Becoming One: Intimacy in Marriage

Becoming One: Intimacy in Marriage

---

Forgiveness remains a challenge to everyone--except maybe hermits. Despite periods of goodwill toward all, nobody gets to stay an expert forgiver. No sooner do we pat ourselves on the back for the high degree of enlightenment that we've attained than we find ourselves stuck in some hugely petty attitude that persists in thumbing its nose at us for hours or months.

Letting go of anger and resentment from such wounds happens in slow stages and sometimes only with the help of a higher power. When there are significant relationship injuries, such as infidelity, marital therapy and help from spiritual leaders may be needed. Research consistently shows a link between sexual satisfaction and the quality of a marital relationship.

When overall happiness in the marital relationship is higher, so is sexual satisfaction, especially for women 2, 3, 7. Men often discover that when their wives feel loved outside the bedroom, they will respond more inside the bedroom. None of these findings means that you should behave in ways inside or outside the bedroom that manipulate your spouse into doing something you want. Rather, use these principles to increase the intimacy in your marriage. For both men and women, meaningful and satisfying sexual experiences require a safe and nurturing emotional environment.

In relationships with mutual trust, tenderness, acceptance, open communication, caring, and forgiveness, spouses feel free to try new things, be vulnerable, learn from mistakes, and express and receive gestures of love. Sexual problems are higher in relationships that have power struggles, resentments, conflict, fear of making mistakes, and feelings of being rejected, used, or not good enough Not all sexual problems result from a poor relationship, but many if not most do.

Simply put, improve your relationship and you'll improve your sex life. Masters, Johnson, and Kolodny 20 offer these practical suggestions for improving sexual intimacy:. Sexual problems are not always related to relationship quality. Other factors can lead to problems in sexual functioning, such as stress, lack of education or experience, time-constraints, exhaustion, aging, previous unpleasant sexual experiences, and biological problems.

Almost half of all couples experience some kind of sexual problems in their lifetime. Sexual problems are most common among young women and older men. Several factors may explain these differential rates. Young men are not similarly affected. Older men are more likely to have trouble maintaining an erection and to lack an interest in sex. Low sexual interest and erection problems are age-dependent disorders, possibly resulting from physiological changes associated with the aging process p.

Some sexual problems seem to affect sexual satisfaction more than others. Results from the U. It is important to note, however, that having sexual problems does not always drastically decrease sexual satisfaction. Many resources are available to help couples struggling with sexual problems. The least expensive and least intrusive resources are self-help books and websites. These resources can provide basic education and give suggestions for common problems see suggested self-help readings at the end of this article. When self-help isn't enough, marital and sex therapy can be helpful.

Sex therapy helps couples work through conflicts, distorted beliefs, sexual myths, boredom, frequency debates, performance anxiety, aging issues, and other stresses that may be interfering in their sexual relationship. In , Brecher found marital happiness was related with couples' ability to talk about sexual issues.

Couples who have trouble talking about sex can learn in therapy to talk more openly. Initially developed by Masters and Johnson 19 , sensate focus exercises are assigned to couples to do at home. The exercises teach couples to approach physical intimacy in a slow, non-threatening way. In the early stages of sensate focus, couples engage in non-sexual touch like backrubs or holding hands. This step helps those who are anxious about sexual performance to relax. It also teaches couples that there are more ways to be physically intimate than having sex.

As couples become more comfortable with non-sexual touch, they are then assigned to engage in more erotic kinds of touch mutually agreed upon by the couple and eventually sexual intercourse.

Sensate focus exercises can be particularly useful when one of the spouses has experienced past sexual abuse or trauma. Sometimes, sexual problems require medical attention. Before beginning any kind of sex therapy, it's wise to get a checkup from your physician. When medical complications are the problem, minor surgery, medication, or medical sex therapy provided at specialized clinics can usually resolve the difficulty.

Sex is a sensitive subject. If you're considering sex therapy, be cautious as you choose a therapist. Your relationship with him or her is one of the biggest predictors of success in therapy, so it is important that you make a good choice. Therapists have different specializations, approaches, and personalities.

Not all therapists are specialists in working with marital and sexual problems.

Покупки по категориям

Ask potential therapists about their credentials and experience in marital and sex therapy. Many people try out several therapists for one or two sessions before deciding whom they feel most comfortable with. Once you choose a therapist, if you haven't seen progress within five to six sessions, discuss your concerns with the therapist. Some sex therapists prescribe masturbation and erotic media to treat problems like painful intercourse, sexual trauma, and arousal difficulties.

If you believe these practices are immoral, look for a therapist who respects your beliefs and your limits. Find one who will encourage you and your spouse to participate in activities you agree on and you both feel comfortable with. Since sexual health is so connected to the quality of the marital relationship, sex therapy is generally not appropriate until major marital conflicts have been resolved. Below is a list of recommended books on sexual intimacy.

They cover topics such as sexual anatomy, sexual response cycle, relational aspects of sex, suggested exercises, and tips on preparation for intercourse. Descriptions of marital enhancement programs and contact information are available in the article on this website.

Another good resource for information on marriage enhancement is www.

266,27 RUB

This website contains the most current information available. It is frequently being updated with articles written by some of the most well-known researchers in the field of marriage. You can search the articles for specific information. Creating and maintaining intimacy is challenging, and it is well worth the effort. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke said:. It is also good to love, because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being; that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation 10 p.

After you have read this article as a couple, have a conversation about the level of intimacy in your relationship. Once you've determined where you need to improve, go to a library, bookstore, or website to find information that will help you tackle your issues. Marital enrichment programs, books, and counseling may not have all the answers, but they can provide new ideas and direction as you seek to strengthen your relationship.

As you do, be sure you commit with absolute determination to build a stronger relationship. This determination will help you gain the humility to learn from past mistakes, repair relational wounds, work through problems, express tender feelings, and make the sacrifices necessary for creating a meaningful, satisfying, and intimate relationship. Often discussions of intimacy in marriage focus on the divine purpose of procreation. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: God gave to man and woman the sacred ability to join together completely as one body and spirit.

Prophets and leaders of the church have explicitly stated that sex outside of marriage and inappropriate sex within marriage is destructive to the human soul and thus forbidden by God. She goes on to discuss the power that can be obtained through total unity. She quotes Joseph Smith, "By union of feeling we obtain power with God" p. Power to bless their lives and their families! In a society where gratuitous and illicit sex is so blatantly flaunted, it can be difficult to discern the difference between what is appropriate and what is not.

Perhaps the media would have us believe that intimate encounters are strictly for the purpose of mutual physical pleasure, or even worse for the physical pleasure of the individual. Relationships based on physical attraction are doomed to fail.

While intimacy is a private matter, this does not mean that it should not be discussed between husband and wife. Sometimes in marriage there are other cleavings, in spite of the fact that the Lord said, 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.

Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers for advice and counsel and to confide; whereas cleaving should be to the wife or husband in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others.

Spouses should not discuss intimate matters outside of their relationship unless it is necessary, and should only do so with the knowledge of their partner. While intimacy is not a topic for the general public, Dr. Talking together about the physical dimensions of the relationship can help spouses get to know each other physically. Even partners who freely discuss finances, discipline of children, recreational activities, and so forth, often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just "naturally" work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong.

This is simply not true. While these intimacies, because of their sacred nature, should not be discussed with friends or other relatives, it is totally appropriate to discuss with a marriage partner. In this regard, Elder Hugh B. Brown 2 , a twentieth-century Apostle and member of the First Presidency, noted:. Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes. Conversations about intimacy can be sensitive and perhaps difficult. Some couples may feel shy or afraid to bring up the topics of intimacy.

A caring spouse may fear that by bringing up the topic they may hurt their partner's feelings. However, by approaching the topic with openness and love, spouses are more likely to navigate the conversation successfully. As Barlow points out, bringing up intimacy does not mean that something is wrong. Couples who are able to maintain all aspects of their relationships enjoy a stronger, fuller union. Increasing Intimacy in Marriage. What Is Marital Intimacy?

Benefits of Intimacy in Marriage Studies show that marriage offers many benefits.

Account Options

Forms of Intimacy Intimacy can have different meanings for men and a women, however Stahmann, Young, and Grover 5 note that "all human beings have the basic need to be intimate and close with another person" p. However, intimacy can take many forms, including the following: Emotional intimacy is the closeness created through sharing feelings.

Because girls are encouraged to recognize and express their emotions from an early age, women generally understand emotions better than men. Unfortunately, society tends to discourage men from feeling or showing emotion. Men who didn't learn how to be emotionally intimate while growing up can learn as adults. If they do, their marriages will be stronger and healthier. Mental or intellectual intimacy involves a mutual understanding about all the important issues in your marriage. Setting goals together is one way to further intellectual intimacy.

For example, you might set goals to improve your intimacy, to save a certain amount of money, or to go for daily walks together. Spiritual intimacy involves sharing religious beliefs and observing religious practices together, such as praying and attending church. As you share spiritual experiences, you will become united in your attitudes and goals. Wheat 7 suggests that couples become active in a church where they can learn, grow, and serve God along with others. If you and your spouse struggle with differing religious beliefs, see the article on this website Recreational intimacy is enjoying activities together, like running, golfing, or reading.

Things as simple as popping popcorn and watching a movie or preparing a meal together can be good ways to build recreational intimacy. Financial or monetary intimacy comes with discussing and sharing your finances. If you have separate accounts and separate incomes, you probably lack financial intimacy in your relationship 4, 6, 7. Sexual intimacy is one of the most important dimensions of healthy marital intimacy. Healthy sexual intimacy includes sexual frequency that both partners are satisfied with, sexual activities both partners enjoy, and an open dialogue about sex.

Olson and Olson 2 say, "A major strength for happily married couples is the quality of the sexual relationship" p. They found in their research that the most common sexual concern is differing levels of interest in sex. Happier couples tend to agree in their definition of sexual satisfaction and have fewer worries about their sex lives than unhappy couples. More than half of all married couples, they note, have trouble discussing sexual issues. Characteristics of Intimacy Relationships with healthy intimacy have several factors in common, including the following: Mutual trust builds a sense of security for both spouses.

You can show it by having no desire to injure your spouse in any way. Though you might unintentionally cause hurt, you won't hurt one another on purpose. Tenderness includes gentle expressions of caring. Through touch you can express your love to your partner. This affectionate contact "is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love" 7 p. Acceptance is unconditional approval in a relationship.

Increasing Intimacy in Marriage

No one is perfect, but acceptance means not holding weaknesses against one other. If you find yourself frequently pointing out your spouse's faults, work on focusing instead on the qualities you fell in love with. Open communication is the ability to discuss anything with your spouse.

It includes sincere expression of thoughts and feelings as well as careful listening. Signs of poor communication include feeling reluctant to tell your spouse about the events of your day or being unwilling to listen when your spouse is explaining how he or she feels. Caring is genuine concern for your spouse's well-being.

If you do things you know hurt your spouse, you cannot have healthy intimacy. You can develop a more caring heart and mind by learning to think of your spouse's feelings before your own. Always ask yourself before acting or speaking, "If I do this or say this, will I hurt my spouse? Recognizing mistakes, taking responsibility for them, expressing remorse for any hurt caused, and making a commitment to change the hurtful behavior are all essential to mending the relationship after a mistake.

For spouses who have created a chasm of hurts that separate them, offering a sincere and humble apology is the first step in building a bridge over that chasm. Even if you believe that your partner made the mistake, you can begin the healing by finding something you did that calls for an apology. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger, desire for revenge, and obsessive thinking about times your spouse has hurt you.

It includes giving your spouse permission to have weaknesses, make mistakes, and change. Seeing the goodness and strengths of your spouse along with the weaknesses can open up emotional space for good will to build toward your spouse. Forgiveness does not automatically create trust or reconciliation, nor does it mean you approve of bad behavior. But it is an important early step toward rebuilding a fractured relationship.

Appropriate boundaries are the limits you place on a relationship. The limits can be created individually or as a couple. These limits include saying "no" when your spouse asks you to do something that goes against your values or is more than you can handle. Setting firm, clear boundaries for yourself and respecting the boundaries of your partner create feelings of safety and trust.

If your relationship is in trouble, one or both of you might decide to write a "Bill of Rights" that clearly defines the conditions necessary for staying in the relationship. Interdependence Imagine for a moment that you and your spouse are standing with the palms of your hands together and leaning against each other with all of your weight. Conclusion Intimacy is an important part of a vibrant, loving marriage. Building on your strengths. The scientific basis for the healing power of intimacy.

Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 7 , A Christian guide to fighting for your marriage. For every married couple. If you and your spouse struggle with differing religious beliefs, see the article on this website,. If you have separate accounts and separate incomes, you probably lack financial intimacy in your relationship 27, 30, This affectionate contact "is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love" 33 p. Suggestions for Developing Intimacy Developing intimacy is much like gaining muscle.

Do the Things that Build Intimacy Below is a list of actions that create intimacy, adapted from a list by the Relationship Institute Regularly express caring and tenderness as defined by your partner. Surprise him with spontaneous acts of kindness. Buy her a present for no particular reason. Create regular time alone together, such as a weekend vacation without the kids, a weekly date night, or frequent walks together. Make sure you give consistent attention to one another and the relationship.

Make time for passion, excitement, and fun together. Give frequent small gestures of affection, such as a touch on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand, or a peck on the cheek.

Take the time to cuddle, hug, and kiss without always moving on to sexual intimacy. Genuinely respect one another and the relationship. Accept your partner's personality and characteristics.

Sex and Intimacy

When you're annoyed by something, don't let the annoying behavior become a negative label of his entire character. Instead, focus on his good qualities. For example, switch from thinking "He always leaves his shoes in the living-room -- he's so lazy! Express your feelings regularly, resolve anger or resentment rather than let it fester, and communicate realistic expectations.

Take the time to listen to what your spouse thinks and feels. Avoid mind reading -- making assumptions -- by checking your understanding with your spouse. Ask for what you want, be positive, and find solutions to problems rather than let them build. Live in the present while envisioning a positive future together. Avoid focusing on past mistakes that are no longer relevant. Focus on what you want your relationship to be like, and work together toward that vision. Some couples enjoy displaying art work or photos in their home that represent the vision they have for their marriage.

Promote your spouse's growth as an individual. Be supportive of your spouse's wishes and dreams and help him or her achieve them. Encourage your spouse's growth through education, learning, and life experiences. Say and do what is truthful and honest for you. Be honest and straightforward with your spouse. Promote physical and emotional safety. When your spouse feels physically and emotionally secure, he or she will feel safe being close to you and expressing honest thoughts and feelings with you. Physical aggression and verbal abuse destroy this feeling of safety and are never acceptable.

Abuse includes name-calling, put-downs, contempt, forcing your spouse to do something, intimidating, and hitting. Take responsibility for your relationship and your life problems. Each person has enormous, untapped power within, and something almost magical happens when you think about what you can do, what you have, and what you feel instead of what you can't do, don't have, or don't feel.

Increase Communication Skills Healthy communication is vital to developing and maintaining intimacy. Give Compliments and Express Appreciation Offering compliments and appreciation are powerful ways to increase good feelings in your marriage. Be Self-Disclosing Self-disclosure is "making yourself known to [your spouse] by verbally revealing personal information" 23 p.

The kind of relationship we have is. One way in which we are alike, is. One way in which we are different, is. If our relationship were a movie it would be called. The needs you satisfy in me are. I feel most tender towards you when. What I like best in our relationship is. In the future, I would like our relationship to become more. In five years, I see us. Some of my needs that are not being completely satisfied are.

The possibility of new life being born from this loving act is a miracle almost beyond comprehension. Being human, we are not perfect. There may be times when trust between spouses is broken. At times like this a couple must reach deeply into their reserve of love, change what needs to be changed, and ask forgiveness. That too, is an intimate act. Every marriage has challenges. The good news is there are many dedicated staff willing to work with you and your spouse Walk or drive around your neighborhood to look at Christmas lights tonight.

Afterwards over hot chocolate, read Isaiah 9: For Your Marriage is here to support you!

See a Problem?

Marriage Unique for a Reason. USCCB assumes no responsibility for these websites, their content, or their sponsoring organizations. Celebrating Advent as a Family Prepare for Christ's birth with your family. Marriage Welcomes Life How have your children blessed your marriage? View Previous Marriage Tips. Planning a Catholic Wedding. Obstacles to a Healthy Marriage Lifelong marriage is still the ideal. What gets in the way of thi Signs of a Successful Relationship Want a good relationship?

Look for these signs. Is online dating a waste of time if I want to get married? Step back and consid Reasons not to Marry Marriage is a big decision, be sure you're doing it for the right A Catholic marriage is more than a contract, it is a sacrament. Ecumenical and Interfaith Marriages Marrying someone of another faith? A few things to consider. A Letter from a Newlywed Couple Marriage is full of surprises - just wait for them. Encouragement and Enrichment Good marriages can always be made better!

Marital Sexuality The two purposes of marital sexuality: A Virtue to Take Seriously Joy and humor are important parts of any relationship. The Vocation of Marriage Marriage is a call to holiness. An Adoption Story The beauty of adoption.

• Ill Met By Moonlight (Urban Faerie - Scepterd Isle Series Book 2)
• Black Night (The Lost Night Trilogy Book 1)
• Shamans Song
• Cheers to Life - True to Myself
• La soberbia juventud (Spanish Edition)
• The Biggest Fear No One Talks About and How You Can Better Cope With Any Fear