Unexpected Journey Through Mental Illness

Dealing with a Mental Illness Diagnosis

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For me, I cringe when, after disclosing, someone relates a story that suggests we all have bad days and so my illness is just akin to a bad day. I have worked to become mindful though, that usually what that person is trying to do is to connect to me and my experience. I can definitely relate to the people-trying-to-relate-with-a-sort-of-similar-story thing. Which is usually the case — people are trying to do their best with what they have available.

Thank you so much for writing this article. I was just in a conversation last night in which I expressed my deep feeling that I need to embody my truth, which means coming out of the closet about my ish years of Panic Disorder and depression. Little by little I started to speak about it with friends, but not family. I get anxious that people will see me through the filter of my disorder and will attribute my thoughts, behavior, actions, etc to the panic and depression. Yes to embodying your truth! Panic attacks are awful — and thank you for sharing a bit about your recovery journey here, as well as your journey regarding sharing that journey with others.

How, exactly, did people tell you that you gave too much information? It strikes me as odd that people would deliberately reach out and take the energy to say something like that. And YES to getting anxious re: To answer your question, I had a drop in attendance in my classes and asked students if they knew why. And simply being open with the truth is worth it! I am frequently quite open now about having bipolar and people have different reactions and say different things. I think I prefer some response, however clumsy, to none at all.

Your words remind me of something I read recently by Kate Richards, author of Madness: Someone whose presence says, Do you want to tell me about it? We can sit and talk. We can just sit. I aspire — although sometimes it feels harder — to be like this with myself too. Hi Caitlin, Thank for sharing this excerpt. Yes, this is exactly what I wanted when I was in the black hole of panic and depression— someone to hold sacred space for me. It changed the way that I listen to others, as I am truly conscious of holding space for those who need me to do that for them.

This post was so truthful and eloquent. I am still struggling with finding support a year after my diagnosis of bipolar II. I relate to so much of this. Esme, you definitely expressed this feeling far better than I ever could. Thank you for your honesty, bravery and talent. This is a wonderful post. Well, either that or I have a truly appalling personality that shows within a few hours. This upset me because I always signed and contributed when cards went around for my sick colleagues.

I am now being treated for depression with the mind and body approach. A psychiatrist for my body and a therapist for my mind. I am a changed person. I am more positive than I gave ever been. A year ago I though of starting a Fundrsiser for mental health. Our Facebook page has crossed the like mark! We can get on with our conversation. Expressions of love and non-judgement have been my favourite.

Some of family can only seem to provide rational advise when my depressive states overcome me, assuming that logic will somehow be useful for a truly irrational set of behaviours. But my roommate responds with hugs and they are just the best. Sometimes I just want a hug. I have both a mental health disorder and a recent fibromyalgia diagnosis.

This also applies to chronic illness. However, those are better than silence. I want to pause to write down my thoughts. It's breaking my heart, it's hitting very very very close to my heart. I totally identify with the mother in the book, I am slowly understanding what my daughter is going through now. Right now my daughter is spending her time at a psychiatric center, slowly meandering her way I realize that I have to prepare myself for relapses only because she Currently reading I realize that I have to prepare myself for relapses only because she's young, not even in high school yet.

I am more convinced about ECT I will keep it as one of the options she was offered ECT option and she out-rightly rejected it. Okay thanks for hearing me out Now, I am done with this book. A reminder is that bipolar disorder is NOT cured The bottom line is that they have LIFE, even with this disorder. Jul 02, Jill Elizabeth rated it liked it.

The title really does say it all. The chaos at hand is the madness quite literally of bipolar disorder.

Even with that luck, I have had one full-blown and one partial for me panic attack in my day — and they freaked the ever-loving life out of me. They were short episodes and for the first, more severe, one, I had one of my two best friends there to quite literally hold my hand and tell me I was alright and that things would be okay.

She also paid the check — we were out to dinner at the time that it hit — and walked me through the streets of Chicago in the dark until I could breathe regularly and stand the thought of being indoors again. Thank you again Lynna!! The other, partial freak-out occurred when I was by myself in my apartment; fortunately I was able to maintain just enough presence of mind to identify what was happening and talk myself down from the proverbial ledge.

These events look so simple and small written down; I assure you they felt huge and overwhelming and defeating when they happened. But I know that they were not even a mote in the eye of a giant compared to the feelings of stress, anxiety, panic, fear, depression, mania and wrong-ness that people who suffer from mental illness have to deal with on a regular basis. Either way, the stories are unfailingly moving — and the strength of the survivors and their loved ones are unflinchingly impressive. Linea has bipolar; Cinda is her mother. Eventually, she devolves from a bright, talented young woman with the world at her feet into a puddle of a girl who cannot bring herself to care if she lives or dies, a girl who tries to find meaning in lines of coke, beer, and razor blades.

At that point, her parents literally step in and save her life. The disease is always there and always a threat; she has to manage it as best she can with therapeutic treatments, but remain ever-vigilant for the signs of an oncoming episode and make herself ask for help when she needs it. Or to be the friend or family member confronted with the onslaught of an episode — or its aftermath. Kudos to both women for their unflinching look at bipolar and its treatments, and for doing what they can to raise awareness and understanding. May 26, Jael rated it it was amazing.

It is not any more his fault that he hears voices than my fault for seeking pain.

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These people are true. This not an act. And it can happen to anyone. The "crazy" person on the street is talking to themselves or they're doing something weird. We look at the "crazy" person on the street with disdain. We wish they wo "I suddenly understand the true meaning of the word "situational. We wish they would go the other way or just get out of our way. You hope that they don't do anything dangerous. Sometimes it's hard to look at the "crazy" person as just a person. Read the rest of my review at: This is an incredible and harrowing book.

It's written by a college-age woman with interspersed sections from her mother. The author has a major psychotic break her first year in college in Chicago, and her parents in Seattle are frantically calling her, flying over to be with her, and staying in her hospital room when she is panicked enough to need psychiatric hospitalization.

The author has bipolar disorder, and neither she nor her family have ever heard of it, much less encountered it. The au This is an incredible and harrowing book. The author is brilliant academically and highly talented on classical piano, which she wants to major in in college.

As high school comes to an end, she pushes herself to be excellent in piano and her academic subjects but pushes herself too hard and ends up with symptoms of being overly high-strung and played out by all her commitments. When she goes to college, she has a full psychotic break with a manic episode. She can't stop pacing her room, she cries uncontrollably, she starts cutting herself, because that's the only way she feels any relief from the stress that feels pushing out of her body from inside.

She starts drinking and doing drugs and waking up in different dorm rooms or houses for a couple months. The only thing she thinks can numb her intolerably awful feelings is alcohol, followed by lines of cocaine. All the while she's lying to her parents on the phone, telling them how focused and sober she is. The episode goes on until she finds herself unable to leave her dorm room and go to classes, finally becoming so panicky, crying, and screaming until her roommate and boyfriend have to haul her off to the hospital.

Meanwhile, her mother, who is a college professor in Seattle teaching courses on how to manage youth with mental disorders the irony is terrible , calls all over the place until she finds a doctor in Chicago that will accept her insurance. The author is able to get in, and her mother flies down from Seattle to be with her.

The author has minor breakthroughs when she can be happy for a few days, and then the manic behavior starts again. Her roommate starts making herself scarce because she gets exhausted by being the perpetual "babysitter," in the author's words. Her boyfriend is distraught, but faithfully monitors her erratic behavior and reports by phone to her parents, who are worried sick. The parents take turns flying to Chicago, and sometimes going together, because the problem is so intractable.

The doctor refers her to a psychologist, who refers her to a psychiatrist, who diagnoses her with bipolar II. She is prescribed medication, which she often won't take, and her symptoms flare up even more wildly. Finally, she guesses that suicide is the only thing that will release her from her continuous misery. Once she overdoses on one kind of pills, and she has to be taken to the psychiatrist again.

The psychiatrist, psychologist, and parents form a triangle of concern to manage her outbursts so she doesn't kill herself. The book is hard to read because she resists hospitalization in the psychiatric wing of a hospital, and her writing at this time lets fly a stream of f-words and whatever baroque obscenities she can think up at the moment. Finally, she drops out of college her freshman year and comes back to Seattle, where she again goes crazy because she feels like a failure. On the other hand, the book is gripping and pretty impossible to put down. For readers interested in abnormal psychology, here are two very similar experiences of mental overstrain.

The first is What Makes Maddy Run? Up to the moment she jumps, she is increasingly flogging herself with how imperfect she is, similar to the author of Perfect Chaos. Another situation that is written about in, I believe, Zelda, c. She was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, whereas she likely had bipolar disorder but this was around , when that term hadn't even been invented. The part that resonates with this book is when Zelda thinks she has to become a professional ballerina, and on her way to practice with Madame Egorova, she and Scott get stuck in traffic, and she jumps out and runs the rest of the way to the studio, which is a few blocks away.

Anyway, the buildup of obsessive perfectionist behavior is similar to what happens in this book. Zelda had a breakdown shortly after this incident and was hospitalized or institutionalized until she burned to death in the asylum she was living in when it caught on fire. These similarities may be just something I made up, but they seem to be very similar and perhaps a characteristic of psychotic breaks. Oct 20, Ren A Bookish Balance rated it liked it.

No amount of time was going to prepare me to read Beautiful Chaos, it is the most triggering novel I have ever read, though I suppose this is to be expected. Beautiful Chaos is a memoir following a mother and daughter as they adapt to living with bipolar disorder. The novel is told through alternating perspectives.

We have the extremely ambitious Linea, her parts of the novel are told through diary entries she wrote during the lead up to her diagnosis, up until her illness reaches a more manageable state. The other perspective follows Linea's mother, Cinda, as Cinda comes to terms with her daughter's illness and does her best to help her find treatment. Neither mother, nor daughter has a particular knack for writing, and while Linea's perspective was far more interesting, her harmful thoughts made her part difficult to read. Cinda's perspective tends to get very repetitive and she writes as if she is afraid of judgment for the decisions she made for Linea while Linea was still very unstable.

Ultimately, Cinda and Linea had the goal to help break the stigma towards mental health and one of the book's highlights was how the attitudes toward mental health of those affected changes for the better. I would recommend this to anyone who's life has not been touched by mental illness, it offers important insight into the challenges those dealing with mental illness face.

Aug 23, June rated it it was amazing. If you ever get to hear the pair speak they are so informative and insightful! This book was well-written but very difficult to read if you're looking for a reason for hope. The glimmer of hope offered in the end is that Linea is still alive, and finally learned how to live independently and safely. Oct 06, Barb Slatin rated it it was amazing. As a friend, a sister and a teacher it taught me so much about what I've never been able to fully understand. Thank you ladies for sharing your brave story. I have bipolar and this was not my first memoir by someone with the disorder.

Linea's story was the one that was most relatable to my own, though. However, that wasn't what made this book so powerful for me.

Is everything you think you know about depression wrong?

It was reading the parts from her mother's POV, and knowing my parents walked that same frightening path with their young daughter so many years ago. There were moments like this that gutted me, realizing my parents must have had similar calls: I paged Curt and our conversation was almost sho I have bipolar and this was not my first memoir by someone with the disorder. I paged Curt and our conversation was almost shorthand. We had never discussed this moment, but I think we were both prepared in some way for this call. She is with Charlie, he is keeping her safe.

During some of the subsequent stays I was across the country and their hands were tied. I can only imagine how hard that was. I read about their family sitting in the ER 7 hours and recalled a more recent stay when I determined I wasn't safe anymore and needed to go inpatient. My mom sat in the ER in a hard chair a similar amount of time while we waited for them to find me a bed somewhere. I was 32 at the time and no longer feared the psych ward but she stayed with me the whole time anyway. I'll never forget the fear on her face, however, when despite how bad I'd already told her it was - she realized it was even worse when I had to ask her to leave the room to tell the doctor everything.

I appreciated the effort this book made to humanize the mentally ill as a whole. Linea and her parents learned the same lesson during her first psych visit that my parents and I learned: Many of them are nice, even if odd. It's an unfortunate fact that there are usually several who are homeless and have no where to go when they get out.

This is not an act. I recommend it for anyone looking for a better understanding of bipolar or mental illness in general. Oct 22, Daniella rated it it was ok. Perhaps it's because I live with bipolar and many of these reviews are from outsiders looking in. As a book, It's just not very well written. I skipped the mother's part altogether, because if I heard her say "as a professor Yes, we understand that you and your husband have great careers that "help people", but we also understand that bipolar doesn't consider socioeconomic status when it chooses its victims, so just stop.

Other than that, it was just, boring. Maybe it's because I've lived this existence that it doesn't entertain me. I really wish they would have taken the time to make this more of a research based book to provide actual insight and education. Or found a better editor before they sent this drivel out to the masses. This book helped me to understand the emotional stress that my daugher is facing now. Tank you for sharing your difficut very personal experiences.

Your book is the first book that I picked up during my desparation dealing with my daughter who was receny diagnosed with bipolar II. Mental illness is so difficult to treat. Life long maintenaance of condition Just like any other physical cronic illness but society's stigma and limited available help is even make it togher. Can I be patient and stron This book helped me to understand the emotional stress that my daugher is facing now. Can I be patient and strong like Linea's parent? I am very overwhelmed but I am prepared work along with my daughter. Oct 03, Christine Fay rated it liked it Shelves: Well, Linea was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder when she was 19 and attending school in Chicago.

She came dangerously close to killing herself, and all the while she kept journaling, as did her mother, and so they combined their journals to create this book to try to be open about the illness and try to destigmatize it by sharing their stories about their perilous journey through the mental health system. A somewhat recommended read if you want to know more about the extremes for bipolar di Well, Linea was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder when she was 19 and attending school in Chicago.

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I personally did not find them to be excessively likable on their youtube videos. Aug 28, Sidney Thebeau rated it really liked it. This book hit close to home and made me feel all sorts of emotions.

let's end mental health discrimination

Because of this I had to keep taking breaks between chapters so it took me longer to read than most books I normally finish reading a book within days. I can relate to Cinda the mom at times. I like that it helps you understand more in depth the other persons perspective because not everyone is able to express themselves as much as Linea did in this book. Overall, I enjoyed this book and I think everyone should read it. Jan 18, Lisa Van Buskirk rated it it was amazing. This was a heartbreaking, heartwarming, and wonderful book. It didn't sugar coat this horrible disease that so many struggle with daily.

It was very well-written and I highly recommend it. Maybe it could offer some hope to those struggling and knowledge to those who are blind to the subject. I am so glad that Linea is still alive today and has the amazing support of family that she does. Sadly many don't have that support, or if they do they don't have the finances or insurance to get the help t This was a heartbreaking, heartwarming, and wonderful book. Sadly many don't have that support, or if they do they don't have the finances or insurance to get the help they need.

Nov 16, Emily rated it it was amazing. I read this in almost one sitting, it was captivating.

What do you say when someone tells you about their mental health diagnosis?

My own mental health struggles mean I am drawn to books like this, it's sick really. But this was amazingly written, gut wrenchingly honest but ultimately inspiring!! Linea and her mom should be so proud x. Jun 30, Ashley rated it it was amazing. It is eye opening and honest about struggling with a mental illness.

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