All You Need Is Love (The Principles of Love Book 4)

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Much of the lying people do in everyday life is done either to avoid conflict or to spare someone's feelings. Hence, if you are asked to come to dinner with someone whom you do not particularly like, you do not tell the truth or simply decline, you make up a story. You tell a lie. In such a situation it should be appropriate to simply decline if stating one's reasons for declining might unnecessarily hurt someone. I was initially hostile to the idea that this kind of everyday lying is harmful to our ability to love.

I do believe, despite the general truth that "honesty is the best policy," that there are times when lying is the most appropriate and generous - yes, loving - course of action. But when I press myself, I realize that these times are in the tiny minority, and mostly involve death-bed scenarios. And when I think about the most satisfying, validating interactions I've had, even with strangers, they've often involved the choice to be honest rather than invent an excuse. I'm specifically remembering a time when I was traveling alone in England, and was asked out on a date by a stranger.

I knew I didn't want to go, and a series of excuses immediately presented themselves: I had a ticket to a sold-out show, I was really tired, I was going to meet friends, my boyfriend was the jealous type, and so on. But instead, I responded simply, just as hooks suggests: I smiled and said "Oh, no thank you. But thanks for asking. He wasn't compelled to ask "Well, what about tomorrow night? We parted on friendly terms, and I could enjoy my solitary wanderings with a sense of empowerment, rather than guilt.

Three Harsh Truths About Love

Memories like this make me wonder how lying has come to seem like the only option to so many people, myself included. And, as hooks points out, the detrimental effects of widespread duplicity are much more serious than this. Messages in the mass media and popular culture particularly TV, movies, and "romance guildes" like The Rules teach us that women are expected to be manipulative and deceitful in order to "snare Mr. Right," whereas men are expected to be untruthful in their denial of a need for love and affection. Such behavior becomes normalized: Of course such socialization impedes peoples' ability to connect honestly with one another.

Seen in this larger context, and despite the fact that my primary relationships are already very open, honest and loving, hooks has convinced me to take a long, hard look at my impulses toward dishonesty for the sake of ease or social comfort. Not every chapter in All About Love was as mind-blowing for me as the first few. There were places I disagreed with her, and a few distracting generalizations that made me wonder about the research backing her up.

She claims, for example, that "most" American adults did not have genuine love modeled for them in their families of origin, but instead received a dysfunctional combination of care and abuse or neglect which was apparently the case in her own family. Having grown up one of the lucky ones, raised by parents who modeled constructive, truly loving practices for me and taught me self-love, boundary-setting, and the need to take responsibility for my actions, I wonder what the statistics are on how many people get what I had as a kid.

I'm ready to believe hooks's claim that a majority go without, but since I would have guessed differently, I'd like to see some figures confirming it. Nevertheless, All About Love was thoughtful, well-written, and provocative. It gave me a solid framework in which to think about the act of loving, and even changed my behavior, which I can't say about many books, even fantastic ones. I'm sure I'll be returning to hooks's thoughts on love frequently in the future.

Mar 02, Roxana rated it liked it Shelves: I have to say I had mixed feelings about this book. I found it eye-opening at times, but other times I simply couldn't connect with it at all, and couldn't quite move past some gender generalisations that the author so passionately claims herself to stand against.

All About Love: New Visions

It did make me think about the meaning of love and the context of love more widely, yet I still can't agree with some of the principles on which this book is based and the idea that unless love follows certain rules e. To me, it's just so much more complex than that, and I don't think there's any one person who holds the absolute truth about it. This is precisely the beauty of it, the fact that our perception of love - because I honestly think it is a matter of perception - changes ever so slightly with new relationships - romantic or otherwise, and that we gain new insights each time, without ever grasping the full meaning of it.

In the end, despite the popular appeal of this book, the position adopted by the author often seemed to me rather limiting, constraining, and not something I personally agreed with.

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Mar 02, Christina rated it did not like it Shelves: It's just not what I like or enjoy reading. I feel bad for giving only 1 star though since I'm sure there are people who like books like this one, but I just couldn't enjoy it: Mar 02, Helen rated it it was amazing. One to read over and over again, to truly dive into the meanings and to truly understand it because it is one hard to understand, definitely will go back to it in the future. Aug 09, dehorsmaisdedans rated it really liked it Shelves: View all 6 comments. Mar 06, Deanna rated it really liked it. May 11, El rated it it was ok Shelves: What did I just read?

That's okay, because I am in support of people growing and changing and becoming, whatever, their most authentic selves. But I was surprised by this book. I would say the first half or more really did work for me. She touched on topics that made sense to me. What especially worked for me was a section on Commitment that talked about the workplace, and since I work in a place that doesn't not necessarily foster a loving environment all the time, which I recognize more now that I've removed myself from some of the larger negativeness, I found what she had to say about love in the workplace especially profound.

She recognizes that most people think a loving workplace is a thing of myths, but I do believe it can exist, but that so many people are wrapped up in gossip and not showing their true selves, so it's next to impossible for any love to grow out of that. I don't think she necessarily expects people to hold hands and sing Kumbayah all day long - she understands that with love comes work, hard work, it doesn't come easily.

And that's the true basis of this book. There's this idea that any true love is a magical thing that comes along, and then our lives are perfect and no work is required. Many people are dissatisfied in perfectly good relationships because they realize they still have to work, and so it must not be true love, right? Wrong, and that's what hooks is trying to help readers understand. But then at some point, there was a shift in tone, and suddenly we're reading about religion and angels. I understand that there is feminism in Christianity, or so some claim, but I'm not sure I buy it because, well, that ain't my shtick.

But to each their own. This book was published in but the references to popular culture or politics are much more related to the s. While most of the book involved talk of spirituality, once it crossed over into talking about straightforward religion, I started to feel my eyes glazing over. Spirituality is one thing, as far as I'm concerned, because it can be whatever it means to each individual. But religion is usually of an organized establishment, and my experience means something very specific to me, so love in that context is basically the same thing I've heard most of my life from everyone else - that to be religious means to LOVE and then those same people turned around and beat their children after church because of the smallest infraction.

That's what I witnessed, though thankfully not in my own household. There's this attitude that love and the ability to love others comes from that very specific source of spirituality, which I disagree with. I am not religious, I do not believe in the same things a lot of other people believe in, but I am capable of love, I am capable of compassion, I am capable of having morals, all without believe in God. I believe in being a good person, which transcends religion - or at least it should.

Still, I can't deny that hooks had some decent things to say throughout most of the book, even if it was a bit self-help-y, even though hooks very specifically discussed how different her book was from other self-help books. She allows there's an issue in most self-help books about gender stereotypes and how they perpetuate those issues in our society, that idea that men are from Mars and that women are from Venus, and all that jazz.

Those ideas or problematic in numerous ways, and I feel this was hooks' way of addressing the previous literature. What worked for me here really worked for me; what didn't work for me really didn't work for me. I would not recommend this book to anyone reading bell hooks for the first time - this is probably not the place to start, unless all of what I wrote about above regarding Christianity is something you're interested in. In any case, it's a short book, easy to read. It's not very complicated, but if you're looking for answers, there aren't that many here beyond stop thinking true love is all about rainbows and lollipops.

You're going to fall in love and you're going to have to work at it. Get over the idea that relationships are easy-peasy. But she also said some good things about what it means to be in a loving relationship, and I think all of that is work reading. So maybe just read the first four or five chapters? Yeah, maybe do that. Stop reading when she starts talking about angels. Unless that is your thing. May 09, Azzooz rated it really liked it.

I really thoroughly enjoyed the book. One of few aspects that I didn't like about the book was that it had a strong anti-atheistic vibe to it. I have no problem if she wishes to discuss spirituality and love, there's no problem at all, but when a religious, theistic faith is presented as something essential to be loving, caring, and so on, the insinuation that an atheist could not be as loving as a theist is certainly a very antagonizing sentiment that I can't even fathom. She of course, continu I really thoroughly enjoyed the book.

The subjectivity was too high in this aspect, even so, all this provocation goes against the love ethic. Brilliant book, nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it because I agreed with a lot of things that she had said, and I also learned much more. Mar 02, Adriana Scarpin rated it did not like it Shelves: Terceiro livro do clube do livro da Emma Watson O horror. Jan 12, Shannon added it Shelves: This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers.

To view it, click here. Give Love Words 'When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another's spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive,' p6. Childhood Love Lessons 'Loving parents work hard to discipline without punishment. This does not mean that they never punish, only that when they do punish, they choose punishments like time-outs or the taking away of privileges.

They focus on teaching children how to be self-disciplining and how to take responsibility for their actions,' p Be True To Love 'Males learn to lie as a way or obtaining power, and females not only do the same but they also lie to pretend powerlessness,' p When lies erode trust, genuine connection cannot take place.

While men who dominate others can and do experience ongoing care, they place a barrier between themselves and the experience of love,' p We all need spaces where we can be alone with thoughts and feelings--where we can experience healthy psychological autonomy and can choose to share when we want to,' p It is harder to be manipulative,' p The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood on that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others,' p Let Love Be Love In Me 'We can give ourselves the unconditional love that is the grounding for sustained acceptance and affirmation.

When we give this precious gift to ourselves, we are able to reach out to others from a place of fulfillment and not from a place of lack,' p It is always present, waiting for the spark to ignite, waiting for the heart to awaken and call us back to the first memory of being the life force inside a dark place waiting to be born--waiting to see the light,' p Divine Love 'Spiritual seekers let their light shine so that others may see not only to give service by example but also to constantly remind themselves that spirituality is most gloriously embodied in our actions--our habits of being,' p Our sufferings do not magically end; instead we are able to wisely alchemically recycle them.

They become the abundant waste that we use to make new growth possible,' p Living By A Love Ethic 'Love as a process that has been refined, alchemically altered as it moves from state to state, is that "perfect love" that can cast out fear. As we love, fear necessarily leaves. Contrary to the notion that one must work to attain perfection, this outcome does not have to be struggled for--it just happens. It is the gift perfect love offers. To receive the gift, we must first understand that "there is no fear in love. We are not alone,' p Simply Love 'Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high.

They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling,' p All these gestures show a respect and a gratitude for life. When we value the delaying of gratification and take responsibility for our actions, we simplify our emotional universe. Living simply makes loving simple. The choice to live simply necessarily enhances our capacity to love. It is the way we learn to practice compassion, daily affirming our connection to a world community,' p Loving Communion 'Yet I know I survived and thrived despite the pain of childhood precisely because there were loving individuals among our extended family who nurtured me and gave me a sense of hope and possibility,' p We place them in a secondary position, especially in relation to romantic bonds,' p It requires that we place releasing someone else from the prison of their guilt or anguish over our feelings of outrage or anger.

By forging we clear a path on the way to love.

It is a gesture of respect. True forgiveness requires that we understand the negative actions of another,' p Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape,' p Our willingness to make sacrifices reflects our awareness of interdependency,' p The Heart Of Love 'When we are committed to doing the work of love we listen even when it hurts,' p It enables us to distinguish constructive suffering from self-indulgent hurt. When love's promise has never been fulfilled in our lives it is perhaps the most difficult practice of love to trust that the passage through the painful abyss leads to paradise,' p In the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment.

This is the most precious gift true love offers--the experience of knowing we always belong,' p Sweet Love 'To be capable of critically evaluating a partner we would need to be able to stand back and look critically at ourselves, at our needs, desires, and longings,' p That fear can only be addressed by the love of living. Our first home in the womb is also a grave where we await the coming of life.

Our first experience of living is a moment of resurrection, a movement out of the shadows and into the light,' p To be loving is to be open to grief, to be touched by sorrow, even sorrow that is unending,' p Redemptive Love 'And that pain did not go away even when we left home. More than our pain, our self-destructive, self-betraying behavior trapped us in the traumas of childhood. We were unable to find solace or release. We could not choose healing because we were not sure we could ever mend, that the broken bits and pieces could ever be put together again,' p When Angels Speak Of Love 'Love does not lead to an end to difficulties, it provides us with the means to cope with our difficulties in ways that enhance our growth,' p Love helps us face betrayal without losing heart.

And it renews our spirit so we can love again,' p Sep 12, Margot rated it it was ok Shelves: This book was not for me. I admit to not being a big fan of self-help books. I'm sure that they can be a great help to people, but I've given them a few tries and ended up annoyed each time. Sadly, 'All About Love' is no exception. The preface and first two chapters were promising. I especially liked the bits about abuse and love being unable to co-exist, as well as hooks' thoughts on how toxic masculinity influences relationships.

The repeated claim that love is an action, not just a feeling, re This book was not for me. The repeated claim that love is an action, not just a feeling, really resonated with me. It was all downhill from there, though. The overall novel is incoherent and vague. Hooks makes various general statements on society, how women and men behave containing a serious amount of gender essentialism, by the way and relationships in our current society. None of these statements are supported by facts or studies. I was expecting a bit more theoretical support to substantiate all of these claims.

About halfway, there is a chapter on divine love. I got the feeling hooks was trying to come across as neutral as possible, but if so, her attempts mostly failed.

There's an undercurrent here of the idea that spiritual love is the solution to the lovelessness in our capitalist society. While she does not equate spiritual love to organized religion, I still find this whole reasoning a little biased, considering what we know of history and religion. Hooks is a religious person, I'm not. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Yet at least this chapter still sticks to general references to 'spiritual' love, which can be interpreted pretty broadly.

The final chapter abandons this neutrality and inexplicably assumes the existence of angels. I'm not sure what this added to the novel, and I knocked off half a star for this final chapter alone.

Principles of Love Series

If she understands his love language and mows the lawn for him, he perceives it in his love language as an act of expressing her love for him; likewise, if he tells her he loves her, she values that as an act of love. There has been a lack of research to test the validity of Chapman's model and whether it can be generalized.

Egbert suggests that the Five Love Languages might have some degree of psychometric validity despite its abstract nature. Paul White, applying the 5 Love Languages concepts to work-based relationships. Military Edition , released in , which Chapman co-authored with Jocelyn Green.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. The Speed of Trust: You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways.

Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce. But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back. Love is a wonderful experience. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because you need more in life than love. But love is not enough. Relationships can be complicated and difficult. But few people know that there are some pretty clear signals to know if a relationship is going to work or not.

Put your email in the form to receive my page ebook on healthy relationships. You can opt out at any time. See my privacy policy. Love is Not Enough. Three Harsh Truths About Love The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us.

Allow me to illustrate: After all, love conquers all, right?

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