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And what is this danger? It is the loss of the truth about one's own self and about the family, together with the risk of a loss of freedom and consequently of a loss of love itself. Responsible parenthood is the necessary condition for human love,and it is also the necessary condition for authentic conjugal love, because love cannot be irresponsible.
Its beauty is the fruit of responsibility. When love is truly responsible, it is also truly free. Crossing the Threshold of Hope. John Paul II, Families today have too little "human" life. There is a shortage of people with whom to create and share the common good; and yet that good, by its very nature, demands to be created and shared with others: We need to pray that married couples will love their vocation, even when the road becomes difficult, or the paths become narrow, uphill and seemingly insuperable.
Now you may want to return to the marital self-giving checklist and reflect on how you can increase your self-giving to the romantic, friendship and intimate aspects of your marriage. Brad Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, wrote, "Monogamous, married sex is more likely to deliver long-lasting satisfaction than the quick thrill offered by infidelity, According to the renowned University of Chicago Sex Survey , a monogamous sexual partnership embedded in a formal marriage evidently produces the greatest satisfaction and pleasure.
This study found that both women and men like the emotional security that fidelity affords, and are more likely to report that they are anxious, scared and guilty when they have had sex with multiple partners in the last year.
How do you think you do receiving from your spouse? Do you appreciate that married love is caught up in divine love? In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb. Do you and your spouse recognize the numerous benefits of having Christ dwell with you the your marriage? It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility.
In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values. Do you pursue a marital unity in which you focus more on the We of the marriage than on yourself? It is deepened by lives of the common faith and by the Eucharist received together.
Do you appreciate how your spiritual life with the Lord can help your self-giving to your spouse and your marital happiness? It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life cf. Have you considered that the grace in your sacrament of Matrimony can help you to love your spouse more and can strengthen your marital relationship? His writing compliments and enriches the writing of John Paul II on love and marriage.
Let us reflect on some of the Holy Father's wisdom from this encyclical. Amid this multiplicity of meanings, however, one in particular stands out: This would seem to be the very epitome of love; all other kinds of love immediately seem to fade in comparison. Yet we have also seen that the way to attain this goal is not simply by submitting to instinct.
Purification and growth in maturity are called for; and these also pass through the path of renunciation. Far from rejecting or 'poisoning' eros, they heal it and restore its true grandeur.
It is neither the spirit alone nor the body alone that loves: Only when both dimensions are truly united, does man attain his full stature. Only thus is love - eros- able to mature and attain its authentic grandeur. The contemporary way of exalting the body is deceptive. The apparent exaltation of the body can quickly turn into a hatred of bodiliness.
The love of man and woman tends to rise 'in ecstasy' towards the Divine, to lead us beyond ourselves; yet for this very reason it calls for a path of ascent, renunciation, purification and healing. Do you know and believe in the love of God for you? If so, do you try to share this love with your spouse and children? Do you attempt in your marriage to fight against selfishness and to seek the happiness of your spouse?
Wherever communion with God, which is communion with the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit is destroyed, the root and source of our communion with one another are destroyed. And wherever we do not live communion among ourselves, communion with the Trinitarian God is not alive and true either. A number of emotional conflicts can interfere with marital intimacy. In our clinical experience the most common conflicts leading to sexual difficulties in marriage are the failure to give cheerfully and regularly to the romantic aspect of the marriage and to the marital friendship.
This insensitivity leads of a loss of trust, anger and discouragement. The majority of couples who enjoy a good romantic relationship outside the bedroom and a close marital friendship have a comforting and enjoyable intimate relationship. Another source of stress in the intimate relationship is the failure of couples to understand the beauty and goodness of marital intimacy as described by John Paul II in Love and Responsibility , Theology of the Body , the Catechism of the Catholic Church and Humane Vitae.
The compulsive use of internet pornography by husbands is also damaging many marriages.
The addicted spouse chapter on this website addresses the healing of this serious conflict. A common complaint of many married men in regard to sexual intimacy is that their wives rarely initiate self-giving in this area. Some men think that their wives falsely believe that sexual intimacy is their gift to bestow or withhold and not a gift from God for the marriage. This weaknesses and distorted thinking is most often the result of a mistrust of male love from hurts with fathers or with other men who hurt them prior to the marriage. Another important factor is that of a woman's modeling after a mistrustful mother.
Growth in trust in one's husband and in the Lord's plan for sexual intimacy can help to resolve this serious marital conflict. Wives who fail to experience pleasure during sexual intimacy often have weaknesses in their ability to completely entrust themselves to their husbands. John Paul II in Faith and Reason has written that men women are on an unstoppable journey to find someone they can truly entrust ourselves to.
Although spouses believe they have attained this goal in their marital relationship, unresolved emotional pain from prior to the marriage or from the marriage can completely limit the ability to surrender to and feel safe with one's spouse which is essential for the experience of sexual pleasure in women. The emotional conflicts which need to be uncovered and addressed are usually mistrust, unresolved anger and an excessive sense of independence arising out of selfishness.
Also, a husband may have to work on his weaknesses which have damaged his wife's ability to feel safe and protected with him. Chapters on this site address these conflicts which can be completely resolved. Finally, the major causes of masturbation in marriage are selfishness, loneliness, marital mistrust and stress, all of which can be successfully addressed.
He considered prayer to be the most important work that can be done for God and for man. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. Unfortunately this "gift of self" is interpreted as purely sexual. With an OverDrive account, you can save your favorite libraries for at-a-glance information about availability. And what is this danger? I am sure that it will be different for each one of us, but God rewarded me beyond my wildest dreams with a lovely wife, a romantic coming together and a oneness of feeling and purpose for which we constantly thank Him. If we are involved in the Lord's work in whatever capacity our abilities allow, we will meet others who are like minded and this commitment to serve the Lord will flow into our marriage.
Chapters on this site related to narcissism, excessive anger, controlling conflicts and emotionally distant behaviors describe how many of conflicts leading to difficulties with marital intimacy can be resolved. When they are uncovered and addressed, particularly through growth in virtues, the marital friendship, romantic relationship and sexual intimacy can be enriched, purified and strengthened. Attached is a power point on marital infidelity. A new important important pamphlet on the serious health risks associated with oral contraceptives, Problems associated Hormonal Birth Control, which is authored by 4 physicians, is available at www.
For this reason, pregnancy, and subsequent chemical abortion, is possible on average every third cycle. The risk for cervical and liver cancer is also increased by the use of the pill. Its use is also associated with increased risk of myocardial infarction and ischemic stroke. The use of oral contraceptives led to the sexual revolution with subsequent dramatic increases in premarital sex, sexually transmitted infections, cohabitation, out-of wedlock births, abortion, adultery, divorce, abortion, and out-of-wedlock births.
They have contributed in a major way to the worldwide onset of demographic winter, www. Several other related articles for couples on oral contraceptives are available at www. Also, power point presentations on the medical and sociological dangers of contraception are available at www. These articles and power point presentations document the serious psychological, medical, sociological damage which has been caused by the use of oral contraceptives over the past 40 years. Natural family planning is as effective in the planning of children as contraceptives without the serious risks to the health and happiness of marriages, children, families, the culture and entire countries.
When used for just and serious reasons NFP is medically and psychologically healthier method for family planning. The major reasons why couples have difficulties with NFP are because of selfishness in one or both spouses associated with a strong sense of entitlement and a lack of self-denial. Many young spouses come from the new two child family and have been overly indulged most of their lives. They are often not prepared for the degree of self-denial which is necessary with NFP. Young couples should be warned about this issue and advised to complete the selfishness checklist in the evaluate your marital friendship chapter on this website.
If the score is high, they should review in the selfish spouse chapter the virtues which can diminish selfishness in marriage. By the way, many popes have written that selfishness is the major enemy of marital love. The other emotional conflict which can interfere with NFP in young couples is that of an excessive need to control in relationships. Spouses who are controlling are not going to do well with NFP until they address this weakness in their personality. The major causes of this conflict are weaknesses in trusting and selfishness.
The resolution of these conflicts is discussed in the controlling spouse chapter. Another difficulty which can arise with NFP is seen in men who rely too much upon sexual intimacy to maintain their sense of male confidence. These man can become stressed when they are unable to be intimate. However, this temporary pain can lead to greater emotional freedom when they realize that they need to grow in a greater appreciation of their special God-given gifts as men, be grateful for them and not rely as much upon their wives for their sense of male confidence.
We encourage NFP in couples because we believe its use can help couples grow in the virtues which strengthen their personalities and their marriages. On the other hand the use of oral contraceptives often results in a sense of entitlement in men, in particular, and contributes to marital selfishness and conflict. I made a simple rule for myself that I would not go out alone with or show attachment to any girl until I was sure of God's will. This way I avoided being carried along by a momentary whim.
I am sure that it will be different for each one of us, but God rewarded me beyond my wildest dreams with a lovely wife, a romantic coming together and a oneness of feeling and purpose for which we constantly thank Him.
We often spend hours reminiscing over the way we came to know each other and it gives much pleasure to see the way the Lord works. In giving these personal details I would be the first to admit much failure on my part but of this I am sure; having committed my way to the Lord He did not fail me. As we have seen, the ideal of Scripture is that there should be one man joined to one woman, and I would love to be able to say to my wife that I have never shown affection to another, but through self will and lack of understanding that is not so.
God knew that I needed a wife and that we could serve the Lord better together than apart and His will is best. Pray to God to show you His way, don't decide what you want and then pray about it. Pray that He may make His mind clear to you and then you will be able to thank Him when He gives the answer. We have spoken about God's leading to the right partner for us if it is His will, but there is also another aspect to consider and that is our responsibility to act according to the Scriptures and with wisdom.
Prayer for wisdom and direction is as essential in this area as it is in every aspect of our lives. There have been many that have made mistakes: We may think we can bring good out of our wrong action, but let us not be deceived, this has been the downfall of many young and older Christians. If all we are looking for is the physical and natural aspects of marriage we may be misguided into thinking that a non-Christian can provide this.
Remember there is no true happiness and joy without Christ being the centre and He cannot bless us if we are disobedient. This does not, of course, disallow His grace and forgiveness with us , but remember marriage is for life and a wrong step taken here is taken for life. There is only one nature that we share with an unbeliever, and that is the old fallen nature that we inherited from Adam. A Christian should be living in view of the world to come. An unbeliever has no hope for the future and lives wholly for this life and for self.
If the Lord is going to use us together as a family unit we need to be committed to Him. It is not sufficient to choose a partner who just says they are a Christian because: In the same way, if I am not committed to the Lord I cannot think of myself as a suitable partner for another. How do we see someone else's commitment to the Lord? If we are involved in the Lord's work in whatever capacity our abilities allow, we will meet others who are like minded and this commitment to serve the Lord will flow into our marriage.
Let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that an attraction to someone is sufficient and assume that other difficulties will be overcome after we are married.
Serving the Lord with your spouse must mean having the same exercise as to the place to enjoy the privileges of Christian fellowship, and being committed to the gathering together of the Lord's people as seen in the Scriptures. We should ask ourselves the question - Are we ready to make a decision as to who to marry and to begin to take on the responsibility of a new family unit before facing the Lord's request to be baptised and remember Him in the Breaking of Bread and drinking the cup?
The Lord has the first claim to our love, obedience and devotion. We cannot say we are spiritually mature unless we have responded to His request. Luke 22 v 19 "This do in remembrance of me"! Physical attraction makes up part of the bond we have with our partner but this must not take priority over the spiritual and mental aspects of our relationship. The world around us makes almost everything of the physical and we must guard against this playing too great a part in our choice of partner. The world is led on by Satan who is against the idea of marriage as instituted by God.
If we allow ourselves to be exposed to the media's perceptions of relationships they can unconsciously enter our minds and affect our actions. Let us guard ourselves from songs, films, books, plays etc. As I said at the beginning, pray. Earnest prayer is vital, we must be guided by the Lord in these things - but even in this there is a danger. How often has someone starting down a foolish road quickly justified himself or herself by saying 'but I have prayed a lot about it. Patience is a safeguard while we pray. Wait patiently upon Him. Do we have ambitions for a family life that is based on the world's aims of materialism?
Are we seeking a marriage in which to settle into a comfortable existence? If we are truly committed to the Lord we shall be willing to serve Him together in whatever circumstances He places us, whether humble or exalted, rich or poor. We will do well to take account of advice given by godly and experienced believers and parents. We must remember that they have a responsibility to help us through difficult decisions. The Scripture does not say much about engagement but it does refer in several places to betrothal or espousal.
This is shown in the case of Mary and Joseph and mentioned in the Song of Soloman. Engagement is a time when a man and woman are preparing for a marriage to which they have committed themselves. As we have already seen Scripture clearly speaks about the relationship between one man and one woman. Engagement should therefore be seen as a serious step of firm commitment to marry having received clear guidance from the Lord in the decision and not as a trial period.
I would hasten to say that should a mistake be realised before one is married it would be far better to admit it and end the relationship, than to continue in a path which is not the Lord's will. Engagement is a time to prepare yourselves for a new life and attend to the many practical matters that need to be sorted out: First and foremost, however the engagement period should be used to grow closer together spiritually, mentally and physically with self-control. The length of an engagement will vary according to different circumstances. If there is a clear knowledge of the Lord's will and there is no reason to delay, it could be frustrating to wait too long before the full enjoyment of living and working together can be enjoyed; especially if the couple are in the same town and see each other often.
This, of course, is only my personal view. Engagement should be used to get to know each other by talking over different matters; praying together and reading God's word. Habits formed at this stage will provide a foundation for married life. In discussing all the many practical aspects of our lives in an attitude of dependence to our Lord and commitment to Him, He will guide our thoughts together and set our aim to serve Him.
It is natural to want to spend as much time as possible in each other's company, but let us ensure that we make time for our responsibility to serve the Lord together in our local assembly or wherever He leads. These are all foundations for a spiritual marriage. If we use this time well it will be something to remember with pleasure.
There will also be the opportunity to get to know each other physically. This is once again an area that needs prayerful consideration. It is normal for there to be a display of affection between two who have committed themselves to each other; yet there is need for self-control and restraint. As in all the other areas we have discussed we should seek to honour the Lord and so live for His glory. Let us be wise in these matters and seek guidance to act in a manner that does not embarrass others or give a bad testimony.
We must leave until marriage that freedom to enjoy all the privileges of physical closeness and union; we are forbidden to have intercourse outside of marriage and must not allow our physical emotions to control us. Such actions as staying unaccompanied in the same house should be avoided as they could lead to temptation and suspicion.
As part of the blessing of marriage God has given us the pleasure of showing love through physical union and the freedom of the display of mutual affection; all within the bounds of a secure relationship. In the marriage relationship there is complete freedom in this respect but outside marriage this is forbidden as we can clearly see from our scripture. The world does not see this distinction and the holiness and purity that God intended is destroyed.
This relaxation of God's standard where physical relationships are entered into wherever and with whoever one chooses, can only bring guilt and misery. The whole of Scripture is full of the errors of fornication Acts 15 v 29 and adultery Exodus 20 v The first is sexual relationship outside of marriage and the second sexual relationship with a married person.
We must clearly state that physical affection is only intended by God for one man and one woman and that within the confines of marriage and to a very limited extent by a couple committed to marriage see previous chapter. With the current attitude of the world to these things we must ensure that our standards are not lowered so that the old nature within us is allowed to work and make us prey to the temptations we will face. Remember Joseph and Potiphar's wife. Genesis 39 v Choosing to live together rather than marry is prevalent in the world around us.
This is clearly fornication; there is no commitment to marry and no public declaration of marriage. The laws of most countries states that marriage must be lawfully enacted and Romans chapter 13 verse 1 tells us "the powers that be are ordained of God", they must, therefore, be obeyed. Let us take care to keep ourselves from the world's temptation by avoiding the display of the human body. This evil is all around us.
Let's ensure that we give no room for the flesh by unsuitable dress and behaviour. So as we grow from our youth let us keep our bodies the temples of the Holy Spirit pure and private until, in the will of God, He gives us a partner in marriage; in this holy relationship our physical desires can be satisfied.
God's will for marriage is that a couple may form a family unit to His glory, so that love may be displayed to those within, and reach out to those outside. Ephesians 6 v 4. It is also for the blessing of man and wife. God gave Eve to Adam for an "help meet" to be his companion through life. As with everything in the Scriptures marriage is for the glory of the Lord Jesus. He is the one who was the originator of the creation and all the laws and order in it. It is part of that grand design. The beauty of the marriage relationship is testimony to his divine wisdom.
Evolution theory, which rejects the early chapters of the Bible, therefore rejects the account of Adam and Eve and the marriage bond established by God in the garden of Eden.
This is the great lie of our times. The whole marriage relationship is a picture of Christ and the assembly. The unity between The Lord Jesus Christ and the Christian Church, which will be displayed when the marriage of the Lamb is seen in heaven. If we ignore the holiness of the marriage relationship we bring dishonour to our Lord.
There is no room for my selfish will. A step out of the will of the Lord in disobedience will only result in sadness for oneself and others. However reasonable it may seem, if it contravenes the Biblical pattern it will bring disappointment.