A Smugglers Story

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Totally part of the ritual. Craftiness is key when it comes to tricking people in the smuggling game, which is why when the opportunity presents itself to disguise banned steroids as gay sex lube, you have to jump on that pony and ride. That's how over bottles of illegal steroids were discovered in Thailand , literally labeled "gay lube oil.

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You may ask yourself why, if trying to disguise a clear liquid, you would choose to specify it as sex lube, of all things. And then you may go on to the bigger question of why they would have to be specific "gay" lube on top of that. The easy reply would be, "Because it's Thailand.

To run an efficient drug operation you really need someone with a background in chemistry on hand, just so you don't end up producing lethal pop rocks when you're trying to make crack. And since the dude is on staff anyway, you may as well put him to work on a clever way to hide the drugs once they're ready to be shipped out to lawyers and politicians across the globe. Some smugglers have used a process to mix cocaine with silicone to make something that looks like fabric. That however was not enough to fool the drug-sniffing dogs, who quite frankly don't care what the drugs look like. But then we have the ones who've begun processing cocaine into Plexiglas, to make clear plastic products like DVD cases and fish tanks that, if you were to chew them, would get you high before they shredded your insides.

Admittedly, there's an equally clever chemical process for getting the drugs back out of the plastic once they've arrived, but who's going to wait around for that? In Texas, border police stopped an elderly Mexican woman with a seven-pound statue of Jesus in her trunk. Drug-sniffing dogs took a real interest in the statue, but authorities didn't find any cocaine hidden inside.

Not everything is filled with cocaine. That's because the statue was cocaine. It had been molded out of plaster mixed with the drug. We don't know how exactly they intended to get the drugs back out of the statue once it made it to the destination. All we know is if one day you find yourself grinding up the head of Jesus so you can snort it, it's probably time to reevaluate your life.

If, after reading that, you're disgusted by the drug industry, then prepare to have your mind blown in The 5 Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High. Or check out how drunks can be just as creative in James Bond Boozing: Facebook isn't the only tech giant that rewards our trust with reckless abandon. A commercial's only job is to convince you that your life will be better with its product. Don't make me do this again.

The Colombian Coke Sub: Former Drug Smuggler Tells His Story

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Add me to the weekly Newsletter. Also, it appears quite a few of them are insane. Recommended For Your Pleasure. For the narcos, the incident was an act of betrayal, which has to be followed by retaliation. There are two ways to get into the drug trade, Alfonso explains. Some do it to make fast money, the coup of a lifetime, enough money to pay for a house or the children's education.

Others do it because they are blackmailed after previously receiving help from the drug mafia, as in Alonso's case. Alonso, a licensed sea captain, worked for years on large fishing ships before piloting the cocaine boats through the ocean. He was living in Buenaventura with his wife and their three daughters when his wife got seriously ill. He didn't have the money.

He says that an acquaintance assured him that everything would be taken care of and that he had nothing to worry about. After the operation, the supposed friend approached Alonso and asked him for a favor in return.

Alonso agreed to help the man, even though he sensed what the request would be. Could he have said no? He began a two-year career as a drug smuggler, during which he completed a total of four trips. He made the first trip in a cutter provided by the drug dealers, with five tons of cocaine hidden under a load of fish. Alonso, a well-known captain, made his way past the coast guard without incident. He turned over the drugs at an arranged meeting point off the Mexican coast and returned home. He still hoped that the narcos would leave him alone. But they were already waiting for him when he arrived in the harbor.

Then they told him to wait for the next mission, and not to leave the house. For weeks, he was afraid to go outside. He felt almost relieved when he was picked up one night.

At dawn, after traveling for several hours by car and motorboat, the group reached its destination: From the boat, Alonso could see one of the shipyards people had always gossiped about in Buenaventura, where submersibles are built out of fiberglass in the jungle, out in the open, to be used for transporting cocaine.

The narcos had developed a reliable system.

The 7 Most Ingenious (And Insane) Smuggling Techniques

The boats are almost invisible from the water, and they don't appear on radar. The only way to reliably locate the vessels is through thermal imaging performed by air surveillance crews. But the drug gangs quickly found a way to overcome this problem. They attached thick pipes to the hulls of the submersibles, allowing exhaust gases to be fed into the water, which cools the gases.

A third of the cocaine bound for the US market is now transported with submersibles. He knew his way around ships. On a ship, you could always go on deck and look at the sea. But now he was looking at a tiny, fragile submersible, and he could see how tight it would be inside. Ten tons of fuel, canned food and water in canisters were already stored in the hull -- and three-and-a-half tons of pure cocaine. The entire crew was ordered to get on board at nightfall.

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