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This is, for want of a better mascot, your boss. I like to picture these penny-pinchers as tall and skinny, clutching their bags of money and cackling. The second group of people who are out to fuck you over are those who take what you make.
Uncle Sam is a perfect example of this group, because he will take his share of your earnings, no matter what you do. Uncle Sam is the worst kind of mugger: He can set the rules of how much he takes, and he can do it any time he likes. And I realize that these things all cost money, and those monies come from our taxes.
And if the number you come up with is… not-so-positive? This item has not been rated yet. How do you unfuck your financial mess? They rely on the eighth wonder of the world, compound interest, to reliably and predictably build a business fucking you into the ground. He can get t hat high from movies.
These beady-eyed little shitmuffins try to sell you financial products, and boy, do they have a lot of them! Everything from credit cards and personal loans, auto loans and mortgages. They rely on the eighth wonder of the world, compound interest, to reliably and predictably build a business fucking you into the ground. I like to picture these as real s-style fat cats, with three-piece suits and high collars and monacles who wipe their ass with my bank account balance. These guys are fucking you like this: And the longer you have the money — to be fair, that they did lend you — the more and more they make on that interest.
A year mortgage may earn as much in interest as the principal balance was in the first place. And these shitwaffles have the balls to expect you to pay them double that interest rate? The fourth group of people who are out to fuck you are salespeople. Some things you absolutely need in life, and no one thinks a local grocer should go to hell for their crimes against humanity. But they all have their place in life. Your boss is probably trying to provide a service in the world.
The company you work for may be malevolent, moneygrubbing scumsuckers, but more and more, companies are trying to be decent citizens and put their employees and customers first. Uncle Sam pays for important things like Social Security, Medicare, road repair and development, technology incubators, and, yes, even the military are all footed by the Federales.
And as for bankers? If you had to save up your whole life to shell out all the money for a house all at one time, no one would be homeowners. Safe for them , of course…. Some of them have good things to say. Some products genuinely do make the world a better place. The best book you ever read was also pushed by a salesperson, once upon a time. The best movie you ever saw?
Unfuck Our Future - Kindle edition by Derek Joe Tennant. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like. Unfuck the future. it's the only one you've got. 11″ x 17″ printed on eggshell textured cover stock paper. Hand drawn by our designer, Ginny Slim. shipped in .
Countless salespeople helped make sure you knew about it. And the same with your watch, your car, your apartment. In its best form, marketing is just telling people about stuff they might like , just as business is making stuff people might need. Monkey is under attack. Monkey is being led to the Fruit on all sides of him: Monkey wants it all. The Fruit vendors — the salespeople up above — are out to tempt Monkey every way in which they can. Monkey wants you to spend more. If you want to do right by your body or not.
And when you give Monkey a policy of total denial to chew on — if you completely cut him off, go on the metaphorical diet of kale and broccoli — Monkey is gonna get mad. Willpower behaves exactly like a muscle. There are two things about it that are musclesque: The more decisions you make — the more time you rein in the Monkey — the tireder old Will gets.
And the more you feed the Monkey, the less chance Will has of reining his feces-flinging ass in. The more we exercise control, the less control we have to exercise, until we break down and find ourselves knee-deep in Oreo crumbs with milk dribbling down our chests. So all this talk of Will and Chet and monkeys and Fruit and fat bankers — what the fuck does it mean? This is a blog about personal finance, not consumer psychology, right? Because the ways in which you fuck yourself over with your eating are the same ways in which you fuck yourself over in your finances.
The Monkey craves a Fruit — shoes, a set of golf clubs, a Ferrari, whatever — and you give in, and Monkey gets the Fruit. Not you — your bank pays. And we can do that over and over again. We can outlive our income to a shocking degree, because, frankly, people let us. And we let ourselves. Bankers will let you live beyond your means because they can count on you to owe them lots of money, and be in repayment forever, and therefore they can buy themselves another yacht or two, on your dime.
They make money off of your debt. Because the Monkey is a fuck of a howler. He can howl as loud as he needs to in order to be heard.
He will rattle his cage and scream until all you can hear in your head is the desperate gleaming cry of Fruit! Or, worse, you spend more than you earn on things you absolutely need. Cash flow is a very, very simple concept: If the number you come up with is positive — if you have more money than you spend at the end of the month — congratulations! You can start to put that extra money to work by unfucking your debt or unfucking your retirement. And if the number you come up with is… not-so-positive? There are really only two factors at play: There are a million and one ways to cut your costs.
You can do everything from cutting back on your thrice-daily latteccino no-whip half-caf triple-shot of Blurglenut , to changing jobs, moving out of town, and completely reversing your lifestyle.
If you really truly felt like it, you could walk the four miles or whatever it is to work. It might be dangerous and it might get cold and it might be inconvenient. But it would save you hundreds of dollars a month, no? But could you take the bus rather than own your own car, which is costing you in maintenance and gas and insurance? It will then be reviewed by Lulu Staff to determine the next course of action.
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What we need now is a fundamental rethinking of economics in general, and capitalism in particular. Despite the economic crisis of , and the specter of even-greater collapse impending, we hold assumptions that ensure dysfunction. What are the limits to growth, and can this system function during any prolonged contraction? How do we value and therefore price under the capitalist model freedom, democracy, or love?
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