly he had treated me. Fast foward to living together about 6 months after we got back together and the first week we lived together he had already kicked a wall-mounted TV and ruined it.
He also liked to use my education against me — I have 6 years of university behind me — one undergrad and a communications post-graduate degree. I am highly educated and very well employed. Do I sound like someone who is so stuck up talks down to everyone? But then I realized he does this all the time to me — stating my expectations of him are too high and I need to be more realistic about him.
I could never ever put a term to what he was doing. This is exactly what my ex did. I got out, I left. We met when I was 19, and he was with me through university and grad school. It sounds like we dated the same person! He was a prick.
An effete, horrible little prick who I loved. When we met and for about the first six weeks it was perfect. No one has ever looked at me with that sort of obsessive infatuation. He idolised me and said I made him a better person. Then he forced sex on me. Frequently told me I was crazy.
You feel like his eyes are the only eyes you can truly navigate the world with. I put up with this for a year. But it feels like it was forever and I am this flinchy untrusting basketcase. But men, I just cower. It sounds like your relationship was incredibly hurtful and dangerous. A year is a long time to have someone you care about and love, someone you should be able to trust lying to you and manipulating your sense of reality.
Gaslighting is so dangerous because of how it affects our perception and our ability to trust ourselves. No one has the right to be abusive — emotionally, sexually, financially. It may be helpful to find a local domestic violence counselor or support group as you work towards reclaiming the truth of who you are. All conversations are confidential and anonymous. This is what happened to me when I was a child. So thankful to have started to heal and to recover… years later. This form of abuse is scary and confusing to the victim.
It has taken years to sort through who I am and how I feel about things. I was taught to focus on what my dad wanted and felt. Honestly there was sexual abuse in that relationship also. I figured that there really was something horribly wrong with me, that I was sooo sensitive, that I had a terrible memory, that I was sick. My heart hurts for the women on here who are in relationships with abusive partners. We are all worthy of respect and care. Thank your for sharing. Abuse and gaslighting can happen in all types of relationships.
Being abused as a child by someone that you trust to protect you is such a huge betrayal that victims sometimes blame themselves and believe there is something wrong with them. As a child, I can imagine that it must have been a lot harder to see the manipulation and mind games. You are right in saying that everyone is worthy of respect and care. If you ever need to talk or get support, I encourage you to give us a call You can also reach out to ChildHelp , which is a hotline for people dealing with child abuse.
I just got out of a year and a half relationship. And just like many of you had said, he was handsome and charming. Physically, he was my dream man. We got together very soon after he got out a very intense, 3 year relationship. And in the beginning, it was great as most of these type relationships start off… He needed a way to get me hooked; and he was successful.
He became my world… which is exactly what he wanted- because when I wanted to branch out, he would get mad or say he would miss me too much. His friends came to me very early on and told me to be careful… but they would never give me more information. I would see pictures of him on Instagram with other girls. He would say there was nothing wrong, he loved me, and I need to stop worrying because we were fine.
That night, he hoped the fence to my apartment complex, walked up the back steps to my deck, and was banging on the door at 3AM. I started to question myself… my sanity, were my expectations too high? Of course not, but he wanted me to believe they were. I would find countless e-mails to his ex saying I was just filling a void and he was only with me because I was there. One day he would feel bad and tell me he was done with her and the next he would be texting her right in front of my face.
Because I was feeling so out of control, I sought out help…I found an amazing therapist who I still see to this day. I found an online dating profile. Yet, 2 hours later… it magically disappered. I once again tried to break up with him but he would make grand gestures and pull me back in. I knew it was unhealthy and not normal. I always had my suspicions, but they were intensified after that.
I started to see through him.. He turned up his game and he came on stronger than ever. I thought things were actually starting to turn around. But, I ended up finding physical proof that he was cheating through some photos that I found. He showed me texts that he sent to this girl saying he was done with her and he was working it out with me.
I contacted her to make sure she was aware of the situation. After a few more weeks, she finally contacted me…. I thought it was over but she said she had been living with him for the last 6 months. He was her boyfriend and he told her he loved her. He had never even mentioned me to her. We both confronted him… to her, he was saying I was insane and I was a liar.
To me, he was saying he loved me and he would do anything to keep me. This went on for days. He was calling me crying saying he was sorry and I needed to forgive him but at the same time he was telling the other girl that I was just bitter because he moved on. I tried to save her because it just feels so unfair that he can get away with this. His ex-girlfriend and I talked as well… she told me last time he was home, he broke into her home while she was sleeping which was 2 nights after I left from visiting him and his family. He told me he was arrested for a DUI.
He was showing up outside of my apartment building at 6am to watch me leave for work.. I blocked his number and tried to block his e-mail but he would just make new email accounts to get a hold of me. I thought I would crumble and fall apart. For those of you still experiencing this horrible abuse, keep your head up. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with our online community. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such intense and painful experiences.
Control and power over your own life is taken away from you, by someone who incorrectly thinks that they have the right to it. Constantly fighting it, and choosing to see the painful truth in the situation takes immeasurable courage and strength, every single day. It sounds like she may understand the dynamics of abuse, and that has been incredibly helpful in your journey. It is so unfortunate when children are used in an attempted to manipulate situations.
I hope that over time this toxic behavior will stop. If you need us please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at I really am in dire straits at the moment and it is comforting to read about so many people who have overcome these awful experiences. I have been married for nearly a year. I got a job almost immediately but he is still looking, and this is causing him a lot of pain.
I have known about his controlling and angry behaviours for a long time but in the past couple of weeks the situation has escalated and he has been taking out his frustration on me. Last night when he came to bed and I was pretending to be asleep, my heart was racing with fear. He has never hit me but I felt so much hatred from him I was afraid for my life.
All this manipulation is disgusting — I know this rationally, but I keep doubting myself and my actions. What if I have been such a terrible person in this relationship? Perhaps I am actually disrespectful and selfish as he says. My self-esteem is at a real low and I feel really isolated. When we arrived in this country my husband planted intense fear in me about going out alone — the crime rate is high and I look like a foreigner, therefore an easy target. Now, I feel scared to go out and do stuff on my own. I love my new job — I really feel valued by everyone there. And a big part of me hates him now for the way he has treated me.
It sounds like this has been such a confusing and uncomfortable situation. It is not ok to insult and disrespect you in any way, and it sounds like that is going on a lot in the relationship. We know that abuse happens because one person believes they deserve the power and control in the relationship and use different tactics to get it. That includes isolating you from your friends and family, as well as making you feel vulnerable or hopeless.
I can tell how much effort you have put into the relationship and it is not fair that you are not getting that in return. I am concerned that you have started to feel unsafe in your home. Your safety is our priority, both physically and emotionally. Our hotline operates out of the US, if you are able to reach us by phone , or online by chat at thehotline. I just wanted to thank HotlineAdmin for the offer of support. I realise I had forgotten about myself so now I am rediscovering who I am and what I like and want.
I am taking Spanish lessons. I feel more relaxed with others and ready to make new friends. Anyway, thanks again — the kind of resources you provide are a lifeline. I think I have been in an abusive relationship for over 5 years. I have a child with this man and he often uses him as a way to tell me that I am not a good parent and he will take him away from me. Although he came back every time crying and trying to come back with me.
He calls me names, asks me to talk dirty in bed and often slap me and says it is just a game. I am always worried that he gets upset and start another cycle of fights! He is 53 and he often finds girls 30 or younger and have dirty conversations and pictures sent to them. He also documents the pictures and conversation on file in his laptop. His calendar is full of girls name and their birthdays and he is like a predator sending message to them and then continue the conversation by saying he is always there to help and he is so different from others and they can count on him!
He did the same with me. He always hid his phone and laptop from me and I never looked for anything. Just recently I found out about this. He also insult me all the time. He makes a lot of money but refuses to pay the right amount of child support and I am afraid to go to court because he is threatening me that he will show them that I am crazy and he will take away my 3 year old.
What should I do? Thank you so much for sharing. Blaming you, manipulating your child, refusing to help financially, and justifying abusive behavior are all common tactics for abusers to maintain power and control. A healthy relationship is about equality, understanding and respect. You should feel heard and safe to voice your opinion. It must have been so upsetting to find those conversations and you were justified in asking him about them. I think it would upset anyone to find out their partner was keeping such a huge secret from them.
Instead of taking responsibility, he tried making you feel like it was your problem. Getting information and resources is always helpful since many abusers will tell you things that may not be true. I have been married for 20 years. I have 3 children. I love them very very much. I have no family. They are not good people. I am so ashamed. I feel so lost and I am afraid that my kids will stop loving me and just think I am weak or crazy or whatever he tells them. What if they in turn become abusive??? What if I lose them??? Surprisingly my husband said it could go back to school. I totally supported all of us a few years back when he went back to school.
So I quit my job and now i have no income. Be has increasingly been doing almost all the things described above, but only if no one is around. I just want to lay down and sleep forever. I have never felt so alone. Sorry ffor all this. I know other people have gone through much worse. I am not suicidal but sometimes it crosses my mind. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing such deep feelings with us.
Please Angie, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were trying to do your best and as you explained your goal was to create a unified family. It is your husband who should be ashamed. Ashamed that he hurt such a wonderful woman and his children as well. The abuse you have suffered for 20 years has been severely affecting and traumatizing. Please consider reaching out to you local domestic violence hotline and participate in their professional counseling and support groups. This will help you become stronger and figure out how to reach out to your children with honesty and love.
Maybe they will attend a counseling session with you so that you can all talk honestly about the abuse. I know that you are sad right now, it sounds like you may be suffering from depression. Remember life is short and you have a right to be happy. You can be free from the attacks and the put downs. Without the abuser you have the possibility of making new friends and truly being happy for the first time in your life. We are here to get you through the most difficult of times. You are needed on this planet and we will try to give you the resources to help. I was in a abusive relationship in theHe past.
He was physical abuse. I switched from physical to mental abuse. This time I moved to VA met a Veteran that i love and at first it was me feeling that its me. I am trying to hold to tight, or im going crazy i am lossing my mind. I have been here for two years lost my job, about two years not working and everywhere i go to get a job it never works.
He goes out spends every kbit of money that explains why we lost three apartments, my credit is jacked up for putting things in my name. He tells me that no one loves me and that i have bad memory he never said that. I feel sorry for him and that pushes me to stay other than where am i going to go. I am so ashamed to talk to family there all in NY and they have problems taking care of theresaelf so who am i to burden them with my problems. He goes out everytime he gets money and he cheats online showing his stuff.
To top it off i feel that he may be even into men also but let me tell him that he makes me feel as though i am the one hurting him. I been through worst so i didnt think nothing of it. I have no money, cant get a job to save my life and my self esteem is in the garbage, no car to get around because he didnt pay for the car i was driving but bought a caddilac so they came and got it.
Right now we live with his uncle in this small room but im not complaining. I want so much more in my life i dont think my situation deserves the attention as some of these woman with children and just some that deserve it more than me. But i dont know what to do from here, I want to work and take care of me but i seem to always be back here. I dont know whats wrong with me and what to do.
I cry every other day and i dont feel I deserve to be happy. Hi Confused, Thank you for sharing your story. I think anyone would be upset if they were called names or had someone blaming me them for all the problems. In most relationships, financial problems are going to cause conflict and stress but that does not mean abuse.
You can have a conflict with someone and still be handle it in a respectful, constructive way. No one ever deserves to be emotionally or physically abused. A healthy relationship means that you feel safe and respected, which are both missing from your current relationship. You deserve to be happy and to be in a healthy relationship. I have had an increasing amount of mental distress involving interactions with my bf. I had begun to think that I was so mentally unstable that I had to find out what was wrong with me and what to do about it or i would lose my relationship.
We have been in a long distance relationship for 6 years. The first 2 years were pretty great, we saw each other often and were generally pretty happy. The only thing that marred that was a cheating incident that he claimed was due to a change in his medication. It took a couple months but we pretty much got over it fairly quickly, and for the most part I still trusted him. I did however want to know thins when he would go out, like who he was going out with, where they knew each other from, things like that which i feel could be part of any normal conversation between couples, but he would always gets so defensive.
The more defensive he got the more I began to think he had something to hide so the harder i would push him for answers. Eventually he mentioned a girl that he met and I had a gut feeling that there was more to it than he was telling me. It turned out that i was right and he says that it was because I made him feel so badly about himself that it was just good to be around someone that made him laugh and feel like a good person. I never meant to make him feel like a bad person, but I did feel like I had the right to know what he was up to.
I also felt that he often made me feel guilty for not trusting him fully after he had cheated and lied. The problem was bigger because the second girl he cheated with who knew he had a gf and even went out to dinner with us was still hanging around. In fact he still refuses to cut ties with her. He would never talk with me about what happened. I felt that i needed some kind of closure, and that I had the right to know what exactly happened, and when. I tried everything to get him to communicate with me and became so desperately persistant that he described my behavior to one of his friends in such a manner that his friend told him I was abusive.
Eventually he agreed to talk but by then everything I asked him he had conveniently forgotten the answer to. Every time we get into an argument I get so frustrated because I feel like he twists everything around and we never actually get anything accomplished. He has become controlling to the point where if i stop by the grocery on the way home from work and get home half an hour later than usual he greets me icily.
I feel that he knows he has the advantage in a verbal argument. That he knows how to evade and change the subject, flip words around and I end up so confused. I know that when I say any of this to him he accuses me of the same thing. It was just the other night that i truly began to question my mental stability. I begged him to help me if i am unbalanced. Is it possible he really does think that he is the vicitm? Is there any way to save a relationship with a person who gaslights? Am I being abusive to him because I feel like trust is earned back, not instantly given?
Is it wrong for me to want him to cut contact with the girl he cheated on me with? So many gaslighting signs are there though. He does question my memory of things, also questions my hearing which is admittedly spotty at times, but i think he uses that He thinks I overreact, he thinks I read his intentions wrong. I often feel like my feelings are marginalized. I just want things to be better. If the fault is with him or both of us I want to be able to make him realize that he has work to do as well. Hello Jennifer, Thank you so much for contributing to our blog community.
It can be so difficult to feel as though you cannot trust your own judgments, and we know that behaviors like gaslighting can really contribute to that confusion. I can see that you have tried to do everything within your power to help cultivate a healthy relationship, but when the abusive person is refusing to change or even acknowledge their own actions it can be difficult for that healthy relationship to actually happen.
What we see is that change can be possible for abusive individuals but the key to that change is the understanding that their behavior is unhealthy and abusive. It sounds as though that is something you have tried to bring to his attention several times, the fault is not in yourself. Gaslighting can be incredibly confusing and can make the victim of abuse question all kinds of things about themselves, like I am seeing from what you are saying.
You are in no way responsible for his behavior or actions, I can see how some of the things he says to you can be confusing. It can be hard to remember the truth of yourself when you have someone else telling you something different every day. But asking for a healthy relationship is not a crime, it is not something you should be abused over.
I know this can be complicated and can take a lot of support so know that we are here 24 hours a day and are completely confidential and anonymous. Our number is , and we are always here. Jennifer, your bf sounds just like my ex did when we were married, and like you, I turned to the internet for information. I even asked myself the same question — am I being abusive?
He told you his friend said that to make you feel even worse, so that he can use it against you. You deserve to be with someone who has morals and integrity who will treat you with respect. You deserve to have your questions answered, you deserve to have someone who wants to be with you, spend time with you, have conversations with you, answer your questions, not flirt with other women, not lie to you.
I was always too jealous and too sensitive. I was always asking myself, am I too jealous, am I too sensitive? Emotional, psychological and financial abuse are as bad as physical abuse. But I found out he was cheating again. I was pretty much told I had to put up with it. Thank you for sharing your experiences with our community. Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. It sounds like your experiences are very much like those shared by other survivors.
Abuse often begins very subtly and escalates over time. Hello My husband does this to me. Some days I feel it would be easier if I just die. Thank you for reaching out to our blog community.
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It sounds like a lot is going on and like this has been such an overwhelming situation. We know that people who are abusive will use many different tactics to gain and maintain power and control in the relationship, including gaslighting and other manipulation tactics. I am concerned for both your physical and emotional safety. We know it takes so much to reach out for help, and I am glad that you have here.
Please give us, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a call at to talk to an advocate about what is going on and to explore the possible options. You may also want to check out the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, they can be reached at OK- so I am just looking for confirmation that what I experienced is exactly what I think it is- abuse. My husband of 28 years started accusing me of infidelity that never occurred.
I thought that we had a good marriage, and of course as the years go on and the kids grow older things change, but I always thought we had what it would take to be in it for the long haul. We were soul mates, we were going to be there for each other until the end. Who will be in your meetings? Some things were easy to answer and I have no idea exactly what I was doing at Then because I did not know that I must have been doing something I needed to cover up. Anyway he said he had forgotten his phone in my office one day and had alot of questions, I answered each one without any hesitation.
He had apparently left a recorder in my office and mistakenly heard a door close which was to a closet, he thought it was the door to the office and I had someone on there. This was never brought up again. This was only the beginning of what seemed like the end of my life. This type of behavior went on for months. Please understand, my husband was turning 50, I was passing a lot of his strange behavior off as just being some kind of mid life crisis. He had always been somewhat jealous- always needed to be the center of attention- but e grew up in a military family, moved around a lot, was number 6 out of 11 children.
I knew some of these things from the beginning- some of these things were things I loved about him. One day he picked me up from work and made awful accusations, said he had turned on the voice memo on my phone, as I carried t my pocket because I had to carry it on me at all times, so he could reach me eh apparently heard me in the bathroom doing things with someone at in the morning, in a bathroom mind you where there was plenty of staff that would have absolutely seen two people come out of there -it would have been so obvious.
But my husband was sure- he knew- and made me quit my job. He decided to also create a will. That was it-my life is now officially crazy. He called me every name in the book. We stayed up some days fighting for 24, 36, 42 hours at a time.
I was smoking up to two packs of cigarettes a day and just staring out into nothing,barely eating, because I could not make sense of what was going on in my life- how could he think these things, how could he not see the truth? So the answer of course was to go take a polygraph, well ten days into this madness, I went, I took the polygraph, but the man said it was deceptive.
I was in shock- I ansered the questions truthfully, how could they come back deceptive? So I am now in an even lower place of not understanding what has happened to the life that I knew. I understand more now about how polygraphs work- they work on emotion, not the truth- and yes, I was emotional. I did not tell the polygraph examiner that I had no less than 7 bruises on my body at the time of examination form a struggle I had with my husband over a gun.
Well I have gone on and can continue with so much more- but from just the little bit that I have shared- do you all think this was abuse.. The biggest issue that I have is that even understanding now that we can not and should not be together- I still love this man, I know that is my issue, but I still love this man.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with our online community. We know that abuse tends to escalate over time, and it sounds like you experienced escalation at an intense and very rapid rate. His interrogations, accusations of cheating, recording you, forcing you to quit your job — none of these behaviors are respectful or okay.
You deserve to be treated with respect, and your husband is not making choices that acknowledge that right, or your right to be safe. There is nothing that makes it okay for him to treat you this way, and you deserve to be safe. Having someone you trust and love constantly badger you about your whereabouts and accuse you of cheating is incredibly hurtful and confusing. His accusations were not about you doing something wrong; they were about shifting the focus and power of your relationship.
By creating a situation where you are constantly defending yourself against his accusations, your husband is taking control over the relationship, instead of maintaining a equal balance of power with respectful conversation, where both partners feel safe. I can hear how the stress and trauma of these experiences are affecting you, and your reaction is normal. Anyone going through this would feel exhausted, bewildered, confused, and hurt. Many people who choose to be abusive use tactics like these to manipulate and control their partners.
Having that future change in this way would be confusing and hurtful to anyone. If you would like to talk more about your relationship and ways to increase your safety, please feel free to call us anytime. All of our conversations are anonymous and confidential. First off, I am a man and want everyone to understand that no one is immune. It happens to men too, and not wimpy men only.
I used to be a firefighter and bouncer. I am also a man who has been raising my kids by myself for 11 years. That said, this past July I married a beautiful woman who had me convinced that we were perfect for each other. I say this because within a month of getting married, She began physical violence against me. Within 3 months from getting married, she was arrested. She began threatening me that she was going to kill others around me.