Depression: What happened to me

What It’s Really Like Going Through a Deep, Dark Depression

Contents:

  • Beyond Blue Support Service
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  • Explore Everyday Health
  • The truth about depression: six people speak out
  • The switch from deep depression to considering suicide
  • Reaching out for help was the sign that I still wanted to live
  • ‘My mental health problems were the best thing that ever happened to me.’

    • Depression usually results from a combination of recent events and other longer-term or personal factors, rather than one immediate issue or event. Factors such as genetic vulnerability, severe life stressors, substances you may take some medications, drugs and alcohol and medical conditions can affect the way your brain regulates your moods.

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    Psychological treatment can also help you to regulate your moods. It's important to remember that you can't always identify the cause of depression or change difficult circumstances. Find out more about depression and anxiety, available treatments and where to get help in your local area. For a full list of references for the statistics on this page, and any others across the website, please visit the references page and search through the relevant category.

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    Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones. Home The facts Depression What causes depression? Life circumstances and other personal factors are still likely to have an important influence. Personality — Some people may be more at risk of depression because of their personality, particularly if they have a tendency to worry a lot, have low self-esteem, are perfectionists, are sensitive to personal criticism, or are self-critical and negative.

    Many people with depression also have drug and alcohol problems. I don't feel them coming, but the people around me do. My therapist can always tell.

    Explore Everyday Health

    It's World Mental Health Day and in the spirit of smashing taboos, I want to share with everyone why being depressed was the best thing. Not only is untreated clinical depression unhealthy, but it can rob you of your relationships and work life, and lead to illness and substance.

    If I look back, it's easy to tell: I'm predisposed to it. I'm fairly sure it's something I'll have to live with. But there are plenty of things I can do to lessen the number and intensity of episodes. I've got a great therapist.

    The last three episodes have lasted between six and nine months; I've had to take time off work each time. The first time, my work made me redundant; the second time they were brilliant, paid me when they had no obligation to, but then they made my life hell. I was off for two weeks last summer. I don't know why it happens to me. There are things that happened to me in the past, but they're things that happen in every family.

    A lot of it is that I'm quite sensitive and take things in a lot deeper than I should. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 15 and was prescribed antidepressants. It's hard to identify when exactly the depression began.

    Sometimes there is no identifiable cause. I was told it could just be a chemical imbalance in my brain. I lost interest in everything. My appetite would decrease. I stopped caring about myself and my living conditions, at times I hated myself and felt I did not deserve to feel any better. During my worst episodes, I would cut my arms. At the time this felt like a release, a way of feeling something real again, and of expressing my inner pain in a tangible, visible way.

    I can have periods of up to six months when I am mostly fine, but there are also times when I feel low, sometimes so bad that I have to give up work for a few months. I don't think depression will ever leave me alone for good. I am on the road to recovery, but it is a hard journey. Hope is really important: Although that is easier said than done: I suppose the depression has stopped me from achieving certain goals.

    I had to drop out of university. I have been unable to work full time for many years, but have been working part-time for most of the time. The thing that frustrates me is that it feels as if I am in a no-win situation regarding Employment and Support Allowance. If I do work which I prefer to , it is part-time, and I am not eligible to claim benefits, even though a part-time wage is not really enough to live on. In the past I've had long periods of time when I was unable to work, which made it difficult to get back into work when I was feeling well enough.

    The temp agencies told me it might be difficult to find me something due to the "gaps" in my CV, particularly as depression is something that I still carry with me, as opposed to a "normal" illness, which clears up. One agency felt it had to inform prospective employers of my medical information.

    The truth about depression: six people speak out

    Medication has played a major role in my recovery, but quite often it is given too easily without enough access to talking therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Psychoanalytical Therapy. Over the years I tried many different antidepressants before finding one that worked properly for me.

    I found that, for me, antidepressants allow me to manage day to day life a lot better and stabilise my moods but I still have to work hard to try to manage my low periods. I have to ensure regular social contact with my friends and family. During my low times, I set myself realistic goals and try to do things that give me a sense of achievement, this can sometimes be small, everyday things like going to the shops or putting the bins out as these tasks can be daunting due to anxiety and lack of motivation.

    I have found talking-therapies helpful in the past but find these can be a struggle if you are feeling quite bad. You have to be in the right place, mentally, to cope with addressing your problems. Also, there can be a long wait for such therapies on the NHS, private treatment can be quite expensive so this not a realistic option for most people, particularly if you aren't in employment. Things that I find unhelpful are mainly the attitudes of people who don't understand depression and think it's just a matter of "pulling oneself together" or "just getting on with things" or "stop worrying and cheer up".

    I think there is still too much stigma attached to having a mental health problem, especially with something like depression because it is not an illness you can see, I think it is quite misunderstood. I find too much time alone is unhelpful, even though sometimes I just don't want to leave the house or see anyone, I usually feel better after contact with the outside world.

    When I was first diagnosed with depression, my parents encouraged me to keep it a secret; they did not want other friends or family members to find out. This made me feel alone and ashamed of how I felt. I know my parents have always loved and cared for me, it was just that they did not really understand what I was going through.

    For years when I lived at home they would try to convince me there was nothing wrong with me and it was just a phase that would pass. At times, I wanted to die and my parents would tell me to "pick myself up" and "not be so sensitive about things". They did not even like using the word "depression" and would say the GP was wrong in his diagnosis.

    I understand now that this sort of reaction is common, especially among Asian families.

    The switch from deep depression to considering suicide

    It was only a year and a half later that I felt things were finally getting better. My counsellor said to me, when I was in the depths of depression, that I would look back on this as a formative moment in my life. But I didn't tell anyone. At times, I wanted to die and my parents would tell me to "pick myself up" and "not be so sensitive about things". When I was first diagnosed with depression, my parents encouraged me to keep it a secret; they did not want other friends or family members to find out. Once we recognised what was happening, it was already very severe in terms of suicidal thoughts. Get updates Get updates.

    Feelings and moods were not really discussed and any display of emotion was seen as a form of weakness. Over time, my parents' attitudes changed. Now they are brilliant, supportive and understanding. My brother has always been very understanding. And I have a great bunch of friends, people who understand my depression and my "quiet times". I have a lovely partner, who is caring and helpful.

    Reaching out for help was the sign that I still wanted to live

    He encourages me to look after myself and supports me in getting back on my feet when I'm not feeling so good. I also have two lovely cats. I have managed not to neglect, mislay or set fire to either of them yet despite some people's comments that I cannot even look after myself properly.

    I've had two serious episodes, the first when I was 21, which I don't remember much about, and the second about three years ago. There were classic warning signs: Once we recognised what was happening, it was already very severe in terms of suicidal thoughts. I wasn't doing anything. I was suicidal and I stayed in bed all day. I would wake up at three or four in the morning and sometimes I couldn't go back to sleep, I would go for long walks around Hackney.

    Anything to get out of the house. For a long time, nothing helped. The best help is to be patient and have some contact with people who can give you some sort of hope that things will pass. For me, the best thing was getting in touch with people who had it in the past and wouldn't give me any cheap advice such as to go running, medication, therapy. It was writing, keeping a diary, writing emails to people about it. My girlfriend was amazingly supportive. It really strengthened our relationship. Recovery took a long time.

    ‘My mental health problems were the best thing that ever happened to me.’

    It was only a year and a half later that I felt things were finally getting better. I would have good moments but would crash again. The suicidal thoughts were on and off and triggered by stress. But I was never off work, I had good support from my colleagues, rearranged some of my teaching. Looking back, I didn't miss a single lecture that I had to teach, but often I was close to getting to admitting myself into hospital. Luckily, I didn't have to do that.

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    I'm not sure what caused it. But I'm very much recovered and back to whatever normal is. Of course, we want to do everything we can to stop it returning. We both changed quite a lot. We try to not worry as much as we used to. We try to just enjoy the moment.

    I find talking to other people good for me, as well as cycling, exercise, travelling and writing about things. I also find campaigning for mental health has given me something to be proud of. You can take something positive out of things even if they are difficult. My GP was very supportive and I've also discovered the benefits of meditation. My message to others would be that it's OK to talk about it. It's important to know that people do get better, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I first became depressed at I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what.