Working Through and Overcoming an Affair and Saving Your Relationship
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You may act out of anger or be in shock. Take some time away from your spouse to think about the affair and to process your emotions. Reach out to family and friends. Look for objective, nonjudgmental support from friends, loved ones, or a spiritual leader. If you already have a therapist, you may want to reach out to them for professional guidance. Often it helps to have someone who will listen to you as you process your emotions and give you verbal or silent support as you deal with this intense event.
Once you decide to save your marriage and work through your issues with your spouse, it can be helpful to have a support network to turn to. It can be helpful to schedule time on the weekends to spend with family and friends as you work through the issues with your spouse.
Consider the possible reasons for the affair. Keep in mind infidelity can occur for a variety of reasons and that reason may be unique to your relationship with your spouse.
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If you discover your spouse is having an affair, think about reasons why he or she may have cheated. Ask your spouse if they know the reasons they had the affair, and if certain factors were at play that may have lead to the affair. There are many factors that can contribute to infidelity, some of which have nothing to do with sex.
Feeling a strong emotional connection to someone. Confiding marital issues to someone else other than you. Developing unrealistic fantasies about someone and being blinded by these fantasies. Evaluate your bond with your spouse. Once you have moved past the initial emotional shock of discovering the affair, you should take some time to think about your overall bond with your spouse.
Consider how your values line up and if you can both still find common ground about the future.
The added bonus to this if you are looking to save your marriage is that your spouse fell in love with who you were as an individual. In fact, in the latter case, the marriage may already be over, you just haven't admitted it yet. Delete all social media off your phone so there is no temptation and she feels safe. What hobbies or activities do you have on your own? Often it helps to have someone who will listen to you as you process your emotions and give you verbal or silent support as you deal with this intense event. They were talking more and sharing more than they ever had in their marriage before.
Does your spouse make you happy? Do you still want the relationship to work? If so, do you see a future for you both? Are you still sexually attracted to your spouse?
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Do you both set and accomplish goals together? Do you both enjoy spending time together? Discuss how you can both be more transparent with each other.
Every couple will tackle the level of transparency in their relationship differently. For example, some couples may decide to share their phone messages and be open about where they are going and who they are going out with.
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Other couples may decide to have in depth conversations at the dinner table about their day and share their experiences that way. Being honest and open on a daily basis can help to build up the trust between you again and possibly lead to a stronger marriage than the one you shared before the affair. Forgiving your spouse does not mean you need to forget or disregard the affair. Instead, allow yourself to be open to the idea of forgiving your spouse for the affair, one day. Your spouse will need to earn your forgiveness by working with you to build up the trust again between you and to make the marriage sustainable after the affair.
This could be through actions, like being open and transparent with you and attending marriage counseling. Or you may need time to rekindle your feelings for your spouse and to grow to forgive him or her once you have gotten over the affair. Go together to a marriage counselor. You should both seek help from a licensed therapist who is trained in marital therapy and can help you both work through the infidelity. A good marriage counselor can help you put the affair into perspective, identify any factors that may have contributed to the affair and teach you both how to rebuild your relationship.
See a therapist on your own, if necessary. You may feel that you would like to go to a therapist on your own to work on your issues, especially if you are the spouse who had the affair. Though couples counseling is very beneficial for you and your spouse, going to a therapist on your own can show your spouse that you are willing to also focus on your own issues so they do not hinder the progress you are both making in couples counseling.
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Working through your issues can help you to better support your spouse as you work together on your marriage. Join a couples support group. Look for a couples support group in your area that focuses on saving a marriage after infidelity. It can be useful to share your experiences with others who are also going through the same issues and problems as you. When my wife and I discuss it, it ends in an argument. She screams, hits me, and spits in my face. A, Clinical Mental Health Counseling. People deal with betrayal in different ways, so asking what is normal is not very productive; however, any type of physical harm has no place within a relationship.
Ask yourself and her what she needs from you in order to start building trust again. I highly suggest you find a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity to help you both communicate what you are feeling and come up with plan to begin recovery. Not Helpful 4 Helpful 2. My husband has cheated on me twice now. Both times I have given him the opportunity to just go, as I've told him I don't want him to stay if he doesn't want to.
He tells me he wants me and he's sorry. Can we make it work? If you can live with a few infidelities now and then, then sure, it can work. If you need exclusive commitment, then no, it can't work.
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In fact, in the latter case, the marriage may already be over, you just haven't admitted it yet. Sex is never an accident, it's a choice, which he made knowing how you feel about it. Not Helpful 1 Helpful My husband has cheated on me several times, and he still does things to make me not trust him. What should I do? He has intentionally broken your trust repeatedly. This is abusive behavior and I recommend you consider divorce.
If you want to try to work it out, consider getting couples counseling to try to repair the trust. Make sure you are clear with him about exactly what behavior is making you feel like you can't trust him, and exactly how you expect things to change if you are going to stay together. Not Helpful 0 Helpful 6. I had an affair, and my husband found out and beat me and says he wants me out of his life. What must I do to make him forgive me? I dont want to lose him. You cheated on your husband, he beat you, and you don't want to lose him?
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This sounds like one seriously twisted relationship. You need to get yourself some therapy to figure out why you seek out such chaos. Not Helpful 3 Helpful What is the success rate to a second chance at a marriage after infidelity? It's not affairs that break up marriages: It's the unfaithful spouse's inability to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them, says Caroline Madden, a Burbank, California-based marriage therapist who specializes in affair recovery.
The betrayed spouse simply gave up trying when their husband or wife continued to be selfish, shady, and untrustworthy," said Madden, the author of Fool Me Once: If you're the partner who cheated, how do you prove to your spouse that you're committing to regaining their trust? Below, Madden and other experts share their best advice.
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Be upfront with your spouse about the extent of the affair right from the start, said Madden. She's seen firsthand how damaging it can be when an unfaithful spouse withholds information after the initial confession. The best approach, said Madden, is ripping off the Band-Aid all at once: Share vital details about the affair -- how long it lasted, what you told your affair partner about your marriage -- at the beginning so your spouse can decide if he or she can forgive "with eyes wide open.
Answer every question your spouse has after you've come clean about the affair, said Michele Weiner-Davis , a Boulder, Colorado-based marriage therapist and the author of Divorce Busting: This period of increased accountability shouldn't last forever, but it proves you're committed to doing whatever it takes to get the relationship back on track.
It should go without saying that you need to break off contact with the other woman or man. But you also need to 'fess up if they reach out to you, said Madden. Because if you hide or delete evidence of that contact -- and your spouse finds out -- it will be a nuclear winter for your marriage," she said. All the progress you made will be lost. Taking full responsibility for the affair also means getting tested for any sexually transmitted diseases you may have contracted, said Madden. If he or she gets tested, ask to go along as a gesture of support.
Hiding the affair took time, energy and attention away from your family.