The Birth and Death of Love

Between Birth and Death

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As with birth and death, love and grief also mirror one another. As I have argued here before, one is inexorably linked to the other. We feel grief for those we have loved; and in some ways, we love each other best when we are aware that our time with them is finite. These emotions share a lot in common.

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When I was little, I used to feel love for my family and my dog so intensely in my body, I thought my chest was going to bust with the intensity of the emotion. Grief too can feel this way - suffocating, overwhelming, physical, and all encompassing, passing over us in waves. Both love and grief connect us deeply to the people we love. What kind of mother would let her newborn, special needs child lie under a warmer light all night long without so much as peeking in on her?

Only a really bad.

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Only a mother that had failed her child… only me. And then… and then I had the courage to go in and see her one more time, with my own mother. Acceptance of myself, of my daughter, of my situation. I had so many attachments to what it meant to be pregnant, and attachments to what life would be like after our baby came. Yet all along Acacia was trying to teach me about acceptance.

What, Why and When

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We had many twists and turns during the pregnancy… the suspicion of trisomy 18 at week 21, which was later ruled out at week Then week 34 came and our homebirth midwife was concerned that she felt so small. So on to the doctor… which confirmed a small baby and concern about intrauterine growth restriction.

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Back to the dr. I had trouble accepting all of these changes, all of these concerns. And then… and then I held her. I began to accept Acacia for who she was, and her presence in my life. Acacia loves me unconditionally and purely.

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I realized I had already put so many conditions on her life and how that was supposed to be a part of mine. Acacia made me a better mom, a better person. The majority of trisomy 18 babies die in-utero during the second or third trimester. She escaped the diagnosis of trisomy 18 by multiple ultrasounds and by two doctors.

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If we had known ahead of time that she had trisomy 18, we would have planned a homebirth and allowed her to die at home, at whatever rate she needed to. And she was rushed off to be put on machines to sustain her life. We fought the staff on this, and nothing changed. We were forced to accept their actions to intervene to keep our daughter alive.

She lived a few precious days to teach me so much. She is such a fighter.